We all need emotional acceptance from other people, first of all, a CLOSE PERSON.

Shows of love and emotional acceptance on the part of relationship partners are absolutely necessary condition for the successful formation and development of relationships.

Feeling loved and emotionally accepted by your partner, we feel comfortable and confident, and look to the future with optimism. This attitude towards each other becomes the basis for positive self-acceptance and positive self-esteem.

On the other hand, if we lack acceptance, we begin to achieve it by all means available to him: we attract attention to ourselves, we try to please our partner, we become pathologically attached to another, or we begin to look for someone who will give it to us or replace it, for example, a cat, a dog.

If acceptance is catastrophically lacking and the partner despairs of receiving it, he withdraws into himself, can become embittered at the whole world or physically wither (literally get sick). in the language of specialists, such a disease is called the syndrome of affective deprivation (lack of emotional warmth).

In childhood, as soon as the child has an “I” as a special instance of behavior control, he adopts (or, as psychologists say, internalizes) acceptance and rejection from relatives and important people, and it becomes his own relation to himself, i.e. turns into deep self-acceptance or self-rejection.

What is ACCEPTANCE?

Acceptance is understood as the recognition of a person's right to his inherent individuality, dissimilarity to others, including dissimilarity to a loved one. Recognition that he has a different map of the world with his own values, beliefs and principles. Recognition that the partner can perceive the situation completely differently than we do and react differently to it.

To accept another means to affirm the unique existence of this particular person, with all his inherent qualities.

How can you implement the acceptance of a partner in everyday communication with him?

First of all, it is necessary to pay special attention to those estimated that partners constantly express in communication with each other.

Unfortunately, for most partners, statements like:

• "Are you stupid?!"
• "That's stupid! .."
• "How many times to explain!.",
• "But why did I just contact you! ..",
• "Where have you wandered?! ..".
• "You're not a man!"

All future and current partners should understand very well that

each such statement, no matter how fair in essence it may be, no matter what the situation may be, causes serious harm to your love, undermines the credit of trust in each other.

It is necessary to develop a rule for yourself not to evaluate the partner himself negatively, but to criticize only an incorrectly performed action or an erroneous, thoughtless act.

For this, there are special techniques for presenting criticism. which are desirable to learn. You can learn about this in my special course, which is called: How to build effective feedback in a relationship.

Your partner must be confident in your love, regardless of their current successes and achievements.

A person who accepts himself is confident in himself, he trusts himself, and this trust gives him solid ground under his feet - support in acceptance. independent decisions and experience different kind life crises.

A person who does not accept himself has no such support, he

depends on the opinions and attitudes of others, needs a constant positive assessment, confirming its value.

Therefore, such a person is easy to manipulate, easy to lead, he actually renounces independence and unconsciously seeks to find an authoritative leader (spiritual or ideological), to whom he entrusts the most responsible decisions.

Such people often become neurotic. They are usually prone to pathological addiction from another person, thereby bringing into the relationship something that then destroys them very quickly.

No one wants to see a mental drug addict next to them.

It is clear that accepting yourself is better than not accepting yourself. It is unlikely that anyone wants to want his or her loved one to become a non-accepting person.

However, we ourselves often take the first step towards turning our partner into such a soul addict.

How does this happen?..

Zone of acceptance and non-acceptance of a partner

All of us from time to time experience two different feelings for each other - ACCEPTANCE and REJECTION.

Let's look at an example.

So, the entire behavior of the PARTNER - everything that he can do or say - can be represented as a rectangle:

Obviously, you can accept some of his behavior, some you can't. The respective areas in the rectangle are represented as the acceptance area and the non-acceptance area.

(For example, if your Partner watches TV on a Sunday morning and doesn't disturb you, they fall into the acceptance area. If the TV sound is too loud and annoys you, this is the area of ​​rejection.)

The dividing line in the rectangle will obviously be different for different partners.

For example, one partner may often experience feelings of warmth and acceptance towards their loved one or loved one. The other partner of a relationship rarely experiences a feeling of warmth and acceptance for a loved one or loved one:

As a rule, this applies not only to this partner, but to people in general. As a result, there are people who are more accepting of others. They have a zone ACCEPTANCES more than a zone REJECTION. Such people are more focused on finding: consent. similarities, commonality. Other people are more reluctant to accept others.

They are looking for differences, inconsistencies, what distinguishes them from others, what they do not agree on. As a rule, they are critical of themselves and others.

The zone of acceptance and non-acceptance, as a rule, is not constant and can change under various factors.

So there is THREE MAIN FACTORS, affecting your acceptance of other people's behavior:

YOU YOURSELF- Your activities, mood needs this moment. Laughter, loud talking, for example, which you usually take in calmly, can be irritable if at this time you are trying to focus on difficult work.

WEDNESDAY- Your tolerance depends on the time and place where the behavior is implemented. You can, for example, be okay with some of your partner's questionable jokes among close friends, but in no case do the same in the company of strangers.

PARTNER- of course, you are influenced by the characteristics of your partner, his character traits and his characteristic forms of behavior. What is allowed to one will not be allowed to another.

In other words, your tolerance for your partner's behavior is not something permanent and unchanging. In fact, it often changes under the influence of these three factors. And, if so, then having learned to manage them, we can effectively influence your chosen one or chosen one, the situation and ourselves. In fact, the first three courses of study in our higher school will be devoted to this.

Conditional acceptance of a partner.

So, as you already understood, very often the emotional rejection and rejection of a person (including a lover) who has caused us some kind of displeasure occurs purely impulsively, against our will. It seems that this is a natural reaction inherited from our ape-like ancestors.

And the beloved causes our displeasure quite often. And so we get annoyed with him, get angry, swear, raise our voices - i.e. expressing our emotional rejection.

Of course, we do not always accept our beloved. There are many situations where he behaves "good", where he is nice and pleasant. In these cases, we take loved one and he also accepts himself.

Thus, the acceptance of a loved one turns out to be conditional: he is accepted on condition of his “good” behavior, and not accepted when he behaves “badly” from our point of view.

Many will say that this is normal. We do not want to tolerate partner behavior that we consider unacceptable for ourselves. Of course we don't want to. But, very often this unacceptability is a manifestation of the individuality of another person, then how he differs from us.

Often the mechanism of conditional acceptance manifests itself in childhood.

Unfortunately, upbringing is still often based on the mechanism of conditional acceptance.

The educational mechanism of conditional acceptance works something like this: an adult - purely impulsively or for "educational reasons" - emotionally rejects a child who has done something "bad": he scolds, raises his voice, grumbles, punishes.

The child, like the boy in the above passage, feels “bad”, seeks to regain the acceptance of an adult and begins to behave “correctly” and “good”, for which he receives the desired - conditional acceptance. Evaluative influences turn out to be the main way of traditional, programming, developmental and episodic education.

What happens if a person's life is dominated by situations of conditional acceptance?

Such a person is constantly forced prove your right to love He constantly seeks to please the people on whom he is dependent. He adapts to their requirements and expectations and is afraid to do something that they will not like.

As a result, a constant background of his well-being becomes an indefinite anxiety caused by uncertainty about whether he is doing the right thing or not, whether he will deserve approval and acceptance or will be rejected.

His acceptance of himself turns out to be unstable and conditional: he accepts himself when he achieves success and approval, and does not accept himself when something does not work out for him and when others evaluate him negatively.

Thus, he becomes insecure, dependent on the evaluation of others and tends to become infantilely attached to those who accept him or show acceptance. He is unable to constructively experience various life difficulties.

And one more thing: such a person learns to lie - to look right and good, so that others do not scold him.

Yes! Undoubtedly! Evaluative influences encourage the other to behave correctly and make him amenable to "education", or rather to the development of conditioned reflexes.

But, at the same time, they lay in a person self-doubt, personal dependence, secrecy, hypocrisy and future neuroses.

Our degree of acceptance of others

The extent to which we are able to accept other people is partly a function of who we are ourselves.

"Acceptance" can be a characteristic of a person's personality.

These are usually people who are internally confident, with high level tolerance (self-sufficiency). Their feelings about themselves are independent of what is happening around them, they like themselves, and so on. In the presence of such people, everyone feels that he can be himself, because. These people accept others for who they are.

This is due to the fact that they accept themselves as they are. As a rule, such people have a high internal value and significance for themselves. awareness of one's individuality and uniqueness in this world. They often approve of their behavior and praise others.

Other people, as individuals, are "more likely to reject" others, their behavior. They often have strong and rigid ideas about how to "should", "correctly" conduct and how - "wrongly", and not only in relation to relatives, but also to people in general. As a rule, the attitude of such people towards themselves and others is very evaluative.

They first of all notice what they do not like in themselves and in others. Usual delivery style feedback is criticism. They very rarely praise themselves and others.

Exercise.

In order to check whether you are an accepting or non-accepting person, do the following task.

Within three days, count all the cases when you (accepted) approved the behavior of another person in any form (praised, complimented, agreed with him, etc., even if you did it only in your head and how many times you did not accept (criticized , were dissatisfied, annoyed, endured, etc., even if you didn’t say it out loud and outwardly tried not to show it.

To be continued...

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“Because every circumstance
it is a gift and there is a treasure in every experience.”
Neil Donald Walsh

How well you live your life, in what direction, negative or positive, depends on you.

Skill plays an important role in this. accept any circumstance: and unpleasant situations, and painful conditions and social conflicts.

In order to gain the skill of "acceptance", we suggest understanding what it is and how you can learn to accept.

Bonus for readers:

Step 3. Move on without looking back

For example: you left the house, and it is raining outside. You had to go back for an umbrella. You will not be offended and complain about the rain, that it is inopportune for you.

Even if you grumble, you certainly won’t hang in this state for a long time.

Take it as a fact and proceeding from this position, another time, before leaving, look out the window and grab the necessary items right away so that you don’t have to return.

3 techniques to adopt

Technique #1 Inhale Acceptance

We offer you a very simple practice for accepting everything and everything.

It is called the Breath of Acceptance and is performed in the morning as soon as you wake up.

• Come to the window, greet the new day and declare your readiness accept any events in your life that will happen to you today.
• Ask the Higher Powers to help you and guide you in difficult times.
• Express intent see depth and wisdom in every step, in every circumstance of the coming day.
• Take a deep breath, joyfully accepting all the gifts of this day!

#2 Self Acceptance Affirmations

Do you want to increase self-acceptance and trust in the world in life by doing everything 5 minutes a day?

They will help you. These are simple, and, at the same time, unique practices that will allow you to "pump" important personal qualities easy and fast.

Technique #3 Quit Everything

At one of the webinars for clients of the Mastery Keys Training Center, Alena suggested the following practice:

“There is one gesture that breaks out from most people in difficult times.

When you raise your hand up and in your hearts say "Fuck it ..."

We are cultured people, so we will call this gesture "Give up everything with your hand."

It means that you pass the decision this situation TOP, for example, to your higher self, your mentors, your spiritual teachers.

Instead of poke in closed doors , enter a semi-meditative state, raise your hand and sharply lower it down.

Thus you abdicate responsibility for all the grips of the 3D world and pass higher powers for highest resolution situation and the highest good."

Many wrote after the webinar that the gesture worked in difficult situation. Experiment and you.

And don't forget to keep in focus what is really important to you.

To prove injustice towards you or take care of Yourself?

Share in the comments what circumstances in your life are the hardest for you to accept!

Chapter 9

Do you want to be loved the way you are? And what are you? This is the most important question. WHAT ARE YOU? Answer this question to yourself every day and you will either get what you deserve, or you will become worthy of what you want to receive.

(c) Alex_Odessa

This is a very old idea, about "love me for who I am."
This is love WITHOUT CONDITIONS. But why, then, is it very often difficult for us to find a “soul mate” for ourselves. Why does it happen that we look for it and choose it sometimes for years? Even songs and poems are composed on this occasion - “Various “NOT YOU” are wandering around in the bustle.” After all, if you love without conditions, then it would seem, what difference does it make who to love? After all, there are no conditions.

Some "spiritually advanced" citizens will say that this is because people in the greater mass and consumers. And that their love is not love at all. However, if such a “spiritually advanced” citizen who loves unconditionally is given a choice of two people, one of whom is worse than the other in some important parameters for the loving person, and the “unconditionally loving” person will have to choose one of them for living together, whom will he choose? With a probability of 99% - the one that is better. Just "the soul will reach for him." The soul knows where they are going.

It can be said that "who loves unconditionally" loves the one who is better - it is easier. It turns out that he loves him for a reason, but because he has some important qualities for him (character, for example).

If you love "just like that ...", that is, without "blinders", without expectations, without evaluations, then you can love anyone, even a homeless person. Does this mean that you will live with a homeless person? - Not. You will love him at a distance, but do not let him into your life.
Why? Because he's homeless and you're not. If you let him into your life, he will ruin your life and you know it. Therefore, to say that “you can love a homeless person” - you will, but you won’t live with him. Of course, it is easy to love those who do not relate to you in any way and do not affect your life.

Obviously? - Yes. But then where did the concept of what is unconditional love come from?

In my opinion, because people, due to their low value on, often have a choice - to be with THIS partner, or without a partner at all. Or with another, but about the same.

It is important to understand here that

Philosophical and religious ideas appear as a response to any need.

So it turns out that due to the impossibility of getting what you really want, you have to be content with what you have, or what you CAN get. And a person can get exactly as much as he DESERVES. In that sense, as much as potential partners rate him highly. And most often, such an assessment of the “patient” by potential partners leaves much to be desired. So we have to put up with what we have. (By the way, the term "HUMBLING" comes from exactly here.)

But to make it look "beautiful" you need to call it beautiful words like "unconditional love". And "declare" unconditional love and accepting a person for who they are, highly spiritual and highly moral feeling.

Therefore, the concept of "unconditional love" can be considered as rationalization. That is, the selection (search) of a rational explanation for behavior or decisions that have other, often unconscious reasons.
And often a person subconsciously strives for this unconsciousness, and applies rationalization in conjunction with the following technique described in psychology - repression.

crowding out is one of the mechanisms psychological protection, which consists in the unconscious displacement by a person from the field of his perception of what is unprofitable or unpleasant for a person to see.

But sometimes the discrepancy between the facts and the desired is so obvious that the language does not dare to call such “love” love. Even if unconditional. And people, realizing the incorrectness of this concept, came up with another rationalization - to accept a person as he is. This is a more honest rationalization than unconditional love. But nevertheless, she does not cease to be her.

“Accepting a person as he is” and “unconditional love” are rationalizations that help to REMEMBER and ACCEPT the situation without harming the psyche.

I show with an example:
Imagine the situation: Family. The husband is a parasite, but spiritually advanced. He justifies his idleness by seeking spiritual truth. The wife, on the other hand, works like a locomotive, providing for herself and the child, who, it seems, has already learned from dad to be spiritually advanced and socially lazy.


Any normal person in such a situation will send a spiritual seeker away and find someone better, but not all. After all, in order to send him "to hell" you need to be confident in yourself, in your best future, and this is not inherent in everyone. Therefore, as soon as the thought appears in the head " Why don't you send it all..., another immediately arises - “ no matter how worse....»

It is for such philosophically minded citizens that the Indian idea of ​​OSHO about unconditional love is suitable - "accept him as he is, and thereby you will show the degree of your spiritual perfection." So they live, a drone and a coward, but spiritually advanced.

Now let's take a rich family. They are doing well with both money and personal growth. What should they take? What to put up with?
There are no problems in social life. If you want to go to the Maldives, fly to the Maldives. In my personal life, everything is also fine - if something in me prevents you from loving me, and you cannot cope with it yourself, I will help you and change myself. In the spiritual, inner life, everything is also fine - a problem arose - they realized it - they solved it. What should they take? Everything is fine!!! Do you understand?

The idea of ​​acceptance is an idea for the weak and the poor. The strong and rich DO NOT NEED this idea! They have nothing to accept, nothing to put up with. They are fine!

However, on the way to wealth (material and spiritual), there are cases when something unsettles, so something needs to be done about it, and this is where the idea of ​​acceptance works, but not in OSHO’s interpretation, in mine:

How to accept what is right.

Let's ask ourselves what we're talking about accepting. And in life situations, and in a person there is and. What will we accept?
Before answering this question, it is worth understanding

"what is good and what is bad"

since it is easy to get confused in these estimates.
For example, your wallet was stolen from you at the market. This is bad? - Yes.
And if you look at this situation as a study, what life teaches you, then this is already good. Thank you life for taking such good care of me. I won't be a jerk next time." We are “smart”, so we can turn everything inside out.

How to distinguish one from the other? - Just. If any human feature or some life situation makes the future of particular "X" worse than he lived yesterday - this is a bad feature or situation. If something in a person, in his character, or some situation creates a better future, it is nice feature or situation.

In this case, the most important thing is not to think.
For example, if my wallet was stolen, I had less money, it made my tomorrow worse than today. It is a fact. But the argument that this life lesson will make my tomorrow better is not a fact. This is an assumption. Studying, maybe, will make the future better, and maybe not, but I don't have money right now.

The future is improved or worsened by specific actions and facts, not by our assumptions that our future will improve something. By and large, evaluating situations and anything in terms of “good or bad” should be based on concrete, verifiable facts, not mental constructs.

Perhaps this logic is easy to refute. Well, so what? — If you wish, you can refute anything, but why?

I start from a simple idea: “Life should constantly improve. If something worsens life, then you need to get rid of it.

So, we have an understanding of what is good in a person and what is bad.

What will we take in it? - good, bad or all together?

The answer "accept all" is nonsense. Why? - It is obvious. His “bad” personally worsens OUR future. Close people influence each other, therefore, his bad influences me and worsens my life. Why do I have to put up with this? I'm not an Indian!

It's easy to take people IN GENERAL, EVERYONE, for granted. It is easy to say that people should be loved and allowed to be themselves. Why is it easy? - Because these people do not touch us in any way in the sense that our life does not depend on them in any way. They have no influence on us. But if a loved one starts ruining our future, saying "He's so special, that's why I accept him like that..." is just stupid.

Yes, you accept it. Yes, you are all spiritual and advanced, so what? Tomorrow you will live worse than today. You will be proud of it, or maybe you will crawl under the covers and come up with a magical fantasy for yourself that a little more, a little more, a miracle will happen and ...

Do you know what kind of miracle people dream of, whose life they are now very unhappy with? Here's what: “Lord, let a miracle happen tomorrow, and I will die in my sleep, without pain and torment! God! How tired I am of my life! Take me to your place!". I do not claim that everyone thinks this way, but, somewhere in the depths of their souls, such thoughts appear in many at one time or another.

That's why, accept in a person, do not resist it, do not reject it, only the GOOD should be. Just something that makes life better. Bad things are NEVER accepted.“Accept another” means to agree that he retains the good in himself and gets rid of the bad.

Yes, a person has the right to insist on his features and be the way he wants to be. This is HIS RIGHT.
But, we DO HAVE OUR RIGHT TO ACCEPT OR NOT ACCEPT as such. We don't have to accept people for who they are. If they want to live badly, let them live. This is their life. If they make our life worse, let these people not be next to us! It is our life!

We HAVE THE RIGHT to evaluate people and make our own verdict - whether they are worthy of US or not worthy. And the verdict is simple -

if with this person our tomorrow becomes better - this is good man. If the future around him is deteriorating - this is a bad person,

but not in the sense that he has bad moral qualities. He can be a sweetheart and love children. He is bad precisely FOR US, and precisely because when we communicate closely with this person, our future becomes worse. He has a bad effect on us.

An understandable objection is “Are you weak that it affects you?”. - The point here is not weakness, but the fact that you can not have this influence at all, but have another one, one that improves our tomorrow.

In general, the desire to object to these theses can be caused by ordinary fear. If there is someone next to you who makes your life worse with his presence, you need to get rid of such a person or change him.
he, most likely, will not agree, because he knows better than you how good he is. And getting rid of it is scary. “What if there isn’t another one?” The mind very quickly calculates this logic and, of course, raises objections. But not in essence, but some kind of "distracting maneuvers." A substantive objection would be, “I'm afraid I won't find anyone. Like me ?". "Distraction" (rationalization) - these are various philosophies in support of the position "we must accept everything".

What to do if, after reading the lines above, you realized that you do not want to accept your loved ones as they are?

Very simple. Talk to them and explain the improved concept of acceptance, and then set the condition: “Either we change and our life begins to improve, or we drift apart.” And in order for everything to start moving, set a time frame: “I take 3 months of time for myself. If, after this period, I understand that nothing has become better, I consider our union not suitable for myself and close it.

You can choose other intonations of conversation, with love, but leave the essence - a condition - either we begin to live better, or we don’t live together at all. And the idea on which this conversation is based is simple, “I am worthy of the most a better life, therefore, I will live like this, and you, if you don’t want, live as you want.
Are you afraid of losing this love? But we are building a better future, where the quality of love is better, therefore, you do not lose love, but change it for the best!

And yet, you don’t have to wait all your life, what else is about to happen, and soon a person will change. Life is short to spend it on others. Spend your life on yourself, on your personal happiness. Therefore, a clear time frame for others is a way not to waste precious time of your life.

Readers of various near-spiritual books very often say or think something like the following: “He said it right. I thought so myself, I just didn’t formulate it so clearly. ” They "hear the ringing, but do not know where it is."

To articulate some kind of liberating life principle, needed personal experience liberation. It is only after experience that the "discoverer" of a principle can express it in words. It is easier to repeat what has been revealed, and it is even easier to say that “I myself think so.”

Thinking and doing are different. For example, in order to formulate “We do not have to accept people as they are:” I needed MY personal experience of NOT acceptance. Conscious experience. And this is difficult, because earlier I read the opposite from N.I. Kozlov - "Take your loved ones as they are." And subtracted for a while became my principle of life, but this did not make life better. Therefore, I revised the principle and freed myself.

But this is my personal experience. For you, these are all words that, of course, bring liberation, but only after you DO an ACT on the basis of a new principle that you like.
After all, the logic is simple - you like the principle, you take it into your life, which means you need it right now, so use it and perform an act, an act based on a new principle. If there is no deed, it's all just thinking, which life does not change and does not make better.

Acceptance is, in my opinion, one of the main human virtues that contributes to the achievement of happiness. Acceptance frees your attention from everything superfluous and allows you to direct it to what is really important.

What is acceptance? Acceptance is the opposite of denial, rejection. Acceptance allows accept reality, such as it is, and not feel frustrated that it does not meet your expectations.

Much human suffering is born out of differences between people's expectations about the nature of reality and how that reality presents itself to us.

Our expectations may relate to how people should behave, how we ourselves should be ... We can expect all people to treat us well. We can expect our government to be humane and just. We can expect from ourselves that we will always be healthy, attractive and perfect.

But, our expectations are often not quite adequate to the state of reality. Reality dictates its requirements. Reality acts according to its own laws, not according to our expectations.

Not all people show sincere admiration for us, no matter how good we are. Government workers have the same vices that we are subject to, and do not always act fairly. And we are not perfect, our health and beauty are not eternal.

These are the facts of life from which there is no escape. We can either come to terms with these facts, accept them, since we do not always have the opportunity to influence them. Or we will experience eternal rejection that some things in this life are not the way we would like them to be, although we still cannot influence these things.

Of course, we can affect our health, play sports, quit bad habits. But we will not be able to change the fact that it deteriorates with age, no matter how initially healthy person neither was.

Banal truths

We can either accept these facts of life or not accept them, creating meaningless suffering. Naturally, the best of these options is the first option.
Someone will think that I am saying terribly banal things. But, as I have noted many times before, many of the most valuable truths are very obvious! Originality is often a property of delusion and confusion. And the truth is simple.

Despite its simplicity, it is not accepted by most people. Remember how many times you felt angry because of those things that you cannot change? For example, because of rudeness on the road, in public transport, or because of the arbitrariness of your company's management.

Yes, people are evil, unfair and act in their own interests, neglecting the interests of others. Didn't you know that? Isn't this an obvious statement? Of course everyone knows about it! But you forget about it every time you yell at someone, get upset because you were rude or treated unfairly.

At such moments, your emotions are a reflection of your reaction of rejection. You seem to be shouting: “I refuse to accept this order of things, I don’t want to, I won’t put up with it, even if I can’t do anything!” In this impulse, you become like a child who was offended by the bedside table when he hurt his leg on it.

Acceptance is a very simple concept within its formulation. "Take the world as it is!" What could be easier? But reality proves that acceptance is not easy to achieve.

The greater our expectations, the more they are divorced from reality, the deeper the suffering and rejection.

We potentially have more power over our own inner world than over external reality. Therefore, when we are unable to change the world around us, we can always correct our perception of this world, our expectations...

Acceptance is not the same as passive resignation!

Here I want to make an important clarification. Acceptance is not a way of passive resignation to any circumstances, it is not a way to give up and adapt to all conditions.

Accepting reality as it is does not mean resigning yourself to the fact that your husband offends you. This does not mean putting up with a job that you do not like, giving up and silently enduring. This does not mean accepting your shortcomings and doing nothing about their eradication.

Acceptance does not exclude struggle, work on oneself, constant improvement of one's life, improvement of the conditions of one's existence. Acceptance only means that you don't get emotionally involved in things that you can't control. And even if you can influence something, then you do it with a mind free from resentment.

Suppose a colleague is systematically rude to you at work. For example, his rudeness is due to the fact that your salary is higher than his earnings. He envies you and considers it his duty to somehow pry you on the sly. Can you influence the fact that a stranger to you is experiencing envy? No you can not. By at least, not to your detriment. You will not give up your salary so that your colleagues do not envy you? People are envious and envy makes them cost intrigues and behave ignoblely. This is a fact of life.

Can you somehow influence the fact that you are rude every day? I think yes. You can just calmly talk to this person, find out what the problem is. One face to face conversation is enough. Even if this dialogue does not contain any threats and is peaceful.

People love to weave secret intrigues, to act on the sly, to play the game in front of the public, but they do not like to act directly, “on the forehead”. And when they are directly asked about their motives, called to account, they experience the shame of exposure, the bitter feeling that you are talking to them about what they avoided to talk about directly. This contributes to the fact that these people lose their desire for unwanted behavior towards you.

If talking doesn't help, then you can take other measures...

In general, you can't influence the fact that people feel jealous in any way.

But you can exclude rudeness in your address in a particular case. It's up to you. Therefore, you calmly achieve this. At the same time, you don’t think, “what a bad person, what a boor, so I’ll show him, he must answer for this!”.

You don't spend the whole evening thinking about this person, longing for revenge. You are the master of your state. You do not allow anyone to manipulate you and influence your mood. You accept the fact that people are unfair, rude towards you as one of the facts of life.

But at the same time, instead of silently enduring this rudeness, you correct the situation in your favor. And do it calmly, without irritation, anger and constant thoughts of injustice. If you can't do that, then it's not so bad. You are not strongly attached to the idea of ​​restoring justice, if it is not possible to restore it.

You accept that justice is not always an inherent property of reality. This is acceptance!

This is where it differs from passive humility, and I have gone into this example at length to emphasize this difference. Acceptance is not the opposite of action!

Acceptance and self-development

Acceptance is a very important property in the process of self-development. Why? Because self-improvement means that your best qualities will develop, and shortcomings will disappear. But one of side effects» personality development, is a strong rejection, the stage of denial.

Denial is a chimera of self-development. And this must be fought. You need to constantly pay attention to this.

Why does this denial arise?

Next, I will talk a little about myself, about my experience with rejection. You may not have that experience, but you may experience something similar. This part of the article will warn you against some things. I have already briefly touched on this issue in the article,. Here I will talk about it in more detail.

When I began to analyze myself, to direct my attention to my own development, I suddenly realized that what I had always considered an integral and uncontrollable part of my personality, in fact, was controllable.

I used to think that emotions, fears cannot be controlled by willpower, and personality cannot be changed. But then I realized that I can become the master of myself! And the main thing is that I was convinced of this on own example. But here a danger arose, which partly stemmed from excessive arrogance.

I believed that I can always control everything. It became my installation, my indestructible credo! And so I refused to accept that sometimes, after my success in self-control, my emotions again took over me.

I felt frustrated that, despite my belief in all-powerful self-control, I was still lazy, nervous in certain situations, losing control of myself. Of course, this has already happened much less frequently than before. Since then I have made considerable progress in controlling myself. But I could not fully rejoice at this progress, as I was disappointed because of my failures.

The very fact that I can't control everything has always bothered me a lot. Because of this, I was angry with myself. I also got angry at other people...

The result of this rejection was that I began to project it onto the people around me. I didn't accept things in myself and, as a result, I didn't accept them in other people. I experienced

frustration that people act on emotions, are prejudiced and do not understand things that have become obvious to me.

My rejection turned into such a form of denial that I began to deny all my previous habits, all my previous life, all my previous experience. I thought “here is the old me - bad”, and “the new me is good”. Yes, I did have a lot of bad habits. But I didn’t think much about what was bad and what was good in my old and new life, and I simply denied everything.

But only later did I realize that even in this past life there was a lot of useful and valuable experience that needs to be transferred to a new life, and not to deny it. And after all, there is no past and new life, there is only one of my lives. She may have changed a lot, but it was always me, who did not stand still and changed.

I have changed, I have realized many things, but I am very far from perfect, I can still have weaknesses, I can still experience emotions, which I write about overcoming on my website. It's normal, there's nothing you can do about it. I am working on myself, but not everything is in my power!

Yes, I will fight, I will act, but there are things that I cannot influence.

The same goes for other people. They have the same weaknesses that I have. And they have rights to these weaknesses! People are what they are! Someone wants to change, someone can use my help. And someone will criticize my ideas and deny my experience.

And I can't always influence it!

Such is the nature of things! This is another fact of life that should be accepted! Why should I make something that I can't influence, my own problem and source of frustration?

This understanding had (and continues to have) a very beneficial and sobering effect on me. It was even fatal and marked a whole new stage in my development.

I consider this very important and therefore I try to provide this article with detailed examples.

"Lion Stage"

In connection with the last example from my life, I am reminded of the stages in the formation of a personality that the German philosopher Friedrich Nietzsche outlined in his book “As Zarathustra Spoke”.

I experienced the great influence of this philosopher in my youth, having read all of his major books. But now my views are almost the opposite of the main ideas of Nietzscheism, for which I am unspeakably glad. Nietzsche's philosophy contains the most dangerous delusions for the individual. My ideas have nothing in common with the sophisticated aesthetic hedonism and egocentrism preached by the German philosopher.

I won't go into detail on this. Let this be the topic of a separate article. This was a necessary remark. Since I am citing an example from Nietzsche's book, I must also briefly indicate my attitude towards his views.

So, the philosopher designates three stages of personality development.

The first stage is a camel. Man, like this animal, hangs tons of weight on himself. Of course, the load is a metaphor. This refers to the ideological load: moral norms, social stereotypes, behavior patterns, ideals. The camel does not ask what exactly lies in those bags that were placed on it. Also, a person does not ask about the meaning of those values ​​that have been "hung" on him.

The second stage is the lion. This stage corresponds to a reassessment of values. The lion is a formidable and aggressive predator. A personality, like a lion, after a reassessment of values, will aggressively attack its past ideals, which society “hung” on it at the camel stage.

He will not ask what is bad and what is good, but will simply mindlessly destroy all this cargo.

This stage corresponds to the stage of denial, which I wrote about above.

The third stage is the baby. The baby looks at the world with a clear eye. His perception is pure and free from stereotypes. The lion destroyed the old ideals, and now the baby can re-learn nature, create a new value system.

I gave this classification because I partly agree with it. Only I do not agree with the conclusions to which the philosopher comes. His infant forms a new, bloodthirsty, opportunistic, hedonistically oriented scale of values. My baby is partly returning to the traditional values ​​of kindness, love and compassion and happiness (namely, permanent happiness, not transient pleasure), only he already perceives these values ​​consciously, and does not thoughtlessly “throw” on himself, like a camel.

These values ​​cease to serve him as abstract ideas, but become real, applied experience.

So, I gave an example of Nietzsche's reasoning in order to clarify this article. I want you to pay attention to the lion stage. This is the opposite of acceptance - denial, nihilism. Only in my example, the lion's fury is directed not only at values ​​and ideals, but at the world in general (and yourself in particular) along with all its properties.

You have taken some steps in self-development and have seen what you had not paid attention to before: your many problems and the problems of other people. And suddenly realizing these problems can lead to denial!

You must understand that denial, the “lion stage,” is not the last stage of personality development. I do not want you to think that when you began to notice the weaknesses of other people more than before, when you began to pay attention to your shortcomings, when you began to attack your former ideals with the fury of a predator, then you have already reached the limit of development.

The lion stage is inevitable for many people involved in self-development, so there is nothing wrong with it, as long as you do not linger in it or, even worse, do not stay in it forever.

There is a tempting temptation to constantly feed on an illusory sense of one’s own superiority over other people, to blame their values ​​and ideals, to criticize their behavior, although you yourself have moved away from them by a millimeter step and yesterday you were the same as them ...

As awareness develops, reality reveals many new properties to you. And along with these properties, all the injustice and grief with which reality is saturated begins to appear.

There is a danger of being carried away by the denial of this reality, in connection with your new, enriched understanding of it.

Do not go in cycles in this denial! Know that something even better is ahead of you! Defeat the lion in you!

How to defeat a lion?

How to defeat this aggressive predator inside you? How to learn to calmly accept reality as it is?

Get rid of expectations

As I wrote above, the stronger your expectations, the less they correspond to the facts of life, the stronger your rejection of reality becomes.

Expectations or mental attitudes that prevent you from accepting reality as it is, may be the following:

“I have to be better than others in everything”

The fulfillment of this desire is impossible, because there are no ideal people and it is impossible to be better than others in everything. There will always be someone who is better than you at something. And there is nothing wrong with that, it is normal. This is even good, which is why people learn from each other, share experiences, adopt strengths other people.

Both the development of society and personal development are based on the mutual exchange of knowledge and skills.

If you rely only on yourself, believe that you should be the best, then you will suffer, because you will never be able to fulfill this desire. And instead of learning from other people, you will grieve that they are superior to you in some way.

I dwelled on this aspect in more detail in the article why communication is needed.

"Everyone should treat me well"

It is impossible, just as it is impossible to be better than others in everything. No matter how good you are, you are unlikely to win the love and respect of every single person. There will always be people who won't like you. And people who treat you badly are not necessarily bad.

And if someone does not like you, it also does not always mean that you are bad yourself. Each person is a whole individuality. And often the attitude of people towards other people depends on personal attitudes, upbringing, principles, available information, state of mind and many others. internal factors which you can't influence in any way.

The problem of attitude towards you is not always your personal problem! And it depends not only on you, but on the subject who perceives you.

Therefore, it is impossible to please everyone and everyone (more on this in the article). So what's the point in worrying about it?

But a bad attitude towards you is not always only the problem of another person. Sometimes it can show you your weaknesses. And if so, then a bad but fair opinion about you only benefits you, because you can change thanks to it! This is good, therefore, there is no point in worrying about this, again!

"I must always be right"

Every person can make mistakes. And you are no exception. You are not always right, even when you are sure of it. And if you think that the truth is only yours, then such an attitude will prevent you from being flexible, changing your views if they were wrong before, or simply supplementing them.

Each person's experience is limited and therefore opinions based on that experience are often erroneous or incomplete. The exchange of opinions between people should enrich each individual (more details in the article). But this will not happen if you think that your opinion is the only correct one. And you will suffer, because reality will sometimes show you how much you are mistaken. This is normal and should be accepted as a fact and not be frustrated about it.

“I have to prove that I am right to those who disagree with me”

No, they shouldn't. You will never convince some people that you are right, even if you are really close to the truth and are infallible in logic. Therefore, attempts to convince someone of something are often doomed to failure and cause only mutual indignation on both sides of such a dialogue.

Many people will never accept your views and beliefs, no matter how correct they may seem to you. This is a fact of life. So what if the person disagrees with you? Who cares? Even if you suddenly manage to convince him, what will you benefit from this? Often nothing!

“I have to respond to every insult addressed to me”

No, they shouldn't. If your neighbor's dog barks at you, you don't have to bark back at him. The fact that you have been insulted should not create a problem for you. It remains the personal problem of the one who offended you, not yours.

There is an excellent Buddhist parable. Once the Buddha and his disciples passed by a village. People from the village began to insult the Buddha, but he did not react to this. The disciples of the Buddha began to ask the teacher why he did not respond to such vile insults.

The Buddha said, “These people are doing their job. They are angry. They think that I am an enemy of their religion, their moral values. These people insult me, this is natural (My note: If you adapt the last statement to the context of this article, then it can be paraphrased as follows: people are angry at those who trample on their values ​​and ideals. This is natural. This is a fact of life, I accept this fact).

I am a free person and my actions stem from my inner state. Nothing can manipulate me, including other people's insults. I am the master of my own fortune."

In turn, the Buddha asked the disciples, "When we passed by another village, people brought us food, but we were not hungry and gave them back their food, what did they do with it?"

“They must have taken it back from us and distributed it to their children and animals.”

“That is so,” replied the Buddha. “I do not accept your insults, just as I did not once accept food from the inhabitants of another village. I return your resentment back to you. Do with it what you will."

Here, the Buddha's words "do not accept" do not mean "rejection" in the terminology of this article - do not confuse. On the contrary, the Buddha accepts the fact that people can be rude to him. Not accepting insults, he simply does not let them into himself.

"I can always control everything"

No, not all. Life situations can get out of your control, as well as your emotions. Accept it.

“In life, everything should turn out the way I want”

Life exists according to its own laws. And these laws do not always meet your expectations.

"I must always remain joyful"

There are moments of joy and moments of sorrow in life. Man is susceptible different states and one state is replaced by another. It is difficult to always remain cheerful and joyful.

Accept unpleasant emotions when they arise.

This advice may seem strange to those who have been reading my blog for a long time. Because I always said that negative emotions it is necessary to get rid of, and now I advise them to take.

One does not contradict the other and, on the contrary, complements. A person can be at times angry, irritable, prejudiced, envious, no matter how well he knows how to control himself.

Accept this as a fact and don't berate yourself for the fact that at some moments you show weakness, that on some days you are not as collected and focused as on other days.

Everything is constantly changing within a person. One day you can stay focused, be confident, be in a sense of happiness and harmony. The next day, everything will fall out of your hands, you will be frustrated and nervous and, sometimes, you yourself will not know what it is connected with.

Such is the nature of things: nothing is eternal, everything is constantly changing, and we cannot always trace the reasons for these changes. It remains only to accept it as a fact. Today our condition does not meet our expectations: we are tired and irritated. But this is only a temporary mood, like any other. It will be replaced by another state. Therefore, one should not dwell on it, experience rejection. As soon as this feeling appeared, so it will pass.

This is what it means to accept.

"Health and beauty will never run out"

Health is a transient thing, as well as beauty. Accept the fact that these things won't be with you forever. Now you are young, healthy, successful with women, but it will not always be so.

No need to be sad about this, just accept this fact so as not to be disappointed later. People who are too strongly attached to sexual pleasure, the sensual impressions of youth, external brilliance, have great difficulty parting with these things when their time comes.

If these things once formed the basis of their existence, then, having lost these things, these people seem to be deprived of everything. Therefore, I believe that one should not get hung up on these things, but it is also necessary to take care of moral, intellectual, spiritual development.

"There must always be justice in life"

Unfortunately, life is neither fair nor unfair. The concept of justice exists only in the human mind. Justice is not an objective property of nature.

Your young neighbor can live much richer than you just because he has rich and influential parents, although he himself did not lift a finger in order to achieve this position. Everything that you have been striving for all your life through hard work, but have not achieved, your neighbor already has now.

Reality constantly demonstrates to us its inconsistency with human concepts of injustice.

How your life will develop depends very much on you. Much stronger than many of you are used to thinking. But, nevertheless, much depends on chance, on blind arbitrariness, beyond your control.

And instead of thinking about how unlucky you are, with the fact that your life has not turned out the way you wanted, lamenting that you were born in the wrong family, in the wrong country, think about how lucky you are!

After all, things could have turned out much worse. I constantly think about how well my fate turned out, that I was not born in the USSR during the repressions, I don’t starve and I don’t work for 14 hours at a factory somewhere in North Korea I don’t go deaf from shell explosions, sitting in the trenches at the front, I don’t suffer from some deadly disease.

When I hear about such horrors, I immediately begin to think that I myself could easily find myself in such a situation and I am immeasurably lucky that I have food, water, a roof over my head, health and a bunch of other advantages of civilization. I do not put myself in mortal danger every day, which I am very glad about.

I do not want to bring my reasoning to the fact that you need to put up with everything, not to try to make this world a better place. No, I want you to accept this world as it is, with all its injustice and bitterness, and stop denying the things it shows you.

Strive to make this world a better place and people happier! But accept what you can't control!

People are rude, angry and fixated on themselves. It's a fact of life, accept it. Those on whom you depend do not always follow justice and considerations of caring for others. It's a fact of life, accept it.

Life doesn't always meet your expectations. It's a fact of life, accept it.

Acceptance is not identical to some kind of dull humility, when you understand that everything is bad and dejectedly lower your head, constantly being aware of the imperfection of this world.

No, acceptance means the absence of suffering for an empty reason, the absence of denial, which depletes your moral strength, causes anger and intolerance. Acceptance implies peace and freedom.

The freedom of your state from the negative manifestations of the outside world and from the will of other people!

Voltaire said: "We live in the best possible world!"

All we have is the world we live in. And this world is what it is, and no other world is given to us.