If you don’t believe yourself, you don’t believe others either. If you don’t believe yourself, that unbelief reflects on those around you. In other words, you attract untrustworthy people and situations. And if you believe in yourself and your actions, then others will accept your attitude.

If you are having experiences that you don't like, then you are blocked from within. It is worth eliminating this block, and at the same moment everything falls into place.

Basic counter-intentions:

—I'm not good enough. Nobody loves me. Since you don't think you deserve friendship or love, you don't try to get close to people, and therefore you don't find yourself either friends or loved ones.

—It's impossible... Even realizing that the goals that you would like to set for yourself have been achieved more than once by many other people, you may consider them unattainable for yourself simply because you think that you lack some necessary qualities, knowledge, tools or resources. This happens on a subconscious level automatically, and as a result, you often reject an idea without even considering it properly.

—Tunnel vision... People with this counter-intent believe that there is only one solution to a problem and only one way to accomplish a given task. If your answer begins with the words “Yes, but…”, it means that this counter-intention is peculiar to you, and you believe that success can only be achieved in one way or another. Thus, you block all other paths to achieving goals.

—Nothing will come of it anyway... A person often fails, not because it is inevitable, but because he believes in failure.
There is nothing special about me. The person is always responsible for their successes and failures, but with this counter-intention it is much easier to blame someone else for their unenviable position, instead of making the right choices that can lead you to success.

Self-image is how you perceive yourself in relation to other people. This is the story you tell yourself about who you are and what you are capable of. Self-image is very important because it directly affects your self-esteem and self-confidence. The image includes:
what do you think about your appearance;
how others perceive you;
-what do you think of yourself as a person;
what, from your point of view, other people think of you;
- how much you like yourself and how much, in your opinion, other people like you.

To develop positive self-esteem, it is necessary to develop a positive attitude towards yourself and the world around you, to value yourself highly and to treat other people responsibly. Self-esteem is not narcissism, but self-respect.

Enough! You must take responsibility for everything that happens in your life! You yourself are responsible for any events in your life. Stop feeling like a victim. Stop blaming the world around you. There are many great opportunities around, but for some hidden reason, you will not realize them.

You always attract exactly the kind of energy with which you are harmonized., and if this energy is negative, then it is the negative that you will receive.

One way to change negative beliefs about yourself is to change your mental habits... Mental habits are internal dialogues that you have over and over.
Examples of negative mental habits: “I’m not a leader by nature, so I cannot start my own business,” “I have a wide bone, so I won’t become graceful,” “My parents have also always lived from paycheck to paycheck, so what can I expect Push?".
And there are also positive mental habits: “I love myself the way I am”, “I expect miracles every day, and therefore something good constantly happens to me”, “The universe loves me!”.

Most people have built their beliefs about what they can and cannot do based on fairly minor events.

What we become is not determined by what is given to us from birth. For the same reason we cannot blame others for our successes and failures, for this is a direct road to irresponsibility and helplessness. Better to change yourself and your attitude towards other people. This is the path to happiness and success.

The first step to breaking the helpless mindset is to clear the mind of negative dialogue generated by internal programming... Whenever you have a negative thought, stop your mind and remove that thought from it. Now you have full opportunity to replace this negative thought with a positive one. Piling up one on top of the other, negative thoughts can overwhelm your spirit over time. Therefore, letting go of only some of them and not paying attention to others can lead to depression and self-pity.

So why is it still not easy for you? Why do you try new methods of achieving your goals and fail over and over again? One of the reasons is the idea of ​​control. We all like to think that we are in control of our own little corner of the world. For the sake of gaining control, we equip comfort zones, establish rules and draw boundaries - sometimes without even realizing it all. It is possible that you have built protective walls around yourself that actually limit your accomplishments and prevent any attempts to go beyond them.

Destructive internal dialogues fall into three main categories: regret, indecision, and fear.

"Oh, I'm a poor thing"

If you meet every difficulty with the words: "Oh, I'm a poor thing," then as a result, this will be your life - sheer misfortune. If you tend to see yourself as a victim of events, rather than a participant in them, this weakens your ability to solve problems, and you may end up spending your entire life as a victim.

Often a person who has fallen into a vicious circle of thinking "Oh, I'm a poor thing," says something like this:
- My boss always underestimates me;
- I am constantly forced to spin like a squirrel in a wheel - I don't even have time to rest;
- For some reason, every man I meet always turns out to be a complete insignificance;
- My wife seems to think that I paint money;
“It’s not easy to find a job now, so I hold on to what I have. Etc. in this spirit.

The next time you catch yourself complaining, "Oh, I'm a poor thing," try to take on some of the responsibility for what is happening by starting each sentence with the pronoun "I":
- I made a choice in favor of staying in this job, although I am extremely dissatisfied with it.
- I allow family members to put me in a difficult financial situation, because I'm afraid to refuse.
- I make a choice in favor of dating men who are obviously not suitable for me, because I am afraid of a serious relationship.
- I love when people sympathize with my hardships.

The master of excuses

Another type of destructive behavior that limits your self-confidence is the "justification master." A master of excuses is extraordinary inventive when it comes to avoiding or postponing the pursuit of his goals. Usually his excuses look something like this:
- I'm too tired.
- I do not have much time.
- I have too many responsibilities.
- I'm too old.
- I'm too busy.
- I'm too young. Etc.

Take responsibility and stop making excuses!

We all live in certain comfort zones, and if an individual within one comfort zone goes to new level, others inevitably try to drag him back.

Regret

Regret haunts everyone from time to time. Perhaps you regret unfinished business, a broken relationship, or unfulfilled plans. Regret floods a person's thoughts, causing him to hesitate or be overly cautious. These thoughts are especially harmful to those who, on the basis of them, you form your personal history, when they begin to think about all these "what if ...". For instance,
What if:
- Would I agree to this job?
- Would I accept this business offer?
- Would I be more frugal when I was young?
- I would not succumb to the provocation and make this stupid mistake?
- Would I keep my thoughts to myself?
- I wouldn't say (do) it?
- Would I graduate from university?

These kinds of destructive dialogues only get worse over time. If you don’t learn to free yourself from them and let go of your past, this dialogue will continue to grow, depriving you of the present and destroying the future.

Indecision

Indecision is common in many people. Although our life is full of events that can be regarded as positive, many people perceive their life in a negative way. For example, in the event of family troubles or financial difficulties they fall into a paralytic stupor. Fearing to make the wrong decision, they don't make any decisions at all and watch their lives spiral out of control. Moreover, their negative dialogue looks like this:
- The boss filled me up with assignments. How can I get it all out?
- I'm in debt and can't pay my bills. What to do?
- I lost my job. What should I say to my wife?
- I just finished my studies. I have a lot of debt and no work. So what's next?

The main weapon in dealing with indecision is focused intention. Focus on solutions.
Take a piece of paper and make a list of every possible solution that comes to your mind. Then ask family and friends what solutions they might suggest. Once you allow yourself to explore your possibilities, you take a step forward. With this exercise, you will find solutions much faster than if you just sit and worry.

The key to solving life's day-to-day problems is to push yourself forward - even if you are indecisive.

The technique of freeing "Ho`oponopono".

This technique (described in the book at the link below) is based on the idea that we themselves are responsible for everything in our life- even if it seems to us that the source of what is happening is somewhere outside of us. And only by loving ourselves, we can recognize this responsibility and change our own life through the cleansing and healing of our higher self. This can be done simply by repeating the words:
-I love you.
-I'm really sorry.
-Please forgive me.
-Thank you.

The main idea is to accept everything that comes into your life. Instead of blaming other people or circumstances for events, you take full responsibility. In the beginning, you remind yourself that you are worthy of love, and love helps you to ask yourself for forgiveness for the events in your life and to let go of those events. Only by accepting full responsibility can you attract true miracles into your life.

To comprehend the true power of this ancient knowledge, you just need to give up negative reactions, take responsibility for everything that happens and realize that you can influence your own and others' perception of the world.

Based on the book by Joe Vitale - “Wait for miracles! The missing secret to true success. "

Nowadays, work with family psychologist... Young couples (or already couples "with experience" of relationships) are sent together to the psychotherapist's office to overcome family problems and establish mutual understanding.

Imagine this: two loving people come into the office of a specialist. They come in, sit down, begin to tell: constant conflicts, quarrels, lack of understanding, reproaches ... Have all feelings died in this couple? No, they love each other. Maybe the complexity of the problems, their fundamental insolubility is to blame? Again, no, the problems can be difficult, but can be solved with the cooperation of the spouses. So what is the reason then? What is the primary source of the constantly arising quarrels and conflicts? In many cases, it turns out that one of the reasons for "unsolvable" conflicts is the elementary inability of partners to conduct a constructive dialogue.

The basis for the origin of various conflicts can be different, and there can be many external reasons for quarrels. However, the problem of "insolubility" of family problems, finding a way out of the conflict rests precisely on the inability to conduct a constructive dialogue. Dialogue is a versatile skill modern man: to convey your opinion to others and understand the point of view of another person, you need communication skills, constructive dialogue. Dialogue can also be considered a reliable foundation for successful relationships - there will be “peace and quiet” in that family, where they know how to negotiate, take into account each other's interests and settle family conflicts.

In family relationships, dialogue can be thought of as magic wand capable of:

• Take into account the interests of all family members in different life circumstances (choosing a place for vacation, a way to spend time on weekends, the distribution of family responsibilities, etc.);
• Help apologize to your partner (or other family member) if you are at fault;
• Listen to and accept the apology from the partner if he is guilty;
• Resolve family conflicts constructively without letting them escalate to the scale of a disaster.

As you can see, without the skills of constructive dialogue, it is quite difficult to establish a successful and reliable relationship with a partner. This means that it is better to learn how to talk using the rules of effective communication, and to safely resolve conflicts. The following rules can be distinguished, which are signs of a constructive dialogue:

The ability to listen

The first basic rule of effective communication is, of course, listening. Without the ability to listen, the dialogue turns into two monologues: each is on "his own wave", and therefore they will not be able to reach mutual understanding. Sometimes, when righteous indignation and the desire to "pour" their opinion on the head of the interlocutor with red-hot lava reach the highest level, the intention to listen to the interlocutor seems almost impossible. However, "splashing out" feelings will not lead you to an understanding, although it will bring short-term relief. While listening skills in dialogue, shown by both partners, will help to better understand each other and outline ways to resolve family problems.

Understanding the other's point of view, usually effective communication

Let's say you listened patiently to your partner and really heard him - the first step has been taken. The second step towards building a constructive dialogue is trying to understand, and perhaps accept, the other’s point of view. After all, what is the point of listening to another, if inwardly at the same time you desperately resist someone else's point of view? If to yourself you exclaim: “He / she is wrong / wrong”? This is where it becomes clear that the ability not only to hear, but also to understand the opposite point of view is an important factor in constructive dialogue. By trying to understand why your partner has an opinion on this issue, and why this opinion does not coincide with your own, you will take a step forward both in resolving family conflicts and in deeper understanding of your partner.

Calmness, confidence and a sense of trust during discussions with a partner

During family conflicts, some people may go "into the defensive" or, conversely, exaggeratedly aggressively defend their position. Why is this happening? The reason for this behavior may lie in the lack of complete and unconditional trust in the partner. When a quarrel begins, and there is no complete trust in a partner, a person prefers to act according to the strategy prescribed by Mother Nature: fight or flight. However, we are highly developed creatures, so we are unlikely to run or fight in the literal sense of these words (although not a fact). Therefore, this reaction can be expressed in "withdrawal into oneself" (analogue of flight) or in strong verbal aggression (attack).

Thus, the presence of mutual trust between partners can be considered an important component of a relationship that contributes to the establishment of a constructive dialogue.

Respect for a partner, interlocutor

Respect is a key ingredient in a strong relationship. And showing respect is an important component of a constructive dialogue. Yes, you can disagree with your partner's point of view, however, differences of opinion should not be a reason for losing respect in a relationship. Even if inveterate rivals are able to appreciate each other's opinions, then it is possible to show respect for the opposite point of view.

Respect also implies the absence of insults in the dialogue. When insults and barbs, evil irony and sarcasm become an integral part of communication, respect dies, and with it, warmth and affection for each other perish.

Inadmissibility of the strategy of "suppression" in the dialogue

It is also undesirable in the process of conducting a dialogue to use the strategy of "suppression". In the process of communicating with a loved one, you should not use your "strengths" to defend your point of view. This refers to such "strengths" as the use of a loud voice during family quarrels, the ability to malicious sarcasm, etc. There has not yet been a case when outright hostility and a tendency to humiliate a partner contributed to an improvement in relations.

The inability to conduct a dialogue in a state of intense feelings

The mistake of many couples is that they are trying to solve the problem when patience is already running out and resentment is downright boiling. However, it should be borne in mind that an attempt to communicate in a state of intense emotions leads directly to a loud family quarrel.

A constructive solution in this case will be the adoption of a rule according to which all problems are solved as they arise, without being “shelved”. If you endure what drives you out of yourself for a long period of time, at one point you will "explode", making a family quarrel at the same time. However, if the problem is solved "in the bud", when only minor discontent has appeared, it becomes possible to find a reasonable way out of the situation without involving negative feelings. It should be remembered: any problem can be solved by joint efforts, showing a willingness to cooperate and a respectful attitude towards a partner.

Communication with people takes an important place in our life. Without him, love and family relationships, friendship, work, business. As a rule, people who possess the skill of constructive communication achieve great success in their personal and professional life. But how do you learn to communicate constructively? What does the concept of "constructive conversation" mean in general? You can find answers to these and other questions in our article.

In order to understand what constructive conversation means, you must first learn the meaning of the word "constructive". Constructive - these are actions or reactions that are aimed at solving problematic tasks, normalizing relations and improving a difficult situation. The opposite of a constructive is destructive. If a person uses profanity, insults, groundlessly blames other people (that is, is engaged in activities that take time and do not lead to anything) - this is destructive.

What is the difference between constructive dialogue and casual conversation?

We think you already roughly understand what a constructive conversation or dialogue means. But this raises another question: how does constructive communication differ from ordinary communication? Well, let's try to figure it out.

The main difference between these concepts lies in the purpose for which the conversation is being conducted, and, of course, in the style of the conversation itself. The essence of a constructive conversation is the orderly finding of the truth that shapes a person's worldview. A conversation that has no purpose is just chatter. Such chatter is aimed only at the exchange of information between people. And this means that as a result of the dialogue, a person is left with only positive or negative emotions.

A characteristic feature of a constructive conversation is a mutual desire to achieve mutual understanding, and until this goal is achieved, the interlocutors will continue to communicate. This means that at the end of such a dialogue, a person's point of view should change about a certain issue.

Rule # 1

Orderly and respectful communication is the foundation of constructive conversation. People are only able to openly discuss issues if they see that the interlocutor is closely involved in the conversation. Ridicule, shouting, sarcasm or banal inattention simply discourage the desire to communicate, and thereby violate the main task of a constructive conversation - the search for a result that would suit both parties.

This is an extremely simple rule, which, unfortunately, is not always observed. Some may say, "I'm definitely not like that. I always listen to the interlocutor." Perhaps this is true. But "listening to the interlocutor" and "hearing the interlocutor" are completely different things.

Below we will share with you others. important rules that every person who wants to learn to speak constructively needs to know.

Time frame

The most important thing in solving a particular problem is its timeliness. Very often people start talking about what has already happened: "You didn't take out the trash yesterday"; "You should have told me about it immediately after it happened"; "You should have brought this a week ago." Such phrases will not lead to a solution to the problem. They will lead to the fact that the person begins to get out and look for excuses.

Remember that the past cannot be changed. You can influence the present and the future. Talking about the past is only appropriate when you are discussing mistakes that should be avoided in the future. For example, if your child does not do his homework on time, you must first understand the root of the problem: he did not understand the task, did not have time due to the load of other subjects, or did he simply not want to do them? By identifying the root cause of the problem, you can prevent it later.

Choosing the right interlocutor

Subordinates discuss among themselves the decisions of their management: some are not satisfied with the reduction of the time allotted for lunch break, others - the air conditioner, which does not work in the heat, the third - the absence of a trash can in the office, etc. If they just discuss it among themselves, then in the end they will not achieve anything. With such questions, it would be more constructive to contact your superiors directly (if there is a specific proposal).

Using facts

Quite often we hear the following phrases: "You don't understand anything about this"; "I am sure it will be more correct this way"; "I know better". On the one hand, a person wants to give weight to his opinion, but in fact, such phrases are absolutely groundless and have no argumentation. It so happened that people do not always know how to correctly use the available facts.

For example, to the question: "Why should we fly on vacation to country" A ", and not to country" B "?" the answer follows: "Because I think so." This phrase is familiar to many married couples. It's just not entirely clear what exactly the spouse means by this. Is vacation in country "A" cheaper? Or else there better nature and conditions? Never forget about specifics and arguments!

Solve the problem, do not change the interlocutor

In life, many people very often try to change those around them for themselves. You should try to get rid of such a trait as quickly as possible. Realizing that you are unlikely to be able to change the other person can prevent a huge number of problems that may appear in the foreseeable future.

You have a specific task ahead of you. Consider the problem we mentioned earlier - the child does not have time to complete his homework. In such a situation, you do not need to break your child and try to re-educate him in a rather rude form. A child may not do his homework, not only because he is a bully and a bum. He may be too busy training. Or his tutors take a lot of his time, and because of this he simply does not have time to work on other subjects. There is a possibility that he simply does not understand this or that topic. As you can see, there can be many reasons. The main thing is to identify the problem and try to solve it.

Constructive criticism

Constructive conversation - what is it? We think we have already figured out this issue. Now is the time to consider the concept of "constructive criticism" as it is inextricably linked to constructive conversation. As you may have already understood, constructive criticism is a balanced and reasoned criticism, in which there are no insults and other signs of destructiveness.

If you want the person to take note of your comments and correct their mistakes, there should be no aggression in your criticism. On the contrary, the conversation should be conducted in a positive tone. Structure of constructive criticism:

1. Praise.
2. To criticize.
3. Praise.

Now let's take a look at this all with an example. Let's say you are the head of a department. One of your subordinates, who has never let you down before, did not complete the work plan. Let's imagine that his name is Igor. How to act in such a situation?

1. Start with a positive rating. Example: "Igor, you have shown good results over the past months. Through hard work and perseverance, you have become one of the best employees in our department." Hearing such approving words, your subordinate will be ready to discuss points that need to be finalized.
2. Discuss what needs change and improvement. Example: "At the same time, you still have room to grow. This month, you only completed half of the plan. Let's discuss what you can do to next month improve this indicator. "
3. End the conversation on a positive note. Example: "I think with your abilities it will not be difficult for you to solve this problem."

This is where we propose to end our article. Now you know what constructive conversation means, and how it is worth leading your personal life and at work. We hope that our publication was interesting to you and you learned a lot of informative information!

Reproaches and insults, humiliation and anger, irritation and anger - these destructive emotions are present in The result of the confrontation depends on the behavior during a clash of opinions and on the actions of both parties - slander, insults, dismissal, neglect, anger.

About the reasons for the disagreement

A dispute is a destructive conflict. A constructive dialogue can arise only during a normal one. A variety of motives and reasons can be the impetus for opposition:

• economic;
• value-based;
• national and ethnic;
• political;
• religious;
• personal;
• other.

One of the parties experiences unfair actions - The other side - the subject - commits actions that cause a conflict situation. Usually the reason for the confrontation is the subject, performing different actions in relation to the "suffering" party, giving an inadequate response in response.

Types and differences of conflicts

Psychologists distinguish between two types of disputes:

• constructive;
• destructive conflict.

With a constructive approach, there is sure to be a way out of the situation that will satisfy both parties. Thanks to creativity to solve the problem, mutual understanding and personal relationships between people are improved.

Destructive is a conflict that does not lead to a solution to the original problem. The inability and unwillingness to listen to the opponent, analyze his arguments, the attitude towards confrontation - all this leads to the destruction of relations.

A characteristic feature of post-Soviet culture is the habit of “dumping” one's dissatisfaction on the immediate environment. The emergence of a "conflict chain" can begin in the morning in transport or on the street, continue at work and end at home in the family. Petty nagging, shouting and accusations lead to an appropriate reaction: loved ones feel unhappy, nervous. One painful situation spills over into another, emotions "explode" like a volcano, a break in relations is inevitable ... But all you had to do was move away from the negativity and not drag the "rubbish" with you.

Why conflicts are sometimes useful

The emergence of controversial situations in any team, in the family or at work reveals contradictions and discrepancies between external, spoken factors, and non-verbal, hidden information. Here are some cases where this can happen:

• the education or life experience of the team leader is lower than the performance of the employees;
• the intellectual level of the group differs significantly;
• lack of knowledge of business communication methods;
• setting for personal opposition;
• striving for forceful methods of communication;
• mismatch of goals.

Destructive processes do not bring joy, but sometimes they are useful: in a conflict situation, internal contradictions in the team, hidden discord and discontent come to the surface. If you apply the methods, any conflict situation that destroys a relationship can be translated into a constructive conversation. A destructive dispute is a struggle for anger, loss of face, tension, lack of solutions to the problem.

About constructive conflicts

The usefulness of this confrontation is that the positions of opponents are clarified in the process of discussion, rather than struggle and opposition. People become more aware of their own arguments at the moment of explaining them to partners. There are no shouts, reproaches and mutual humiliation here. The main part of the attention of the participants in the confrontation is aimed at finding ways to solve the problem, and not at suppressing the opponent's personality. Eliminating the causes of the conflict between the participants in the clash of opinions establish normal relations, their positions in relation to each other change.

Women and men are completely different. For women, it is important to meet personal needs such as wages, benefits, bonuses and vacations. In a team with an oppressive atmosphere or under high workloads, the fairer sex "explodes" first, but calms down faster and easier.

For the male half, power status, compliance with work duties and rights, and the presence of a certain form of subordination are important. In case of overload and infringement of rights, men accumulate dissatisfaction in themselves longer, without splashing it out in the team.

How to make your business relationship meaningful

By applying certain rules and methods of business communication, team members will interact as a single organism. The clash of opinions and such a conflict as a destructive one will become a thing of the past - this is the “tank” method, the method of war that brings devastation to minds, families and business. To find a productive solution peacefully, both sides must act as follows:

• discuss only this problem, and not individual personality traits;
• remember that partners are not enemies to each other;
• restrain from manifestations of anger, unbridled anger, desire to take revenge or punish;
• forceful methods of struggle can only harm;
• defending your own point of view, it is important to take into account the interests of the opponent;
• interaction should be friendly and open;
• rivals need to tune in to understanding and interaction.

By strictly observing these rules and adhering to the framework of business communication, you can always find a way out of the situation. If one of the participants in the confrontation commits a gross violation, the whole process can get out of control and turn into destructive. This will not be beneficial to either side, and the contradictions can only intensify.

It would be much easier for people to achieve their diverse goals if they learned to communicate constructively. In our world, everything is based on communication: family, business, self-development, interaction with society, and if you learn the basics of constructive dialogue, then shorten your path to success at least several times.

What is constructive dialogue (CD) and how does it differ from usual?

The main difference in these concepts lies in the purpose, for the sake of which the conversation is generally conducted, and, of course, in the style of the dialogue itself. Normal conversation is aimed at the exchange of information and emotional outburst.

The goal of constructive dialogue is the orderly finding of the truth that forms a clear human outlook.

Remember the difference! If you see a conversation in front of you that is not aimed at any goal, then this is common chatter. Such chatter is aimed solely at exchanging information without making sense of it. So, as a result of this chatter, a person only has emotions: positive or negative, depending on the style of communication.

The main difference between a constructive dialogue lies in the mutual desire to achieve a common view and full understanding, and until the goal is achieved, the interlocutors do not stop their communication. And that means, as a result of such a dialogue, a person should form some kind of awareness that will improve his quality of life.

This difference also leads to the next characteristic - orderly and respectful communication.

People are able to openly discuss issues only when they feel attentive involvement on the part of the interlocutor. Any shouting, sarcasm, grinning or inattention obscure the desire to communicate, and thereby violate the main goal of constructive dialogue - mutual finding of truth.

From this day on, we will begin with you to analyze the basic tips that develop constructive communication skills. And the first advice, with which we begin our excursion, is ...

Ability to hear!

This is a very simple rule, and yet it is rarely followed. Yes, yes, you think you can hear your interlocutor, but often you just listen. And this is not the same thing at all.

Admit it honestly, you are used to taking in the interlocutor's thought on the fly and, recognizing only the first words, strive to give a quick answer. Why waste time if you already have a clear idea? Now ask yourself a question: are you willing to give a guarantee that you really understand the essence?

Or do you just consider it as such, because you previously talked about the same topic with other people?

Our past communication experience in many ways imposes perception on certain topics. What you mean by the words “I know in advance what you’ll say” means that the course of a similar conversation from the past has already been recorded in your memory. And you are literally trying to walk along the same path with a new interlocutor, without plunging into the essence of his speeches. In this case, you do not take into account the fact that his ideas may differ significantly from the thoughts of your past interlocutor.

Thus, people come to a clash in which one of the participants in the conversation is closed from constantly interrupting his thoughts by the second interlocutor, and the other is very pleased that he was able to answer in advance the questions not yet asked to him.

Even if you are really convinced that all the thoughts and ideas of the interlocutor are familiar to you, do not rush to answer him with ready-made answers. His thoughts and ideas are based on his picture of the world, which may be incomplete or, conversely, overwhelmed with false facts. And this means that until you discuss his picture of the world and can not jointly correct it to a single vision, your ready-made answers will be regarded as something “tricky, alien”.

Learn to listen carefully to the interlocutor - this is the only way you can see his picture of the world!

This is the first step towards understanding each other. This is the only way you can truly recognize the thoughts and ideas of the interlocutor. And if they are already familiar to you, but you do not agree with them, then only through careful listening will you get the opportunity to see the picture of a person's world, and find in it the keys to a single view of the world.

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Constructive conversation, what is it, destructive dialogue

Posted On 08.02.2018

Unconstructive conversation. Ending a non-constructive conversation

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When servicing clients, there are situations when the conversation ceases to be constructive (the client asks personal questions to the operator, the client's appeal is of a hooligan nature, during the conversation the client is expressed obscenely).

The task of the specialist is to correctly end the conversation.

Our goal is to protect the interests of employees and save time spent on non-constructive conversations. Also, phrases are offered to your attention with which you can end a non-constructive conversation quickly enough and at the same time avoid the client's claim that you have “hung up”. How to end non-constructive conversation Variants Answers If the client's call is initially hooligan in nature, and / or contains offensive personal statements * and suggestions. - It is polite to tell the client in the first pause that has arisen: "This question does not apply to the work of the MTS company, I have to interrupt the conversation. All the best" End the conversation by pressing the call reset button. If in the course of the conversation, the client expresses himself obscenely, utters insulting personal statements / sentences. - Politely tell the subscriber in the first pause that has arisen: "The conversation cannot continue in this tone, I will have to stop the conversation." Listen to the client's reaction. - If the subscriber has stopped speaking rudely, continue the conversation. - If the subscriber continues to express himself rudely: "I have to end the conversation. All the best" End the conversation by pressing the call reset key. If the client starts asking personal questions. - It is polite to tell the client in response to his personal question: "I cannot answer this question. Tell me, please, do you have any questions regarding the work of MTS?" - If the subscriber has questions regarding the work of MTS, continue the conversation. - If the subscriber continues to ask questions of a personal nature, you can say: "I have no right to answer questions of a personal nature. Since you have no questions regarding MTS, I have to end the conversation. All the best. Goodbye." And end the conversation by pressing the call reset key. As in the first case, we politely warn the subscriber that the conversation may be terminated, and then we end the conversation by politely saying goodbye. If a client asks which company you are a client of / whether you like working at MTS, etc. - You must answer: "MTS company, of course! (Or" Our own! "," Ours! ", Etc.)" - If the client asks: "Do you like your work, the policy of the MTS company?" it is necessary to provide an affirmative answer, because It is important for the client to know that the company's employees respect their colleagues and the employing company. Respect for your company means respect for yourself, and, as a result, respect for the Client! If the client is polite, correct, received comprehensive advice on the issue of interest to him, but does not want to end the conversation. (The case where the client is incorrect is discussed above.) This situation often arises if you refuse the caller to provide any service (for example, changing the tariff plan, adding a service, etc.). If you have discussed the reasons for the refusal and all possible ways receiving this service, but the client does not end the conversation and "walks in a circle", thinking that in this way he will achieve an immediate solution to the issue: - Politely tell the client, after waiting for a pause in his speech: possible options solving this issue. Are you interested in information on other issues? " If the answer is no, the employee ends the conversation using the standard farewell phrase: "Thank you for the call. All the best." - If the client continues to “walk in a circle”, you can say the following: “I understand your desire to resolve this issue during the current conversation, nevertheless it is impossible. To resolve the issue, please use the methods that we discussed with you. V currently if you have no questions on other topics, I will have to end our conversation. ” - If after that the client still “walks in a circle”, we can say: “Unfortunately, since you have no other questions than those that we have already considered in detail, I have to end the conversation. All the best. Goodbye."

Please note that our goal in such situations is for the client to end the conversation himself!

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Constructive dialogue

It is advisable to consider the negotiation tactics in relation to the two most difficult tactically cases: when the partner is not in a constructive dialogue and when the partner is in a more advantageous position. Let's start with the case when the partner behaves destructively, declares his firm position, criticizes your proposal, and in general, strive to do only what provides the maximum of their own benefit. Naturally, you might be tempted to defend yourself and be tempted to counterattack in this situation, but if you do this, you end up accepting the rules of positional bargaining. Stubborn defense of your proposal will tie you up and inevitably lead to collision. You will soon find yourself in a vicious circle of attack and defense, and to break that circle, you should try to make the negotiations constructive, that is, move away from positional bargaining and start a dialogue with your partner based on principled negotiations. To do this, it is important to tune in to the constructive nature of the negotiations yourself. There are several points to keep in mind here. First of all, you need to establish a relationship with your partner, for this you should not try to "beat" him and apply first different kinds Confrontational techniques. Begin negotiations by considering those points that you and your partner do not object to. When discussing and arguing your position, you should not try to convince your partner that his point of view is wrong. This behavior can only irritate him. These are the main points to keep in mind when tuning in to a constructive negotiation. When conducting a dialogue with your partner, it is advisable to follow a few simple rules. Rule one. First of all, you need to try to distract your partner from the destructive positions he is taking, making it clear that constructiveness in negotiations is beneficial first of all to him. Rule two. If the opponent still claims a firm position, do not reject, but do not accept it either. When an opponent attacks your ideas, don't “defend them, but wait it out and give him a chance to speak out. In short, deny yourself the pleasure of hitting back at your opponent. Rather than reflecting on his onslaught, listen carefully to all objections and show that you understand what they are talking about, and then focus your efforts on exploring the interests behind such objections. Rule Three. Offer your partner several options for solving the problem. Ask him to give his options. Then, notice how these options are improved. Try to hypothesize what would happen if one of his positions were accepted. Rule Four. Encourage criticism instead of fighting it off. Don't ask to accept or reject an idea, ask what your opponent feels is wrong (for example, “What circumstances prevent you from considering my proposal?”) When encouraging criticism, try to channel it in a constructive way that will change the situation and seek advice from to your opponent.

Ask what he would do if you were. Rule Five. Use questions, not affirmations, in dialogue with your partner. Assertions generate resistance, while questions generate answers. Rule Six. Pause often, especially after the questions you've asked. If you have been made an unreasonable offer or made an unreasonable attack, the best thing to do is sit back and not say a word. If you asked a question that you received an unsatisfactory answer, just wait. People usually feel uncomfortable in silence, especially if they are not entirely sure about the validity of their statements. Silence creates the impression of a hopeless situation, and the other party will feel obligated to get out of it by answering your question or putting forward a new proposal. So, having understood the negotiating tactics in the case when your partner is not in the mood for constructive dialogue, now consider the negotiating tactics. When your partner is in a better position. Negotiating with a partner who is in a stronger position is more likely to cause anxiety and feelings of insecurity. However, talking about your weaker position can only be conditional. Partners are always interconnected (otherwise they would not have sat down at the negotiating table!) And, therefore, are equal. strong point well described by American psychologists Roger Fisher and William Urey. Here are some of their reflections on this particular case of negotiation: When dealing with a stronger partner, you may be tempted to adjust to their views. To protect yourself from such a temptation, you should come up with the worst option in advance, which you can go for, i.e. set your "limit". For example, when you buy, the cap is the highest price you can pay. If you are selling something, the limit is the lowest price you can afford. A limit is a position that you cannot change. Once a limit is set, it is easier to resist the pressures and temptations of the moment. However, setting the limit reduces the incentive to invent solutions that might reconcile different interests in a way that is beneficial to both partners. In short, the question arises: is it possible to protect oneself from accepting an unwanted agreement and at the same time prevent abandoning an agreement that can be made? It turns out you can, if you have a measure that will make it possible to measure any proposed agreement. This is the best (you have) alternative without preparing any alternative possible solution, you are unreasonably pessimistic about the situation that may arise if negotiations fail.

If you have not thought carefully about what you will do in this case, then you are conducting such negotiations with your eyes closed. However, you need not all, but the best of all the alternatives available to you to a possible and impossible solution for you. The more modern your best alternative is, the more opportunity you have to improve the terms of any negotiating agreement. Knowing what you are going to do if the negotiations do not lead to an agreement will give you additional confidence in the negotiation process. It is easier to break off negotiations if you know where you are going. The stronger your desire to break off negotiations, the more likely you are to achieve the desired result. Negotiation tactics are directly implemented through tactics that allow you to achieve the set goal. Until recently, a confrontational approach, implemented through positional bargaining, prevailed in various negotiations. Therefore, in negotiations, mainly those tactical techniques are used that correspond to the conduct of negotiations, or are based on a confrontational approach, or are generally not aimed at solving the problem, but at the implementation of other tasks of the negotiations, propaganda, distracting the partner's attention, etc. , widespread at all stages of the negotiation process, is the method of "withdrawal, or avoidance of the fight." This technique is used when questions are raised that are undesirable for discussion, or when it is undesirable to give your partner accurate information or an unambiguous answer. The technique is that the partner is asked to postpone consideration of this or that issue, transfer it to another meeting, etc. At the same time, your request must be accompanied by convincing arguments. The “withdrawal” method can play a positive role when, for example, it is necessary to coordinate the issue with other organizations or to think carefully, weigh the positive and negative points associated with the acceptance of the partner's proposal. Other tactics are similar in meaning to the “leaving” reception - “procrastination”, “waiting”, “salami” (according to the principle of cutting sausage into thin slices). These techniques are used when they want to drag out the negotiations in order to clarify the situation, get more information from the partner, etc. A more complex tactic is the "batching" technique. It consists in the fact that not one question or proposal is proposed for discussion, but several. This accomplishes two tasks. In the first case, attractive and unacceptable offers for the partner are tied into one "package". It is assumed that the partner, being interested in one or more proposals, will accept the rest. In another case, they seek to accept the main proposals by making concessions in low-meaning proposals. Close in meaning to this technique is the "overestimation of requirements" technique. It consists in including in the list of issues discussed, which can then be painlessly removed, pretending that this is a concession, and demanding similar steps on the part of the partner. Moreover, these points should contain proposals that are deliberately unacceptable for the partner. The tactical technique of "placing false accents in one's own position" also adjoins them. It consists in demonstrating to the partner an extreme interest in solving some issue, which in reality is secondary. Sometimes this is done in order to remove this issue from the agenda, to obtain the necessary decisions on another more important issue. Another tactic is "making demands at the last minute."

"Constructive" conversation

Its essence lies in the fact that at the end of the negotiations, when it remains only to sign the contract, one of the partners puts forward new requirements.

If the other party is very interested in the contract, they will accept these requirements. But sometimes it happens that the signing of a contract for this reason is delayed or even breaks. favorable terms of the transaction. In respectable business circles, this is considered blackmail and tactlessness. It is generally accepted there that everyone is free to choose the most profitable partner, but must do it with dignity, without offending others. It often happens that in the process of conducting commercial negotiations, the partner turns out to be a manipulator, i.e. a person who tries to use an opponent and his personal characteristics and "weakness" to achieve their selfish goals. To do this, he uses the following techniques: 1. Deliberate deception. The partner claims something known to be false. However, in case you express doubt, he portrays resentment and even insult. What to do in this case? First of all, you should "separate" the person from the problem solved with him. If you have no reason to trust him, don't do it. But that doesn't mean you should call him a liar. Negotiations should continue, but without trust, so when you feel that your partner is bringing false facts, do not try to catch him in a lie right away. Tell such a partner that you are negotiating whether you trust or not trust him, and you are going to check all his factual statements, since this is your principled position in the negotiations. This kind of statement should always be made in a very correct form with an appropriate apology. 2. Doubtful intentions. If the intention of the other party to fulfill the agreement is doubtful, then, expressing for the sake of decency confidence in its honesty and the low probability of violation of the terms of the agreement on its part, add clauses to the agreement to ensure the fulfillment of obligations, or even better - specific severe sanctions in case of non-compliance with the terms contract 3. Unclear powers. The moment you believe that a firm agreement has been reached, the other party announces to you that it does not have the authority and right to take final decision and to make concessions and she now needs to get the approval of the other person. In this case, the following tactic of behavior is recommended. Before starting the contract, ask: "What kind of powers do you have in this case?" After receiving an evasive answer, reserve the right to revise any negotiation point or ask for a conversation with a person with real rights. If the situation in question arose at the end of the negotiations, you can tell your partner: “If your management approves this project, we will assume that we have agreed. Otherwise, each of us is free to make any changes to the project. ”4. Deliberately choosing a bad place to negotiate. If you suspect that your environment is working against you, which is not comfortable room it was deliberately chosen so that you strive to quickly end the negotiations and be ready to yield on demand, what to do in this case? First of all, you need to try to understand the reasons for your unpleasant sensations, discuss your proposals with the other side. Tell them that you are uncomfortable. Offer to take a break, move to another more convenient room, or agree to reschedule the meeting. To conclude our discussion of commercial negotiation techniques, we will point out a general tactical rule for countering the use of such techniques. Its essence is to timely recognize the partner's tactics, openly declare its presence in his behavior and question the legality and desirability of such tactics, i.e. discuss it openly.

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Constructive dialogue

Definitions of Expression Constructive Dialogue When we find the identical definition of "Constructive Dialogue" we add + 1 to the rating. Sort: by rating | by date

The constructive way out is to try to change your own, internal properties. complex systems, which can lead to the transformation of the spectra of structures-attractors of evolution, sets possible ways to the future. The only and constructive choice is a parallel, alternative path. Is it really the only constructive way out to write your life-saving Grassopedia with such mistakes that were made in advance and deliberately that would only be beneficial to us? Households have a constructive approach to household chores that is more active housekeeping than passive householding.

Why Strive for Constructive Dialogue

And their dialogue is a whole story, understandable even in the presence of a language barrier. Dialogue is when two are talking. Dialogue is a way of presentation widespread in Ancient Greece, in which information or ideas are not presented by the author to the reader on their own behalf, but come through the mouths of two or more persons addressing each other. Dialogue is the first and easiest weapon of nonviolent action, but it is also its central pillar. Internal dialogue is a process that maintains the position of the assemblage point at all times. Internal dialogue is a conversation that we constantly have with ourselves. Frank dialogue is the best way to follow the truth. Socratic dialogue is an argument for the sake of defeating the interlocutor, it is both a hidden form of teaching and just a pastime.

Communication training for teachers

"CONSTRUCTIVE AND NON-CONSTRUCTION COMMUNICATION"

Purpose: development of the communicative skills of preschool educational institutions in the process of their interaction.

• Creation of a favorable psychoemotional climate.
• Revealing the communication style of each participant in the training group.
• Familiarization of teachers with the methods of constructive communication.
• Learning how to get out of problem situations by using constructive communication techniques.

The training participants sit on chairs arranged in a circle. Each participant receives a leaf of one color (red, yellow or green) - at the participant's choice.

TRAINING PROCESS:

1. Greetings.

I am very glad to welcome you all, and I hope that we will have a great communication, because today we will be training our communication skills.

2. Interviewing each member of the group about his health.

How are you feeling?

What's your mood now?

What do you expect from the training?

Since our today's event is declared as training, let me remind you of the basic principles of psychological training:

• Here and Now. The subject of our conversation, analysis should be situations that arise in the group at a given time, thoughts that appear in this moment.
• Sincerity and openness. The most important thing is not to be hypocritical or lie.
• The principle of "I". The main focus of the participants should be on introspection and reflection.

Constructive conversation in a married couple (+ scheme)

It is forbidden to use statements like “We think ...”, “We have a different opinion”, etc. All statements must be in the first person singular: "I feel ...", "It seems to me ...", etc.

• Activity. In group work, it is impossible to "sit out", since psychological training is an active form of learning and development.
• Confidentiality. Everything that is said in the group regarding the participants in the training should not go beyond it.

3. Message of the topic. Warming up the group.

A person is constantly in a whirlpool of contacts with people close to him and completely unfamiliar. His successes, achievements, as well as mental well-being largely depends on how well he mastered the art of communication. Communication is difficult process establishing and developing contacts between people. Is the ability to communicate by nature given to a person or is it necessary to learn? Of course, people learn communication skills all their lives. Moreover, you can learn to communicate only in the process of communication itself, and not only from books and advice from knowledgeable people. V teaching practice communication is the most important factor in professional success. " High technology pedagogical communication is not only one of the components, but also the leading component of pedagogical skill "(Skatkin MI). that is why teaching and practicing communication skills becomes the primary task of the teacher, who strives for effective interaction with colleagues, with children and their parents.

So, the topic of our today's training is "CONSTRUCTIVE AND NON-CONSTRUCTION COMMUNICATION".

I suggest you do the first exercise "Presentation" to warm up.

Each participant writes their name vertically in block letters. Opposite each letter of the name, it writes its own quality, which begins with this letter.

4. Statement of the problem.

There are different types of communication, but regarding its productivity, two types are usually distinguished: constructive and non-constructive.

Types of non-constructive communication.

Of course, we will not try to beat them, so that they do not become entrenched in our practice, in our minds, but we must get to know them.

• Comparison. “You are the same as your girlfriend. You make the same mistakes. " Result: the person develops resentment and diminishes the sense of self-worth.
• Neglect. "I would have your problems ...". Result: a decrease in the significance of the problem and related experiences.
• Order. "Calm down immediately." Ban on experiences.
• Hearing not included. The listener asks any formal questions that do not affect the essence of the problem. Result: the person feels that he is not being listened to and is not interesting.
• Haste. "In short ...", "Yes, I understood everything already ..."
• Own interpretation. "In fact, you are talking about ...". The listener gives the situation a different meaning and interprets it in his own way. Result: due to misunderstanding, either anger or a person will withdraw.
• Criticism. "You are wrong, as always ...", "Well, you are as usual ...".
• Foresight. "I told you ...", "I warned you ...".

Types of constructive communication.

• Reflexive (active) listening.

In order for the communication process to be more effective, it is desirable for the teacher to master some listening techniques. They include the following techniques: verbatim repetition, paraphrasing, summarizing.

Verbatim repetition - includes reproducing aloud a part of what was said unchanged. It can be a whole phrase or a few words that make the interlocutor understand that they are being listened to carefully.

Paraphrasing - involves repeating the main content of what has been said in a more concise form or in your own words. This technique allows us to believe how correctly we understood the communication partner.

Summarizing - is a summing up, highlighting the main ideas of the speakers. This technique allows you to correctly place accents, determine the main thing in the interlocutor's speech, and, if necessary, bring the conversation to the final stage.

• Support different kind(table).

SUPPORT
Support type	Support language	Psychological mechanism	Possible mistakes
Pointing out personality strengths	"Let it be, however ...", "I know that you ..."	Expanding a person's outlook on themselves, switching from negative to positive	The strength of the personality you point to must really exist. You cannot flatter a person.
Permission to error	"You know, it happens to everyone ..."	Removing guilt	Patronizing tone
Recognition of the objective complexity of the situation	"In such a situation, there is no other way out."	Removal of personal liability	Dramatization of the situation
"I am the same as you"	"I would do that too"	Feeling of equality of positions	"Pulling the blanket" over yourself
An indication of the positive aspects of the situation	"But now you have this experience ...", "It's good that it happened now, and not later."	Change of point of view on the situation. Looking at failure on the positive side.	Ignoring the significance of the situation
Help offer	"How can I help you?"	Feeling of care, willingness to share responsibility	Solving a problem instead of a person who needs help

Participants of the training are invited to work out techniques of active listening and types of support in threes (one tells the other, the third is an observer, then they change roles).

Comments on the exercise:

Was it easy to be the listener?

What was missing?

What helped the storyteller?

How did you feel as an observer?

5. Final exercise.

Exercise "Wish".

Let's finish our today's training with wishes for today. The statement should be short, preferably in the form of one or two words. You throw the ball to someone you want to wish something and say good words... The one who catches the ball throws it to the next, etc. We will make sure that everyone has the ball.

6. Summing up the results of the lesson. Reflection of the participants.

Before we leave, I would like you to leave your leaves on the tree. This unusual tree Is a tree of knowledge, emotions and questions. Who has a green leaf - write on it briefly the knowledge that you acquired today at our training; who has a red leaf - describe the emotions that you experienced today; who has a leaf Green colour- write down those questions that remained unclear, may have arisen in the course of the training, or just want to ask me at the moment.

7. Resume of the host.

Parting.

Today we have trained our communication skills. It was easy for someone, difficult for someone. But you shouldn't stop there. Try in your teaching practice, and in Everyday life abandon various types of non-constructive communication, and use only constructive types of communication. And I'm sure you will succeed! Goodbye!

owenural.ru

Constructive dialogue. Constructive dialogue in pairs

Whoever has ears to hear, let him hear!

Ev. from Mt 11:15

Constructive dialogue in a couple is the key to long and strong relationships in the family. Her peace and harmony. Do we know how to build communication so that we can hear each other? What determines "audibility" in a pair? Is it really only from auditory analyzers?

Practice shows that in order to be heard and hear another, ears alone are not enough. We need a pair of them, no matter how ridiculous it may sound. Two people participate in the dialogue. Therefore, one pair of ears is not enough. You need two loving hearts, two pairs of ears, two heads and a little self-irony. Irony and laughter are almost the only constructive psychological defense against life's negativity. Self-irony is useful for overcoming your Ego, which does not want to surrender the bastions and selflessly defends impregnable fortress self-worth and infallibility. But in fact, he is just waging a protracted war with parental rejection and with not properly formed gender stereotypes.

Constructive dialogue is always an invitation to reflection. This is a peaceful conversation between two participants in an easy and unobtrusive exchange of thoughts. This is a search for points of contact and unity. Not proving own sight, and finding those points that will unite this view and allow you to create general image vision of the problem.

The first and most important thing for constructive communication is understanding why the conversation is being conducted, for what purpose. If the goal is to find common ground in the thoughts expressed, then the dialogue will be positive and constructive. And if it is important to defend your point of view, then the conversation will turn into an argument.

Think and answer yourself the question: Are these relationships important to you or the correctness of your view? It will depend on this whether you will maintain a positive constructive communication style or will permanently be in a conflict-proving position.

This is where transactional analysis comes to the rescue, where we are invited to see from what positions the dialogue is being conducted. For this, the roles are used: Adult, Parent, Child. And communications (transactions) between these roles.

The Adult position means responsibility and a realistic view of the content of this communication. An adult adheres to assertive (confident) behavior, where he takes responsibility for his words and actions, and also supports the opponent, helps him cope with this problem and with his role in the communication process. This position is the most conflict-free.

The role of the Parent is conditioned by instructive manners in the process of communication, the desire to be higher and the feeling that this person knows best what is right for the other. The parent does not take into account the emotional state of the interlocutor, his needs and desires. From the point of view of transactional analysis, this position always generates conflict.

The position of the Child as a role in communication means the manifestation of the “I want” intention. The child as a role in the communicative process is unambiguously not conflicting. For example, a woman in the role of a Child can settle an argument. A man in such a role will assume an irresponsible position, which will certainly provoke the whipping up of unwanted tension, since the gender role of a Man involves taking responsibility upon himself, and this is the role of an Adult. This means that a man, being in the position of a Child, resigns from himself the authority of responsibility in the dialogue.

Communication logic

Constructive dialogue in pairs. What knowledge can help us to achieve it? In addition to transactional analysis, there is also elementary Aristotelian logic with its simple and quite clear laws, adhering to which you can also maintain constructive communication.

Let's give an example of logical patterns.

What is the way of this connection, what is it?

In the judgment (hereinafter, the dialogue), the subject (logical subject) is distinguished - this is the concept referred to in the judgment and the predicate (logical predicate) is the concept by which something is asserted or denied about the subject.

This means that the dialogue can look like this: one participant in the dialogue expresses a thought (subject), the second must designate a concept (predicate) that will confirm or reject this thought.

The rule of constructive criticism

Constructive dialogue in pairs. In order for the dialogue to be constructive and peaceful, if you want to reject the thought of the first participant in the dialogue, the second can use the rule of constructive criticism, which says:

1. Praise.
2. Express criticism.
3. Praise again.

With this approach, the interlocutor will hear criticism without resistance. Otherwise, either he will not hear her at all, or aggression will arise, and the conversation will develop into a conflict.

If you try to adhere to these simple mental constructions in dialogue, and also remember that you are not facing an enemy, but a soul mate, you can achieve conflict-free and constructive communication. Not immediately, but gradually, training their positions (roles) in the dialogue, adhering to the logic of the conversation and remembering kindness in expressing critical remarks.

The art of constructive dialogue

Speak so that you can be heard!

Listen so as to hear the interlocutor!

Remember that this is a dialogue of loving hearts, not a cold mind !!!

mercabadom.ru

Express our feelings constructively.

In the previous article, we learned through recognizing our feelings and emotions to understand what is happening to us.

Understanding our emotions and feelings is a must if we want to know what is happening to us and find solutions to the problem. But, often, in addition to understanding, it is also necessary to constructively convey to the partner information about what is happening to us and what we want.

What is constructive dialogue? This is a message to your partner about your condition, your needs and the development of a joint solution. Throwing out one's state on the interlocutor, closing in on oneself, hiding or substituting some emotions for others does not contribute to constructive dialogue.

Therefore, it is only after we learn to recognize our feelings and emotions that we can engage in constructive dialogue that will lead us to satisfying results.

You might argue that constructive dialogue is possible without recognizing your feelings and emotions. I agree with that. But so that it leads to satisfying results and we do not regret that we did not say something, that we missed something, that we forgot something, understand what is happening to us and what we want - required condition... And as we found out, this is possible only if we get to know ourselves, with our needs through the emotions and feelings that we experience.

Think about it: what is the purpose of constructive dialogue? This:

• show where the problem is (and to show, you need to know for sure, not guess)
• try to find a joint solution to the problem that would satisfy the needs of both partners.

But in order for us to be heard, it is necessary to observe a few more rules, which we will talk about.

We speak in the first person.

One of the main conditions for a constructive conversation is to speak in the first person. Our task is to inform the partner about ourselves, about our experience, and not about his behavior. For example, if we tracked that when they raise our voice at us, we get lost and cannot speak, then this is exactly what we need to voice: “I close when they raise my voice to me”. Starting a conversation with the pronoun "you", we show our self-doubt, exactingness and the partner ceases to perceive us. Speaking in the first person, we seem to invite a partner to a dialogue that is safe for him.

We are talking about the feelings that we experienced.

We are used to keeping silent about what we are experiencing, not telling even people close to us for fear of offending them, making them angry or being rejected. We are afraid that we will be accused of selfishness, that we think only of ourselves. But in reality, we just don't know how to speak constructively. We are silent, and the partner remains completely unaware of what is happening to us. And when the cup of patience overflows, when we explode, he is perplexed, because he believed that since we are silent, then everything suits us. Therefore, in order for a partner to recognize our condition, it must be voiced.

We talk about our reaction to the actions of a partner, indicating the reason.

It is very important to talk about our reactions to the actions of a partner so that the partner can understand why we suddenly fell silent or were offended, and not build our own assumptions about what this is connected with. After all, if we are silent, then the partner remains unaware of how we react to his actions, what we feel at the same time. And he does these actions over and over again, strengthening our negative state.

And if our partner also does not tell us about feelings and reactions to our words and actions, we also remain in the dark of what is happening, and sincerely do not understand why our partner suddenly lost interest in us. And the worst thing is that under this weight of misunderstanding, misunderstanding, resentment, relationships are destroyed that could be pleasant and satisfactory for us if we were not silent.

We are talking about needs that have not been met.

If we do not talk about our needs, then it will be difficult for a partner to understand why we are experiencing certain feelings. And he, most likely, will proceed from his understanding of why we are experiencing these feelings and give not the reaction that we expect. For example, if we have a need to be included in the life of a partner, but we do not talk about it, the partner may regard our behavior as a desire to control his life.

We are only talking about a specific action to which we reacted.

It is very important not to use generalizations if we want to solve a specific problem. Expressions like "you always" or "you never" lead away from constructive dialogue. For a partner to hear us, it is necessary to talk about a specific case and specific action. For example: “In the morning I was very upset and felt resentment because you didn’t put away the dishes in the evening as you promised.”

Checking, not approving.

It is very important for constructive dialogue not to use affirmative sentences that lead to resistance. We cannot know one hundred percent why this or that act was committed or this or that opinion was chosen. For example, it is better to ask, "Did you really know it hurts me?" Instead of, "You know it hurts me."

Let's clarify.

People are different, and for the same event they may have different opinion... If we remember this, then it will not be difficult for us to find out the partner's position, what he thinks about this. For example, “I assumed you knew it was pissing me off. I was wrong?"

We cannot know what the other is feeling, because our knowledge is only assumptions, so it is better to clarify them than to pass them off as truth.

We do not give orders and instructions on what to do to change the situation.

One of the main mistakes in a constructive conversation is the desire to impose your solution to a problem by indicating what to do. The imposed decision is not enforced. Therefore, our task is to convey our position so that the solution is joint. For example, instead of saying, “You need to tell me that you are late so that I don’t worry,” it’s better to say, “I would not be so worried if I knew that you would be late.”

We inform, not order.

If we are not satisfied with something in the answer or in the behavior of a partner during a conversation, try to convey this to him without using an orderly tone. For example: "Your grin is not pleasant to me", instead of: "Stop grinning!"

We do not remember past grievances.

This is the hardest part of a conversation - getting away from past grievances and talking about a specific case. Remembering and speaking past grievances, we seem to pass judgment on the fact that a person is not able to change and our attitude towards him is also already established. By and large, we do not leave the partner the opportunity to make adjustments to their behavior.

We do not blame.

When we resort to blaming our partner, we kind of shift the responsibility for our feelings onto him. Yes, the partner aroused these emotions and feelings in us, but we experience them, because we perceived the partner's actions as offensive, annoying, etc. It is better to talk about this to your partner so that he hears us, what actions cause such feelings in us, than to blame.

By giving responsibility to our partner for our feelings, we also give him power over ourselves. And to take responsibility for your feelings means to control them, to control yourself.

And another moment, by accusing, we make our partner want to defend himself. And in a state of protection, a person will not hear us and will not be able to understand what we want to convey to him.

We are not insulting.

If we feel that we want to offend our partner, then we need to realize that we are not ready for a constructive dialogue. By insulting a person, we let him know that our task is not to solve the problem constructively, but to throw out our accumulated emotions on a partner. With this we close the possibility of further conversation. The same applies to the sarcasm in our words.

We do not threaten the partner's self-esteem.

Another important point, which does not contribute to a constructive conversation - this is a desire to offend the partner's self-esteem. By humiliating a partner, we assert ourselves at his expense, show him that we understand better, understand the problem better than he does, know more, etc. That is, we initially put the partner below us. By such actions, we make the partner want to get away from the conversation or shift the responsibility for solving the problem onto us: "You are worried, so this is your problem."

We do not hurt the feelings of the other.

By touching a partner's feelings, we close the path to constructive dialogue. Another mistake is attributing to the partner those feelings that we think he is experiencing, without specifying whether this is so.

Yes, the act or words of a partner caused negative experiences in us, but this does not mean at all that he deliberately wanted to hurt. He just does not own the knowledge that you are reading about now. Therefore, it is necessary to completely exclude such phrases as: “you take pleasure when you humiliate me”, “you always want to be at your best”, etc., which will not allow us to conduct a constructive dialogue.

We do not assess the deed.

In a constructive dialogue, only the partner himself can make an assessment of his act, but not like us, since we do not know for certain the motive why he did this. If we want to find out the motive, then it is imperative to use the rules "check, not approve" and "clarify".

We do not deny the ability of a partner.

If we want to find a solution to the problem, then we must refrain from denying the partner's ability to change. Often it is our disbelief that a partner can change and does not allow him to do so. We exclude such phrases: “You don’t understand the situation”, “You are not able to listen”, etc.

Don't require instant change.

If we want a partner to change his behavior, then in no case should an instant change be required so as not to arouse resistance or a desire to defend himself from the partner (to defend his position).

Sketch from the course "Developing Conscious Attention":

After I flared up, I allowed myself at that moment not to analyze the situation, but simply to shut up in order to calm down. As a result, I realized that while he needs to be asked to do something ... But in the future there is a possibility that with the development of certain skills and traditions, he will be able to cook something himself, without fear that he will do something “not So". I don't like the outcome now, but it suits me more than a quarrel, when everyone stays with his own opinion and nothing moves from the point of view. "

To summarize:

If your partner causes negative feelings in you with his behavior, he needs to be informed about this, resorting to the rules that we reviewed today, clearly understanding what you want to get in the end.

You can prepare for the conversation in advance by writing it down and checking for a violation of the rules. If necessary, correct and read aloud what happened, assuming that it is being addressed to you. If the text does not evoke negative emotions in you and you, while reading it, will clearly understand what the author wants (in this case, you yourself), then you are well prepared for the dialogue.

When starting a conversation, keep a goal in mind - what you want to get in the end. Then you will not make mistakes in conversation and will not go astray.

Let me remind you that our task is to say about our feelings, that we are hurt and want the partner to change his behavior in a way that suits both of you.

An example scheme for a conversation:

• describe your feelings
• denote the behavior of the partner for which you have these experiences
• inform about what can be changed in this situation.

The ability to communicate your condition to your partner is just one of the skills that you will acquire by participating in the distance course "Developing Conscious Attention".

We all know "how to" and "how to".

But is your knowledge your skill?

I am a practitioner and I know that theory without practical application is worthless. In the course I have developed, "Developing Conscious Attention" through understanding yourself, you will reach a different level of life that satisfies you.

I will give you the tools, we will work them out together with you, and you will become a specialist in effective interaction. Moreover, we will work out on your specific life situations to obtain a result that satisfies you.

After completing the course, you will have at your disposal not only the tools, but also the skill and experience effective interaction that you acquire on the course. You will have support from the participants of the closed forum of the Center "Conscious Attention". Which gives you the guarantee to build your life the way you want, since you will already know what you want and what you need to do for this. And this is the best investment in yourself and your future!

Send your application for participation right now to the address The course starts on October 1.

Information about the course.

Respectfully yours, Tatiana Ushakova.

When using an article or part of it, a valid link to the source is required http://o-vni2.blogspot.com/2012/09/blog-post_18.html

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what is it, rules and features

The purpose and style of the conversation is the difference between a constructive dialogue and a normal one. Normal conversation is about sharing information and emotions. Constructive dialogue is aimed at streamlining thought and forming a worldview. The main goal is to achieve understanding of the interlocutors. The result of such a dialogue is the formation of a sense of constructive awareness and a common point of view between the participants in the conversation.

Hear

The ability to hear, and not just listen, is the main rule of constructive dialogue. Even if you think that you thoroughly know this issue. Because the idea and essence of thought may differ significantly from your vision of the problem. And interrupting the interlocutor because of the desire to give a quick answer leads to the fact that the person withdraws into himself and no longer wants to continue the dialogue.

Even after you have made sure that the thoughts of the interlocutor are familiar to you, you need to familiarize yourself with the vision of his picture of what is happening. Find out all the nuances and come to a consensus. And only after that can you give ready-made answers.

The ability to hear the interlocutor is the first step towards mutual understanding.

Talk

“The ability to communicate with people is the same commodity bought for money, like sugar and coffee. And I am ready for this ability to pay more than for any other product in this world "- said John Rockefeller.

Correct communication is the ability to speak the right words in the right time.

And the higher the position of a person in business, the more expensive his time spent on each specific word.

The leader must:

• direct the actions of subordinates to achieve the intended goals;
• correctly express your thoughts and ideas;
• justify your vision in different circumstances.

To achieve your goals, you need to express thoughts constructively. They should evoke the emotions and beliefs you need. A person in a leadership position must be able to influence subordinates with words. This is necessary for successful business.

Convince

Constructive communication helps develop a conscious understanding of the need for action to achieve a result. To do this, you need to form your vision of the situation in him. The person must come to the conclusion that you need to do the way you want him to. The first stage of persuasion is repression. It consists in refuting the arguments of your opponent, proving the inconsistency of his beliefs. After refutation, it is necessary to introduce your arguments into his mind. This is called substitution.

Persuasion scheme:

• proof of the inconsistency of the ideas of the interlocutor, by demonstrating negative qualities;
• demonstration of the positive features of your idea.

Otherwise, the interlocutor may agree with your arguments, but act according to his vision.

Principles of verbal communication

In order for communication not to be meaningless and empty, it is necessary to know the rules and principles of communication. These include: quantity, quality, attitude and method.

1. Quantity. The statement should contain no more and no less information than required.
2. Quality. The statement must be truthful, with a sufficient amount of justification.
3. Attitude. Do not deviate on other topics.
4. Way. Express your thoughts clearly, avoid ambiguity, and be short and orderly.

The principle of communication can also be attributed to the rules of speech circulation. This principle includes tact, generosity, approval, modesty, agreement, and sympathy.

Tact

Tact refers to the boundaries of personal realms. It is necessary to maintain a distance between interlocutors. You should not talk about the purpose of the conversation if the opponent has not voiced it, and also avoid topics about personal life and tastes.

Generosity

Try to formulate your proposals, avoiding forced coercion. The opponent must be able to refuse it.

OK

The views of the people conducting the dialogue must coincide, be positive in attitude. Different visions make it much more difficult to achieve your own goals.

Modesty

You need to suppress excessive praise and have realistic, objective self-esteem. High self-esteem can negatively affect the achievement of the result.

Agreement

The interlocutors must abandon the conflict in order to solve the set goal.

Sympathy

Addressing your opponent should be sympathetic. Lack of goodwill makes constructive dialogue impossible.

Compliance with the rules and principles is not absolute. But they allow you to achieve a positive communication climate, because the efficiency of information transfer increases in an atmosphere of trust and benevolence.

Psychological norms of communication

The psychological norms of communication include the following principles:

• the principle of equal security;
• the principle of noncentric orientation;
• the principle of adequacy.

The principle of equal security lies in the mutual respectful attitude of the interlocutors to each other. It is forbidden to use insults, labels, rude language, offensive words, contempt and ridicule.

The principle of non-centric focus means directing all the forces of the participants to solve problems. Instead of defending ambitions and selfish interests.

The principle of adequacy is based on the correct perception of what is said, as well as on the correct articulation of the thought.

When conducting a constructive dialogue, the main thing is that the dialogue partner understands what you are saying. Because the sender of the message is responsible for understanding the meaning.

Possible obstacles

1. The main factor that interferes with constructive conversation is value judgment.
2. It is very difficult to always be sure of the same views with the interlocutor, therefore it is necessary to speak with facts, without arguments for or against.
3. Try to conduct the conversation in such a way that the person wants to realize your desire himself.
4. If the dialogue partner does not have a desire to share information, do not arrange an interrogation, this can lead to a dispute.
5. Do not convince the person that their actions are explained by fear, jealousy or other emotions, this can cause resentment towards you and provoke an attack of aggression.
6. If the interlocutor sees problems in resolving the situation, then show respect for his feelings and experiences.
7. Even if you have no interest in the subject of the interlocutor, be tact and try not to interrupt him.
8. Do not demonstrate your superiority over the interlocutor, even if you have reason to do so.
9. Formulate sentences in the form of a request, not an order. This stimulates the interlocutor to desire to help.

What else can hinder constructive dialogue:

• discussion of events that have already occurred;
• choosing the wrong interlocutor;
• desire to change not the situation, but others;
• an obstacle in communication based both on personal hostility and on other reasons;
• avoidance of the interlocutor, because of his possible negative impact on the situation;
• inability to perceive the speech of the interlocutor;
• semantic factor: the use of jargon or slang can turn off;
• self-doubt.

Emotional stress during communication

It is necessary to conduct a constructive dialogue with a cold mind, without excessive emotions and feelings. Excessive emotions can lead to loss of control over the situation.

To relieve emotional stress, there are the following techniques:

• do not use defense and attack tactics;
• formulate your thought so as not to arouse a desire to defend yourself;
• do not make excuses, by this you show weakness;
• explain your point of view calmly and thoroughly;
• eliminate the source of negativity;
• show a willingness to understand your opponent;
• do not focus on your needs.

Communication culture

For positive relationships with people, use a culture of communication and control your behavior. This requires:

• take the interlocutor on an equal footing;
• behave with dignity and respect;
• appreciate the importance of the personality and actions of the person with whom you are conducting a conversation;
• demonstrate your interest;
• create visible and conscious attention.

Communication technique

To be correctly understood and useful to the interlocutor, use the rules of constructive communication:

1. Conduct a conversation in the language of the interlocutor, do not use in communication complex terms and expressions. Emphasize your respect for your opponent. Try to find something in common, which makes it easier to build a conversation.
2. Show interest in your opponent's problems. Listen carefully and let him speak.
3. Talk about how you feel. This will help build trust in you.
4. Do not say unnecessary words if you do not know how to solve the problem.
5. Don't take your partner's actions negatively.

Listening technique

To conduct a dialogue, it is necessary to master the techniques of listening to the interlocutor. These include: active (reflexive), passive (non-reflective), and empathic.

Active

The active technique is to reflect the information received. This shows the interlocutor your attention, interest and respect, and also retains attention, without losing the thread of the conversation.

Passive

Passive technique reflects full focus on the information received and the partner's behavior. To demonstrate that you are interested in a topic, sometimes nod your head, thereby confirming - you will heed the interlocutor.

Empathic

Empathic technique is based on empathy with the opponent. It is necessary not only to understand, but also to share the emotions of the interlocutor. For a positive constructive dialogue, it is advised to master this technique. It is necessary to tune in to listening to your opponent, to abstract from your problems and surrounding events. Try to capture your partner's feelings and convey them in words. Pause after your words for the interlocutor to think it over. There is no need to explain the reason for these experiences.

Teaching children

When raising a child, do not forget to teach him the correct ability to listen and respect the interlocutor. This training is about controlling your own speech. Children repeat everything after the people around them. Try to keep your interaction with your child the same as with an adult. Communicating with parents, children must learn to live, being able to argue and defend their point of view. Let them be proactive. Don't interrupt despite the absurdity of the statement. Listen to him to the end, carefully and thoroughly explain the wrong to the child. Teach him to defend his point of view.

Constructive communication with children

To find mutual language with the younger generation, use the following rules:

1. Set clear boundaries for what is permissible. Remind them constantly. You shouldn't let them discuss them. This will lead to parental manipulation.
2. Boundaries should be appropriate for the age and interests of the child. Change the rules as your child gets older. Express praise for any accomplishments and successes. This strengthens self-confidence and stimulates personal development, as well as further achievement.
3. The rules and restrictions must be observed by all people involved in the process of raising a child. If this is not observed, then it is difficult for the child to perceive and observe them.
4. The punishment must be reasoned and consistent with the offense.

Conclusion

To avoid many problems and misunderstandings in modern world, each person should know and use the rules of constructive dialogue, as well as be able to control their behavior. This knowledge and experience will help to avoid many conflict situations. Consider if you have such skills. After learning the basics of constructive dialogue in your life, it will become much easier to have relationships in your family, friendships, and at work.

psyhoday.ru

Constructiveness

The benefits of constructiveness

• Constructiveness makes it possible to reduce the time of negotiations due to clearly formulated theses.
• Constructiveness allows you to block aggression and translate communication into a productive channel.
• Constructiveness helps to identify the causes of errors and shortcomings and find relevant and actual paths exit from problem situations.
• Constructiveness contributes to a clear formulation of goals and objectives.

Constructiveness in everyday life

• Negotiation. Constructive people share information, making sure that the conversation is equally useful to all parties.
• Politics. Establishing a constructive dialogue in the internal and foreign policy is strategically important for maintaining order and stability in the state.
• Design. Design is distinguished from pure art by its applied character and applicability in life. Ideally, any kind of design, be it industrial, interior or fashion design, is constructive.
• Business. There is a clear etiquette in business communication. Lack of constructive actions and conversations leads to inevitable financial losses. Perhaps it is due to constructiveness that many successful businessmen have achieved success and prosperity in business.

How to develop constructiveness

We learn constructive criticism. Only such criticism can be considered constructive, which does not lead to aggression and conflicts, it does not say "what is bad", but advises "how to do better." A common example of aggressive criticism is "Where are you going?" - and constructive: "Please go to the left." The ability to choose the right words and formulate a communication message is of great importance in the interpersonal relationships of business partners, managers and subordinates, colleagues.

Learning to reflect aggression. There are several ways to repel, or cushion, aggression.

1. You agree with the stated phrase in your direction. For a complete stupor of the attacker, the phrase can be developed. For example: "What a fool you are!" “Yes, I'm a fool. And also a selfish, poorly educated and uncultured person. " Such a move will immediately cool the ardor of the attacker, since you said everything he wanted for him.
2. You start asking leading questions, moving from the emotional to the rational sphere. "What a fool you are!" - "Do you think that I am a fool?", "And what is your opinion connected with?" etc. This method is also good because you can "spin" your opponent to constructive criticism (which, undoubtedly, can be useful for further self-development).

More details on the methods of counterattack can be found in the work of A.G. Safronov. “We are attacking - we are being attacked. Theory and Practice of Psychological Aikido ".

We learn and improve structuredness. Along with the linear fixation of information, the method of mind maps has been developed and actively used for the last several decades. The essence of this method is to visualize the subject of memorization and its connections with other actions and tasks.

Golden mean

Unreasonableness, irrationality

Constructiveness

Excessive prudence

Winged expressions about constructiveness

No one values ​​constructive criticism as highly as the critic himself. - Hal Chadwick - Think constructively, speak comfortingly, act compassionately. - Bhagavan Sri Sathya Sai Baba - Human nature - potentially aggressive and destructive, but also potentially organized and constructive. - Margaret Mead - He who thinks clearly states clearly. - A. Schopenhauer - Alexander Friedman / The Art of Constructive Dialogue This audio course helps to translate intuitive knowledge into constructive interpersonal communication techniques. The author examines effective methods of business communication, conflict-free way out of controversial situations, effective techniques for "selling" your ideas, services or commercial proposals. Ivanova Maria / Constructive Dialogue (magazine "Top-Manager", №10 (20)) The article is devoted to the problem of constructive relations between a manager and his subordinates and partners. The postulates of Grice's speech communication and their description are given. Grishina N.V. / Psychology of Conflict The book systematizes the types of conflicts, approaches to their understanding and methods of a constructive way out of them.

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Techniques for constructive communication

In the process of communication, consciously or unconsciously strive to satisfy your needs for love, security, a sense of your importance and sometimes power over another person.

Constructive communication can be interfered with

1. Value judgment 2. Words are debtors 3. Interrogation or interrogation 4. Persuasion by logic 5. Changing the topic of a conversation that is not finished

Technique of constructive communication

Communication is often an emotional process and strong emotions that can interfere with the correct perception of the interlocutor, make it difficult to understand his motives, and as a result lead to conflicts and misunderstandings.

1. Do not defend yourself and do not attack in return. 2. React to emotions first. People are sometimes outraged that they are not heard and do not appreciate their efforts. 3. Speak your partner's feelings. Show that you heard and understood the person's point of view, confirm this until he calms down and can explain what the matter is.

Rules for managing your emotions and feelings.

1. If you are under stress, I recommend: Slowly drink a glass of water; Find a place where you can be alone and wet your face and wrist there cold water; Find a small object and examine it for 2 minutes, then close your eyes and present it in all its details.

2. Respect the feelings of others. Because you are not always the cause of the emotional outburst.

3. Be patient when someone is going through a violent emotional reaction. Ability to allow others to express their emotions.

4. Move away from negative power struggles. There are situations when a person, in order to raise his low self-esteem, draws you into an emotional argument, the purpose of which is not the search for truth, but self-affirmation at your expense. Your confrontation or giving up will reinforce this behavior. Help these people restore their positive self-attitudes in other ways, such as praising their true worth.

5. Avoid the temptation to punish, retaliate, blame, avoid reproach and criticism. Since this is unlikely to have the desired effect, it causes resentment and aggression.

6. Splash negative emotions should not harm others.

Scheme "I-statement" (this technique of constructively expressing one's own negative emotions)

1. Event (Description of an unwanted situation). Example: “When you shout at me in the company, you reprimand me in front of everyone….”

2. Your reaction (description of your feelings). Example: "... I am very angry, I am offended ..."

3. Preferred outcome (description of the desired option). Example: “… I would like to….”

When describing your emotional state it is necessary to avoid elements of condemnation of your interlocutor as the reason for this reaction.