With the classic’s statement that “everything happy families happy in the same way, and unhappy - in different ways,” psychologists only partly agree: sooner or later, even the most harmonious couples experience “unhappy” times, but not everyone finds the strength to cope with them. Meanwhile, a crisis in a relationship is not only an inevitable phenomenon, but also a useful one, capable of becoming a stepping stone to a renewed, stronger and happier relationship.

Step 1: Admit the Obvious

Accepting the idea that your relationship is going through a difficult (but natural) period is already an extremely important step. It is at this very first stage that many couples break up: not wanting to admit the existence of a crisis in the relationship, much less overcome it together, yesterday’s lovers slam the door, heatedly throwing mutual accusations, insults and reproaches. According to statistics, this is how... 90% of couples break up as a result of the crisis of the first year of relationships! The remaining 10% will have to cope with the crisis of 3 years, the crisis of the birth of a child, the personal crises of each of the partners (including the notorious midlife crisis), the crisis of 7 years, 15 years, and finally, crises associated with external circumstances (you don’t need to look far for examples - The current financial crisis may well be one such catalyst). It will be a little easier to experience each of these trials if you realize that a crisis in family relationships is a natural stage that can lead them to new level, if you have enough patience, love and desire to stay together.

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Step 2: Set a Goal

In the popular Christmas comedy "The Family Man" (where Nicolas Cage turns from a Wall Street tycoon to the father of a family in a provincial town), the main character's wife, after another quarrel, tells him: “I choose us.” It would seem that the phrase is simple, but in reality making such a decision is much more difficult than slamming the door - for this it is necessary to put the alliance with your loved one at the forefront, despite all the accumulated irritation, unjustified hopes and offensive words thrown in the heat of a quarrel. The intention to maintain an alliance requires considerable effort, patience and time - sometimes it takes months, or even years, to resolve a crisis situation. Breaking up is, of course, easier, but in this case you will not only give up the chance to save the relationship, but you will also most likely encounter similar difficulties in the future: any crisis in a relationship is nothing more than a reflection of our own “growth points”, a signal that that we need to work on ourselves - and on the ability to build relationships as well.

Step 3: Troubleshooting

Keeping a cool head during a crisis is not easy - emotions run high, and grievances accumulate like a snowball. And yet, try to analyze and understand: what is actually happening? At what point did irritation begin to accumulate in your relationship, what did you start missing, what did your loved one lack? What could have been prevented, how can it be corrected? Please note: your main question should not be “Who is to blame?” (everything is usually quite simple here), and “What to do?”, and it’s up to you to do it. It’s good if a professional psychologist comes to your aid - this will allow you to reduce the degree of emotions, ask the right questions and understand what exactly is the cause of the difficulties that have arisen and what you have to work on.

Step 4: Remember that men cope with stress differently

It will be a little easier to get through difficult times if you accept the fact that men cope with the crisis of family relationships completely differently than women. Psychologists explain this by saying that when we are under stress, we activate both hemispheres of the brain, and therefore we are constantly concentrated on what is happening, analyzing every detail, we are constantly haunted by an anxious desire to discuss everything and dot the i’s. Men, unlike us, who try to immediately bring all misunderstandings to the negotiating table, tend to withdraw and limit communication. This often looks like indifference and an attempt to “hide your head in the sand,” which becomes an unnecessary reason for reproaches and disappointments. Don’t rush to conclusions: as a rule, a man in a stressful situation needs just such “withdrawal” with the opportunity to be alone with his own thoughts and emotions. Try not to panic or put pressure, give him time - and soon he will be ready for dialogue.

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Step 5: Learn to talk to each other

It's amazing but true: psychologists say that about 80% of breakups could be avoided if we learned to talk to each other. It turns out that it is incredibly difficult to express your emotions and thoughts and (even more difficult) to hear another person at the same time. Bob Grant, a famous author of books on how to survive a crisis in a relationship, advises starting with the following exercise: every day, a couple needs to allocate 20 minutes to communicate with each other, and a timer is needed for each such conversation. Each participant gets one minute to speak - one minute and not a second more! After a minute has passed, you must stop, even if you did not have time to finish the sentence. It is forbidden to raise your tone, speak too quickly, or ask questions. Your task at this moment is to share your thoughts and experiences without trying to offend your interlocutor. You can talk about anything - about how your day went, about how you feel in at the moment, you can even just be silent for the whole minute. The point is that during these 60 seconds you get your partner's full attention. The listener also needs to follow a number of rules: it is necessary to listen to the interlocutor, looking at him, without any demonstrative reactions (such as grinning or rolling his eyes). Your task is simply to listen, listen very carefully. You can't ask questions either. Then, at the end of the minute, you change roles and continue to take turns talking to each other for 10 - 20 minutes. Grant assures that after just two weeks of this self-guided “therapy,” you will notice a huge difference in your relationships. “We are quite capable of healing our own relationships,” he claims, “we just sometimes don’t know how or are too lazy to do it.”

We often devote our articles to topics such as building relationships, but having built relationships, you need to be able to take care of them and overcome all difficulties. This is exactly what we would like to talk about today. Every relationship reaches critical points, called a relationship crisis. Almost no relationship can survive without a crisis. Even the period of falling in love has its crisis, which we will also talk about. So, what crises happen at the beginning of a relationship, and what crises happen in family life?

Crisis of love relationships

As we just said, they are subject to crisis love relationship even on initial stage. Most often, the first crisis with a guy in a relationship occurs 3 months after the start of the relationship itself. This is the end of the so-called “candy-bouquet” period, when you have already gotten to know each other and are starting to settle down from the initial romance. You become closer and courtship gradually develops into serious relationship, that's when the turning point occurs.

He stops bringing bouquets of flowers on dates and gives fewer gifts. But you must also understand that giving flowers all the time is not practical for men, since by their nature they know how to count money, the same goes for gifts, take care of his wallet, the main thing is how he treats you, and not how many flowers and gifts he gave . In addition, with frequent giving of flowers and gifts, this event will lose all romance and in the end, do you love it or do you only want gifts!? If the latter, then the question of the nature of the crisis is extremely obvious.
Romance will help overcome this crisis. In a relationship, it is necessary to show more tenderness and go together more often, no matter where. This must be done so that you become emotionally close and you have unity. It’s very good if, feeling the approach of a crisis, you take a trip to another city or to the sea, where you can rest and relax. During the trip, it will be just the two of you, which will help you become one.

Crisis of the first year of relationship

The crisis of the year of relationships occurs in couples when they thoroughly get to know each other and get used to each other, they have mutual friends, but a moment occurs when the relationship is approaching a fork in which there are three paths and you need to choose the future of the relationship:
Marry;
Continue dating;
Break up.

During this period, girls begin to have an internal crisis when all their friends got married, but you still haven’t. This situation is especially fueled by your mother, and even more so by your friends, when they pester you with this question and ask when you will finally get married. And from this, 2 variants of events often occur: either you react calmly to this, or “nag” the guy that it’s time, or even worse, give far from subtle and far from hints about this. The guy may be intimidated by your assertiveness, or he may simply suggest breaking up. It's not even that he doesn't want to get married, but how you behave. Analyze your relationship, maybe you will understand the reason why he hesitates to propose to you and try to eliminate it.

The best solution to the problem during the crisis of the first year of a relationship will be living together, in other words. At the same time, you do not get married, but your relationship moves to one level higher - you will begin to live together. Believe me, it's even better than a wedding, since you will test your relationship for strength, because everyday life often becomes the main cause of family conflicts, and subsequently divorces. If you overcome all everyday problems and disagreements, then with peace of mind you can seal your union with marriage.

It happens that in such a situation, girls give their boyfriends an ultimatum: either we get married or we separate. In this case, guys think that if you are not yet married, but future wife is already trying to put pressure on him with ultimatums, then he will most likely choose the option of breaking up. After this, either out of pride: “How can it be, I did everything for him, but he gave up,” or in the realization that she can’t live without him - the girls want the guy back and then the guys set their own conditions. This fact shows that ultimatums and brainwashing cannot solve the problem. If you keep repeating, Svetkin’s boyfriend gave her a ring, Natashka’s boyfriend bought trips to Egypt and they flew off on vacation, and Olkin actually proposed to her... After such topics, feel free to start counting down the time of your relationship. Every self-respecting man is used to being the best, and not being held up as an example to others. Having lost him, such a bad one, you will not sleep at night and will begin to remember all his shortcomings with trepidation, and now it is very difficult to return him.

Crisis in family relationships

Crises in marital relationships have their intervals of one year, 3 years and 7 years. What happens during these periods of time, and how to overcome each of the crises, we will describe further.

Common cause This kind of crisis becomes commonplace. After all, before, to see each other, you went for a walk, visited various establishments, but now that you live together, you no longer need to go anywhere, because you are at home together. From the lack of romance and those tender meetings, monotony begins to “eat up” you.

Try, despite the fact that you are both tired, to take walks. For example, meet together after work and go for a walk. You can go shopping, or just take a walk in the park or sit in a cafe. At home, each of you is busy with his own business and rarely are you alone, without a TV or computer, and just talk about various topics. While walking, be sure to hug each other and kiss, because tactile sensations bring people closer together psychologically.

Don't forget about kisses and romance:
More romance - arrange romantic dinner by candlelight, or take a full bath with foam and a pleasant aroma, plunging into it with glasses of champagne;
Diversify sex - positions, places, techniques, etc.;
Change your environment more often - visit different interesting places, the main thing is “don’t lock yourself in” at home.

Crisis in family relationships after the birth of the child

Very often, a crisis in marriage after 3 years of relationship occurs after the birth of children. No, don’t think, it’s not the children who are to blame, but your fatigue. You are constantly with your child, both at home and on the street, while your dad earns money. In such a situation, you get very tired, because in addition to caring for the child, you need to keep the house in order, wash, clean, cook, and this takes all your energy. When your husband comes home, you have no strength for any tenderness or romance, and you dream of getting to bed as quickly as possible, falling off your feet. Yeah, you're doing everything right, like real wife and a caring mother, but think about your husband and yourself as well. There is nothing wrong if parents come to you and help look after the baby while you do household chores. You can also ask the parents to sit with the child in the evening, while you and your husband take a walk together or go to a restaurant to defuse the situation and relax with each other.

The cause of a family crisis in a marriage may be the work of one of the spouses. Constant clashes with the boss, a heavy workload, a small salary, a difficult schedule - this can cause a quarrel and subsequently result in a crisis. In order to eliminate such a situation, it is necessary to find a compromise so that it does not become a lump, which will continue to lead to quarrels and scandals. Discuss the problem, if possible, maybe change your job or face it, it brings good income to your family.

Relationship crisis 3 years

As we just wrote, the main reason is everyday life. If you live with your parents, no matter whose, and this causes you discomfort (at least one of you), then maybe it makes sense to rent a separate apartment.

For three years, you have already become accustomed to the same lifestyle, but a man wants some changes and something to change in this patterned life. He may begin to see friends often in order to diversify the monotonous daily routine: home - work - home and so on in a circle, thereby returning home late. We understand that this situation is wrong for you and you are offended, but he would rather sit over a glass of beer with friends and unwind than take a mistress.

In such a situation, you also do not become a recluse. Go shopping with your friends, sit over a cup of tea in a cafe and call them on the phone. You also need relaxation and need to take a break from each other with your husband. If you communicate only with your husband all the time, then you will tire of each other and you will be bored together.

We would like to note that the crisis three years the most dangerous, since it is during this period of relationships that the large number divorces, so try to take this issue more seriously in order to save the family.

Relationship crisis 7 years

When the relationship has reached this point, you have already learned how to overcome crises in relationships together, solve all problems and disputes. In general, you need to give credit that you were able to maintain the relationship, because there are very few couples who can boast of such an age of marriage.
The cause of such a crisis is separation from each other. For 7 years, of course, both of you have not remained the same as before. Each of you has your own interests and different views on life. By asking a question about love and asking to answer honestly, each of you will think. The point is not that a lot of time has passed and at this stage there is a revaluation of concepts, but that you thought about it and did not immediately answer “yes”, as it was before, thinking about whether there was some drop of love left or whether it was already No.

The worst thing is that you are together not because you love each other, but because you are already used to it, it is so convenient and, in the end, you have a family that you do not want to destroy. For your own sake, do some analysis and compare your overall interests then and now. Is there anything left in common? He comes home in the evening after work and sits down at the computer or watches TV, then you go to bed, and in the morning he quickly gets ready, has breakfast and goes to work. If you sum up all your communication in a day, it won’t even last an hour. And even then, all conversations come down to resolving family issues. Do you know about your husband's interests?

Therefore, the main thing is that you do not lose each other emotionally. The ways to solve this problem are the same as those listed above. Spend more time together and share everything that interests you. During the working day, try to call or correspond via SMS messages. There is no need to do this actively; if your other half is very busy at work, be unobtrusive. Even a simple question about how you are doing will be pleasant for him, thereby you are even in working hours hold the thread of connection that will unite you.
Many psychologists advise spending more time on family trips, for example to other cities, on a picnic or to the countryside. Also, do not forget to spend time exclusively together, just you and him. For example, take a week's vacation and go together to some resort, leaving the children with your grandmother (don't forget to bring). It’s okay that you didn’t take your child; when he grows up, he won’t take you with him either, and you need to rest and relax.

In this situation, we can recommend getting a dog that will unite all members of your family. Really good decision, try to get a small puppy of some domestic breed of dog, but under no circumstances a fighting dog.
Well, how can we not mention such a sweet component of a strong family life as sex. Firstly, sex should be at least several times a week, while the children are sleeping or are not at home. If you are tired after work, then in the morning you are full of energy and you can spend a little of it on pleasure. Secondly, the lack of sex is the first sign that the husband will have a mistress. Try to be completely different in bed to warm up your relationship.

You shouldn’t do all your travel by car, but sometimes walk, both as a family and as a couple with your husband. It will be very romantic if you hold his arm or, even better, hold hands like at the beginning of your relationship.

That’s basically all about how to survive a crisis in family relationships. As you may have noticed, many ways to solve a crisis are similar in different periods, which means that crises in relationships can give rise to the same reasons. Take this into account and try to limit your relationships from them.
To ensure that your relationship is always strong and fresh, do not isolate yourself, share your problems and joys, tell each other what you like and what you don’t like. If you remain silent and do not solve problems, then all this will turn into a time bomb; accumulated grievances and problems can ultimately explode and serve to break the relationship. In no case is there any need to accumulate everything unsaid - solve all problems at once and say what does not suit you, there is no need to hide all this inside yourself.

When I got married (a little over a year ago), I was most afraid of quarrels. I didn’t want to repeat the fate of my divorced parents or abandoned girlfriends, and I read a lot about family relationships. Now the period has ended when I can say with confidence that what I read was useful to me.

As you know, there are different typical crises that every married couple goes through. We did not escape the crisis of the first year of family life, and now I can tell you how to survive a crisis in a relationship. I’ll make a reservation right away - I’m not a psychologist or a specialist in couples, I’m just a woman who went through this and is ready to talk about her experience.

As I knew even before the wedding, the second half of the year in family relationships is the most difficult. But no matter how prepared I was for this crisis, it still came. I don’t know what it’s connected with for others, but for my husband and I it was something like this: we were terribly tired of each other. We started quarreling over little things, the reasons were really ridiculous:

• lack of personal time;
• lack of personal space;
• lack of attention;
• life in family relationships;

Psychologists say that it's about the end of falling in love. When we are in love (we don’t love, but we experience this feeling of wings behind our backs, lightness and some moral intoxication), we secrete special hormones that dull our feelings.

Psychologists say that this can really be compared to alcohol or drug intoxication. After six months, the level of these hormones begins to fall, and our eyes seem to open.

It was pretty tough for me and my husband. It turned out that both of us were not quite ready for family life as such. That is, we still loved each other, wanted to spend our whole lives with each other, but how can we explain this? Everyone wanted to live their life.

I wanted to take care of work and my appearance, study and travel, and I was not against doing all this with my husband. He, in turn, wanted to lead a quiet family life, to live the way he lived with his parents - chess after dinner, good English TV series, pies on weekends.

As for the wedding, for the first six months after the wedding we both lived some kind of fictitious, ghostly life of newlyweds - we reveled in our new status, furnished the apartment, went out to dinner and dance. In general, they behaved like children pretending to be adults.

And when rose-colored glasses fell out of sight, it turned out that family life cannot exactly repeat the life of each of us. It became clear that we would have to learn to live together - and preferably happily, without giving up our desires and dreams.

How to improve relationships

One of the main misconceptions in family relationships is the belief that the cause of problems lies in the partner. I was terribly dissatisfied with my husband at that time; I was uncomfortable with almost everything - from sex to dinners together. It seemed to me that this person was pulling me down, not allowing me to soar and have fun. I could hardly restrain myself from talking frankly with my husband, and again took up my books.

I needed to find a way out because everything existing solutions problems did not suit me. At the same time, I thought very deeply about plans for my future life. Theoretically, it turned out that my husband was really suitable for me:

• we are people of the same circle, level and income;
• we have the same views on family and marriage;
• we want approximately the same things from life (if we talk about some global things).

Girls, if you have similar problems, be sure to analyze whether you need this person next to you. I understand everything, you may have children, live together, you have spent a lot of time, effort and money on this relationship, but it is better to go through a divorce once than to suffer all your life.

If you constantly quarrel with your husband, be sure to think about what you have in common? What do you have in common? Love is love, but this is at least illogical. There must be the same views, the same beliefs and goals. Only in this case does it make sense to try to save the relationship.

The next step to take is to talk to your husband. In family quarrels, you probably say a lot of unpleasant things, and it is important to convey your true feelings to your spouse.

In my case it was a mixture of irritation and at the same time - great love, warmth and gratitude to him for everything. I was not comfortable in our family relationship, and it was important for me to let him know what exactly scared me.

I arranged the conversation at the dacha, the atmosphere was conducive - a fireplace, delicious food, a little dry wine. Based on the results, I can say - talk about what worries you. For example, I thought that now I couldn’t have personal money, I couldn’t spend anything on my appearance, you can’t meet your girlfriends on Fridays.

My husband believed that we would no longer have romantic dates, that I would no longer organize small holidays for him, and that I would never learn to bake these damn pies.

A good conversation shattered all fears. I promised to learn how to make pies, he told me that he is absolutely not against my meetings with my girlfriends - especially in those moments when he himself leaves to play billiards with friends.

Next steps

You already understand how to overcome a crisis in a relationship, you just need to think carefully and talk carefully. But how to live further so that there are no more crises in family relationships? We decided the following:

• Once a month we go to the dacha and have a heart-to-heart conversation;
• we write notes to a friend with wishes (it’s easier for both of us to write than to say);
• Once every two months we go to a psychologist for preventive measures.

At this stage, it is very important to understand whether you have any serious complaints against each other. We didn't have any, just a bunch of little things and accumulating irritation because of them, so we decided that we could handle it ourselves.

I advised one of my friends in the same situation to go to a psychologist - first alone, and then together with her husband. The fact is that their problems concerned children. A friend wanted children, her husband persuaded her to wait. It seemed to her that he simply did not love her.

As it turned out, her husband did not want children in a rented apartment, and wanted to enjoy life together - that is, have children closer to thirty. Thanks to a psychologist, they were able to figure this out and save their relationship, which was literally on the verge of divorce.

I will give some more advice to those who want to understand how to get out of such a situation.

1. There must be some basis in your family relationships. In my case, this basis was the kinship of souls. You may have something else, but it must be strong and unshakable.
2. Almost any problem can be solved if you just sit down and talk, preferably calmly and without reproach. Most family quarrels occur due to the fact that people simply do not talk about what is really important to them, but instead release steam and their irritation on each other, thereby accumulating resentment inside, like a snowball.
3. If the situation has reached its peak, then you can do the following. We need to agree on probationary period for some period. Moreover, during this period you can decide to save your family, or, on the contrary, get a divorce. The point is that for, say, a month, you will live according to your decision. And you will immediately understand whether it is true or not.

   The only thing you shouldn’t do if you decide to live separately is to have lovers, it will be, at the very least, dishonest.

4. Lies in family relationships almost always come to light. Remember this and try not to lie to your loved one.

I guess that's all I wanted to tell you. We celebrated our wedding anniversary in a big way - the stress of this six-month period took its toll. We go to the country, and have already avoided at least three quarrels, simply turning our souls inside out in front of each other. I hope my experience will help you.

Long years of marriage are a test that not everyone can handle. Living under the same roof and raising common children is not enough.

Marriage is not based on commitment, but on love, passion and mutual respect. How much of this is present in your relationship?

Many couples don't think about the long-term prospects of their crush or crush. Flirting develops into romance, which in turn ties the two lovers into marriage.

Although it seems to both that everything is going according to plan, and the wedding is a logical continuation of their love story, in reality everything turns out to be wrong.

Routine, everyday problems and the disappeared bouquet and candy period quickly make you feel sad. For some, a difficult stage occurs after 3 years of a relationship, for others after 5 years.

But it happens that a supposedly established connection begins to slowly collapse after just 1 year. Therefore, you should not wait for a turning point - you need to act now.

What should I do?

We all want to believe in the magic of love, but relationship psychology experts have long figured out the laws behind the appearance of butterflies in the stomach.

Of course, in relationships, most couples make do with intuition and “gut feeling,” but if these are not enough, a few good advice will help get your relationship back on track.

Let's look at the main love problems that can threaten your marriage both 10 years and 1 year after marriage.

1. “He stopped understanding me!”

Before marriage, you seemed to read each other's thoughts, but now you can quarrel all evening over the color of the ceiling in the living room?

Most likely, you unanimously chose a restaurant for dinner, a new country to travel to, or enthusiastically discussed your favorite TV series or football team.

But all this, even taken together, cannot be compared with the questions that you encountered in your family life. Will you live in a house or an apartment?

How many children will you have? Will the husband support the whole family? Where will your children study? And a thousand others serious issues which can cause a crisis in relationships.

Disagreements breed more disagreements. There is nothing strange in the fact that after a conflict over the color of the ceiling, the husband will disagree on less significant issues.

If you do nothing, resentments will accumulate and your marriage will seriously crack.

1.2 Path to understanding

Let's start with the fact that you need to work on mutual understanding even before the wedding. By marriage, you confirm your intentions to face “difficult” issues, so it is worth discussing them in advance, so as not to have to deal with the bitterness of divorce later.

And if you are already late with conversations before the wedding, catch up on them now. Set aside time to discuss plans together.

Ask your other half how he/she sees his/her life next to you, your children, your home and everyday life. Also share your vision and compare the responses you receive.

You can turn conversations into games, further increasing the effectiveness of your communication. Sit opposite each other and write on a piece of paper how you see your life in, for example, 7 years.

If it is difficult, take a smaller number - at least 1 year. But in general, the crises of family life are not calculated over the years - you may encounter a key problem within six months of the relationship.

Discuss what you have written, especially controversial and inconsistent points. It may turn out that you want to live in country house, and your loved one dreams of an apartment in the center of the metropolis.

Try to come to a compromise now, because in a few years these differences in views will lead you to loud quarrels, tears, or even divorce.

2. “He stopped wanting me!”

One of the most notorious problems long relationship. Desire can disappear in both men and women.

There are times when both spouses stop wanting sex. But is this normal? Let's figure it out.

Most couples come to terms with the fact that sex has disappeared from their lives. Some people think that this is normal and everyone comes to this over time.

Some refer to age and burden of problems. You should not adhere to any of the mentioned strategies, because the presence of sex in your life depends only on you and your partner.

2.1 Bringing sex back into relationships

First, let's look at the most unpleasant reason disappeared passion - health problems. You might not have realized it, but men usually try not to talk about these types of issues.

Just the thought of visiting a doctor makes them terrified, so treatment is either absent or extremely ineffective.

Talk seriously with your husband, try to get the most sincere answers. If in the end it turns out that there are no problems, your suspicions will push the man to talk about the lack of sex and solve this problem.

Thus, you can come to the most popular reason for the disappearance of passion - monotony and the transformation of sex into a duty, a routine.

If you don't understand what we're talking about, try having sex every day for a week at the same time, in the same place, in the same position.

Difficult? But for some couples this is not an experiment, but reality.

Have you ever thought about the purpose of sex shops, haven’t tried any positions other than missionary, and best place Do you think the bed in your bedroom is for sex? Most likely, this led to the disappearance of passion in your relationship.

Why do men go to their mistresses in search of sex? Because they need variety, new sensations and emotions. Give your man all this and he will never go to bed with another.

Diversify your intimate life, add new positions, introduce the rule of trying something unusual in bed every week.

Visit a sex shop first and buy something that you have previously only seen in adult films. Try not to allow a relationship crisis into your life.

Travel more and make love in hotels, on the beach, in a tent - anywhere, but not in your already boring bedroom - this is the level you have passed.

If you don’t have the time or money to travel, have sex in the kitchen, in the bathroom, or have a date in your city, spending the night in a hotel. Any of these, or maybe all of them together, will definitely bring passion back into your relationship.

3. “We have nothing to talk about!”

What did you talk about before with your other half? If all the topics that you could chat about for hours have exhausted themselves, and you cannot find new ones, your relationship is at a dead end. It seems to you that next to you is not your own blood, but a stranger.

Such a problem could not arise if you were united. The absence of common topics for conversation means the absence of common interests, events, goals.

Your lives are not intertwined into one, you continue to follow two paths, which contradicts the idea of ​​love and marriage.

3.1 Looking for something to talk about

The essence of solving a problem lies not in finding topics for conversation, but in creating them. Let's imagine a typical family with communication problems, but don't worry if it turns out to be too similar to you.

So, there is a husband who works all the time and relaxes with friends in the evening. We also have a wife who does household chores and only communicates with her friends. Indeed, such a couple is difficult to find general theme for conversation. What can you advise them?

1) Spend more time together

A husband and wife communicate with their friends because they have something to talk about. This is the psychology of communication. Try going to the cinema not with your friend, but with your husband. Go fishing not with your neighbor, but with your wife.

It's okay if for some time you stop being spouses and remain good friends. Go to a new place and see how new sensations you will experience.

Your task is not to sit in a restaurant and think about what to talk about. You need to gain new knowledge together, new experience and new emotions.

A short trip, going to the cinema or to a master class are also great. Some topics for communication will be relevant only for a week, some for 2 years - the choice is yours.

2) Discuss issues that concern your loved one

Just don’t confuse this with complaints about your difficult fate. The point is to show interest in your partner, and not to impose your problems. Ask about how his day went, what was interesting, unpleasant, new.

Share your emotions with each other, even the most intimate ones, comment on them - that’s why you are husband and wife. This way you will learn to trust each other, and after this, interest will return. A crisis in a marriage creeps up unnoticed, but it will not be able to get close to you.

4. “Our life has been consumed by everyday life!”

Previously, you talked about art, talked about love and travel, but now only about work, washing windows and upcoming renovations?

No marriage can do without a solution everyday problems, but sometimes they turn into a real curse. Fortunately, you can protect yourself from such negativity.

4.1 Bringing back interest in life

Very often married couples exaggerate the impact of everyday problems on their relationships. It's all due to the inability to plan your time, lack of a daily schedule, general plans for the week, month, year.

Are you familiar with the situation when cleaning, cooking and washing take up almost the whole day? But these processes could take up only 1/3 of your total time with reasonable planning of your daily routine.

Keep track of time and know how to manage it. Housewives, for example, can be given practical advice. Set your alarm and give yourself exactly one hour to cook.

Then give yourself 15 minutes to rest, after which you can start cleaning. Set aside 2 hours for it, after which take a break again.

Be sure to have time in your schedule for yourself and your loved one. If a man has too many responsibilities, take some on yourself.

Live according to a general schedule and always have the opportunity to escape on a date or take a real weekend trip.

5. “The children took up all our time!”

It is difficult to prefer something else when you can give yourself to children. Women often sin with this, putting their child first, forgetting about the needs of their spouse. At first it seems noble, but then it turns out to be real stupidity.

It is very difficult for mothers to get used to the idea that their child, who until recently was a defenseless baby, has grown up and is able to be in the hands of a grandmother, grandfather or a hired nanny. Children are our treasure, but there is no need to sacrifice yourself when there is no need for it.

5.1 Stop thinking that children = a burden

“Burdened” mothers look with envy at their friends who go on dates, go to the seaside and travel abroad with their husbands.

You may not believe it, but all this is available for women with children - you just need to change your outlook on life.

Broaden your horizons, social networks are now filled with stories of young mothers who calmly change country after country with a child in their arms, travel to the most distant islands and, despite all the hardships, remain amazing mothers for their children.

If traveling with a child is not for you, it’s time to accustom him to the arms of a grandparent, aunt, uncle or nanny. You are not the only one in this world who can cope with a child. The baby needs your attention and care, but not 24/7.

Start small - leave your son or daughter with someone for 1 hour. Take this time for yourself - play sports, go to a beauty salon, meet with friends. You won’t notice how 1 hour turns into 3, 4 hours, or even a whole day.

Having weaned himself from your overprotection, the child will not only be more responsive to other people, but will also become more independent.

And as a pleasant bonus, you will again have time for romantic dates and passionate nights. Leave the child with grandma, it's worth it.

Currently, relationship psychology very often pays attention to periodic crises in the lives of couples in love. For each of them, despite outward well-being, something may not go well or even fall apart. One of the partners suddenly begins to notice the shortcomings of the other: scattered things, slowness while getting ready for a walk, loud steps, etc. Everything that previously seemed funny suddenly became unbearable. You call your friends, complaining about your own irritability and talking about the familiarity of relationships. And every day, reluctantly returning home, you ask yourself: “What to do next?”

If you find yourself in such a situation, then you should not torment yourself, your significant other and your friends with your own irritability. You need to understand that a crisis in a relationship occurs in all couples without exception. Even those who have been together for more than a quarter of a century face this. Hence, naturally, contradictions arise, ranging from a revaluation of values ​​and ending with a radically new look at the structure of everyday life.

It is not easy for many to experience their own crisis, but if we are talking about two people in this state, then it will take a lot of time, patience, love and mutual respect to maintain the relationship.

Symptoms of the crisis

We list the most common symptoms, the appearance of which indicates the onset of a crisis:

• Partners lose the desire to like each other.
• Raising children becomes a topic that provokes mutual reproaches and quarrels.
• For spouses different opinions about most of the issues that matter most to them.
• One or both partners avoid intimacy.
• The spouses stop communicating, and everyone spends time on their own.
• Almost all words and actions of a partner cause irritation.
• One of the couple begins to believe that he is constantly forced to give in to the opinions and desires of his other half.
• One of the spouses stops participating in family life and solving everyday problems. As a rule, this is the husband. He behaves rather distantly and often stays late at work.
• Following from the previous point, the wife plunges headlong into solving family problems. She, like a draft horse, drags her husband, children and the whole household.
• Spouses do not understand (or poorly understand) each other’s feelings.
• There is no desire to share your own joys and problems with your partner.

Relationship crises by year

In the life of any couple, there are several turning points. Let's take a closer look at them.

Year 1 crisis

Typically starts after 6 months of relationship. This period is especially difficult for couples who live together and are trying to establish a family life.

Peculiarities of manifestation: “everyday life” prevails over romance, and the “rose-colored glasses” of future spouses fall off. Lovers begin to notice each other's habits and behavior patterns that they were not even aware of before. For example, it turns out that a woman takes a bath for 2 hours and does not know how to cook, and a man does not clean up his things and grinds his teeth in his sleep.

Partners should learn to calmly discuss troubling issues and contradictions so that certain norms and rules can be developed in the relationship that suit both. If this does not happen, the lovers will separate. According to statistics family psychologists About 90% of couples break up in the first year.

Therefore, if you really have strong feelings for your significant other, then try to survive the crisis in the relationship. 1 year is the time when partners should listen to each other and seek compromises. Let's move on.

Crisis 3 years

Some psychologists distinguish another period between this and the previous periods. This is a relationship crisis for 2 years. We will not talk about it separately, since it is very similar to turning point 3 years old. The crisis of 2 years may not come. Everything will depend on when the children arrive. After all, the birth of a child is a serious stress for new parents, as they have to radically change their usual lifestyle.

The same can be said about the crisis of 5 years of relations. 3 summer period- this is just a guideline. No one knows when a couple will begin a crisis, which is why experts have set a conditional framework in the range from 2 to 5 years. During this time period, partners may experience a second (after 1 year) critical stage. Now let's move on to discussing the period included in the subtitle.

Features of manifestation: during their life together, the couple’s relationship rises to a new level. The lovers learn all the shortcomings and advantages of each other, and the “grinding in” ends. Some have children.

The period of waiting for the first child is the most prosperous. The husband takes care of his wife, protecting her from negative situations, helping with the housework, and trying not to upset her again. But all this can be characterized as the calm before the “storm”.

A crisis in a relationship occurs when the child is already born. The wife switches her attention to the baby and practically does not pay him to her husband. Due to sleepless nights, irritation and fatigue accumulate. Besides, sexual attraction reduced in the postpartum period. These factors often lead to alienation. Everything seems to be fine, the baby is carried to term and was born healthy. A woman with a child in her arms needs more support, but right now a man has a desire to go “left” to young girls and forget about family problems, at least for a short period.

You should show respect and flexibility to your partner's opinion in order to survive the critical time - 3 years. A relationship crisis can also arise due to disputes over raising a child. In this matter, the couple should also develop a common line of behavior.

Crisis 7 years

This is one of the most unstable and “mysterious” periods in a couple’s life. Its conditional boundaries are from 7 to 9 years of marriage.

Features of manifestation: the mystery lies in the fact that all areas of the psyche and human life overlap each other. One of the spouses may be experiencing a midlife crisis. If there are children, the couple will experience all manifestations of them age characteristics(or 3 or 7 years old). During these periods, offspring can become the most disobedient and unpredictable fidgets in the world, capable of unbalancing even the most emotionally stable parents.

In addition, significant changes can occur at work: career advancement, business development. All this imposes additional responsibilities on spouses and increases their responsibility.

Also, partners compare their past dreams with reality, and for most they do not coincide with reality, leading to disappointment. The spouses begin to feel that life has become monotonous.

If your couple has experienced a crisis of 7 years of relationship, then the best way out of it will be to introduce new joint activities and hobbies into life. Be patient. To survive this turning point, you will need it more than ever.

Crisis 15 years

The boundaries of this period are quite wide and vary around 5 years (from 15 to 20 years of marriage). “Teenage crisis in relationships” - this is the name family psychologists gave it.

Features of manifestation: spouses look back at their lives and count the ups and downs, comparing their own achievements with the successes of acquaintances and friends. Usually both partners are at the stage of an age crisis and are engaged in a reassessment of values ​​(intrafamily and their own). They often ask the question: “Did I do the right thing by connecting my life with this person?” By the way, the children have already grown up and become independent. If they want to lead an independent lifestyle, the partners will again have to learn to live together. If, during a reassessment of values, each of the spouses understands that they have lived these years with a person who sincerely gives their feelings, then the crisis in the relationship will quickly end, the union will become stronger, and the feelings will become even brighter and stronger. If the partners’ ideas do not coincide with reality, then a “war” may break out with an unpredictable outcome.

Crisis 25 years

The silver wedding is just around the corner, all friends and acquaintances are looking at the happy couple with envy, but for some reason there is discord in the family.

Peculiarities of manifestation: women begin menopause during this period, and men try to look younger, watch their figure and make dirty jokes towards young girls (although they didn’t allow themselves to do this before). They can be understood: the career is made, the children have grown up, material wealth is ensured... What else should we strive for? Men, unlike women, have a harder time recognizing their weaknesses. It is difficult for them to admit their own lack of demand. Against, strong half will actively prove to others that the “gunpowder in the flask” has not yet run out.

What about your wife? Does she have much-needed moral support at this time? In most cases no! By the time of the silver wedding, 90% of women become grumpy old women. This is partly due to the fact that after so many years of marriage, the partner is simply tired, and the list of his sins over the years has become too long.

How to survive this stage? Spouses should remember their youth and arrange a honeymoon. You can go on a trip that you have long dreamed of, or take up some new sport.

So, we looked at the crisis of family relationships by year. Know that at any turning point there are two stages: beginning and completion. Having mastered this, you can easily cope with any difficulties. Moreover, a crisis is an objective thing. It occurs in the life of any couple, regardless of whether the spouses are good or bad.

Describing crises in relationships, the periods of which vary greatly, we have already given some tips on how to cope with them. Now we will dwell on this topic in more detail and provide several universal recommendations for overcoming turning points.

How to survive a crisis in a relationship?

1. Surprises

During this difficult period, think about how pleasant surprises can decorate your life. For example, after work you go home to bad mood, expecting a scandal, you open the door, and in the hallway there is a bunch of balloons and the inscription “Welcome”. Such non-standard actions will bring the sea positive emotions and strengthen the belief that everything will change for the better.

2. Joint effort

The couple needs to prepare mentally to deal with the crisis. Both partners must want this. After all conflict situation- this is a consequence of misunderstanding between spouses. Even if one person tries to improve family relationships, it will not be successful. To fix everything, we need joint efforts.

3. Self-esteem

When a crisis occurs, relationship psychology teaches not to look for negativity in a partner, but to pay attention to own behavior. Both are to blame for what happened! Therefore, stop telling your significant other: “It’s your fault!”, “You’re good,” “Look at yourself,” etc. Find out what exactly has changed in your life experience, work on your self-esteem, and also try to give to a loved one self-confidence.

4. Sex

Whatever happens to your relationship, don't let it negatively impact your love life. On the contrary, the quality of sex should increase! No headaches, tediousness, habits or fatigue! Add variety to sex, find out your spouse’s secret desires and preferences, experiment!

Good sex helps strengthen relationships and allows you to look at your other half from an intimate perspective, which makes you closer. It also helps in solving most problems: excessive grumpiness, unwashed dishes, an empty refrigerator, dissatisfaction with untidy socks, distance from each other and many others.

5. Memories

Shared memories play huge role in such areas as family and family relationships. That’s why psychologists advise returning to them in crisis situations. Your acquaintance, a date, your first kiss, sex, your favorite music... But the greatest benefit will come not from simple memories, but from visiting memorable places together.

6. Gratitude

Thank your partner every day for everything they do. Even for the most mere trifle. For example: “Darling, thank you for driving me to work! You are so caring! Or: “Darling, thank you for the hemmed trousers! It would be difficult for me without you!” By the way, you need to thank your loved one not only in crisis situations. Make it a habit.

7. Confidential communication

Don't hush up problems that have arisen. Often, having been offended by a loved one, we experience everything within ourselves. This is due to a false stereotype, according to which a man and a woman are not blessed by quarrels and scandals. But there is no need to express your resentment by shouting loudly and smashing everything around. Just calmly explain to your spouse exactly how he offended you. A very common situation is when one partner does not even realize the reasons for the second’s offense and does not understand the motives for his behavior. This is where myths about nasty husbands or capricious and bitchy wives appear. In general, a frank conversation will help clarify all the unpleasant moments and in the future will allow you to be more attentive to your partner’s feelings.

8. Common cause

One of the best reasons for building relationships. Even if you don’t really want to take on it, it still unites. For example, buy a camera and master it together, enroll in a dance school, etc.

9. Positivity

A crisis in a relationship is a negative, painful and difficult phenomenon. Don't get too hung up on it. Think positively even in difficult situations. Also change the wording of your phrases. Instead of: “I hardly see you,” say: “Let’s spend more time together.” Do not delve into the shortcomings of your loved one, but concentrate on his strengths.

10. Freedom

Sometimes life together becomes boring for spouses and they get tired of each other. This is especially acute at critical moments. If you experience a severe lack of internal or external freedom, move away from your partner for a while. Visit your parents, meet friends, go to a seminar. Do this until you start to get really bored.

Conclusion

The crisis of family relationships over the years can be compared to the passage of a new round in the spiral of life together. Some ignore it, turning a chronic conflict into an acute one, while others allow the family to change and develop, polishing relationships. After all, when each such milestone is passed, affection and love are transformed and reach greater heights. high level. So, at 1 year of love “eros” transforms into strong feeling"agate". From 2 to 5 years, the fruit of love may appear - a child. By the 7th year, the relationship between partners becomes familiar, comfortable and freer. By the 15th year, the feelings of the spouses will undergo serious tests and become significantly stronger, and by the 25th year they will turn into tender and deep affection. Already, as a rule, forever!