Five tips on how to learn to solve problems. How to find an effective solution
As soon as a child begins to understand himself and the surrounding reality, he also understands that everything in the world is not so simple. It’s not always possible to get to eat what and when you want; if you fall, your knee hurts, and mom and dad can scold you for wrongdoing. These are all problems that become more and more serious with age. Agree, what you were worried about in adolescence, seems frivolous by the age of twenty, and you would gladly exchange with your twenty-year-old self at forty.
Over time, however, it seems that you can cope with any situation. It turns out that there is any problem that can be solved? Yes, but sometimes, when faced with a difficult situation, it is not easy to find a way out. In this post we will tell you how to effectively cope with difficult life circumstances, so that you can later proudly say: “This problem has been solved!”
What is the problem?
Any situation that makes us feel uncomfortable is called a problem. Not all problems are created equal. If you break a nail or tear your tights before an important business meeting, this is one kind of trouble, which is quite easy to deal with. If life deprives a person of work or shelter over his head, this is a difficulty of a completely different nature. The problem to be solved is any, but to avoid confusion, it is customary to divide problems by type.
Types of problems
Problems can be shared into objective and subjective. Objective circumstances are those life circumstances that seriously interfere with an individual’s life. For example, a person loses loved ones, a source of income, or gets sick.
Subjective problems- these are situations that may not be visible or understandable to others, but for the life of an individual they pose a threat no less than objective ones. For example, these are quarrels with loved ones or relatives, misunderstandings with colleagues, phobias, complexes. Very often, subjective problems are associated with some personal fears. In some ways, subjective problems are more dangerous for a person than objective ones. After all, you can cheat yourself without having any real reason for it.
Another classification of problems: external and internal.
External problems are those that a person connects with the outside world. “Dogs often bite me,” “My boss doesn’t like me, he always yells at me and burdens me with tasks,” “I have problems communicating with the opposite sex.” These are real problems coming to a person from the outside world.
Internal are associated with emotional experiences. “I’m afraid to talk to girls,” “I’m afraid of dogs,” “I can’t stand being alone with my boss, I feel uncomfortable with him.” This type of problem is more subjective; it is based on feelings, intuition, and perception of the world.
Step one - take it easy
No man is dealt with more than he can bear. Remember the darkest days of your life, when it seemed that you simply would not survive this. And what? Time has passed, and you remember the situation, if not with a smile, then in any case you simply survived the problem and continue to live. Based on the knowledge that you can survive anything and even feel quite happy in the future, take it for granted that you should not immediately treat the problem as the end of the world.
A solvable problem is one that you initially treat simply, not one that is easy to solve. Don’t stress yourself out, don’t cry over what has already happened. Accept what happened, mentally move to the future, where everything is already good, and then the situation will not seem catastrophic to you.
Don't keep it to yourself
Probably, hardly anyone is delighted with the fact that it is used as a vest. But that’s why you need close and dear people, right? If you have a problem, then there is no shame in going up to a friend or family member and saying: “Help me solve the problem!” This is exactly the case when two heads figure out what to do faster than one. difficult situation. In addition, by telling a third party about your problem, you organize the situation for yourself and look at it more soberly.
Don't bring work home and personal life to work
If you want to be a successful person, organize your life competently, it makes sense to differentiate between work and family life. So, if you have quarrels in your family, are approaching a breakup with a loved one, or find out about betrayal, it is very difficult to remain calm and balanced at work. Meanwhile, you will have to if you do not want to gain fame as a hysterical person.
The reverse is also true. Conflicts with colleagues, problems in relationships with your boss, or work not going well? This is all very unpleasant, but taking out your anger and fear on your loved ones is wrong. Remember that the problem is worth sharing - calmly explain the situation to your dear people. Perhaps, from the outside, your circumstance will not seem difficult or insoluble, and you will not only ease the burden, but also receive good advice. Remember that the problem to be solved is any problem, no matter what it is connected with, but it can only be resolved if you try to do it.
Not all at once
Some people manage to organize their lives very easily, and it seems that problems for such people do not arise at all, and if they do arise, they somehow quickly disappear. In fact, it is a mistaken belief that others are doing well and only I am unlucky. Difficulties arise for everyone, and sometimes they come one after another. But there is one caveat. If you have bad luck (and it happens, there is no escape from it), do not try to resolve all the circumstances at once, in one fell swoop.
People, problem solvers easily and quickly, do it gradually. It is impossible to cope with an array of complexities at once, just as it is impossible to complete several diverse tasks at the same time. The result of trying to cover everything at once is that you don't have a single problem. Decide for yourself what is more serious and urgent and what can wait, and act in a planned order.
Don't let stress get the better of you
Problems cannot leave even the most self-possessed person indifferent, and as a result you may face stress. As a result, sleep and appetite disturbances, apathy, reluctance to do anything at all, loss of interest in life. Stress is a serious nervous disorder that affects not only the psycho-emotional state, but also the physiology of the body. This is fraught with illness and the feeling that you are already ill at the level of the body.
To prevent stress from taking over you, unwind. It's very difficult to relax when you have a problem or even several, but if you don't relax, you can get seriously ill. It is best to spend time in the company of close people with whom you should not talk about your difficulties. On the contrary, take a break and imagine that nothing is burdening your life. If you feel uncomfortable in company, you can go to a concert or exhibition, attend a film premiere, rent a hotel room and spend time in a new comfortable place.
What's next
This too will pass
If you still can't get the problem out of your head, then remember King Solomon's ring. Imagine how many difficult and confusing situations a king can have! Meanwhile, he was known among the people as a wise and balanced ruler. Perhaps his ring helped him look at life correctly. There was an engraving on the inside of it "This too shall pass". This is what happens in life - a philosophical view of the frailty and fragility of everything that exists solves many problems.
Light and black stripes are already a real pattern of our existence. But it happens that unexpectedly a difficult and long dark stage appears, and each new day feels even worse than the previous one. Difficulties “fall” on us literally from everywhere, and we do not have time to find rational solutions for them. How to solve relationship problems, family problems, problems at work and in yourself? In other words, such moments come that you understand that effective psychotherapy is needed, because we only learning to solve problems.
If you now think that the situation is overly complicated and your condition is unstable or frankly unimportant, consultation with a psychologist is necessary. And in general, the time has come to stop feeling sorry for yourself and begin effective actions that will help restore the lost idyll of mental life. After all !
How can this be done?
Rule 1: Seek support from friends and family.
Never try to solve everything alone; together, find the right solution faster and easier. In addition, the very awareness of outside help will give you energy and put you in a constructive mood. If you have stopped navigating own life because of difficulties, say “stop” and seek support from your friends or from. Psychologist is person who solves problems, this is his job. Maybe it's time to stop self-medicating and trust a professional?
Law 2: Calm down.
Remember: the more upset and fussed you are, the more difficult it is, as a rule, to find the right solution. Moreover, negative feelings tend to attract only negative thoughts. Try to abstract yourself from problems, leave them unresolved for a short time, just cool down. Don't forget: .
Rule 3: Don't bring difficulties at work into your family life.
Ideally, your everyday work-related difficulties should not affect your personal life. Adopt such a law, when leaving work, “switch” to something else, we learning to solve problems work-related in the workplace!
Rule 4: Don't try to solve all problems at once.
A common mistake made by some is the desire to waste all their energy on solving all problems at the same time. As a rule, as a result, a person cannot really solve a single problem properly. Teach yourself to prioritize here too. Deal with the most important and urgent problems first, and only then move on to less important and secondary ones.
Law 5: Learn to deal with stress.
The main thing that gives rise to most problematic situations is stress, which, as we know, has a detrimental effect on our health and mood. And since we only get negative impact from “bad stress”, it is important to learn how to cope with it - this is a key skill in solving problems. The things that remove stress from our lives are the things that bring us pleasure and many positive experiences. This, for example, is reading an exciting book, picnics in nature with a fun company, traveling, playing chess, etc. If in lately life circumstances have become very stressful, which means it makes sense to devote more time to restoring one’s own strength, otherwise how can one find the right decision your difficulties?
Rule 6: Look at difficulties from a different perspective.
When you calm down and stop being nervous, return again to the problems that bother you and try to evaluate and analyze them rationally, without unnecessary worries. You are just learning to solve problems (like every person on Earth), but it is very possible that now they will no longer seem completely unbearable to you. Often life’s difficulties seem unbearable to us precisely because there are too many of them and they all require immediate action; this unsettles a person into a state of stress in which it is difficult to act.
Set aside difficulties as something short-lived that will certainly be overcome. And finally, sign up for a consultation with a psychologist.
Who is he - a problem solver?
This is a psychologist or psychotherapist, a professional whose job is to help other people solve problems and difficulties. This is not only his bread, but also a significant part of the meaning of his life, if, of course, this psychologist loves his work. And don’t think that a psychologist at work is only engaged in “pleasant chatting” and “drinking tea.” In fact good job psychologist is recognized as one of the most difficult professional areas in which the specialist has to:
A) be constantly attentive and focused on the client’s situation and speech;
b) act as a psychodiagnostician, analyst and strategist at the same time;
V) overcome significant obstacles from your own unconscious, which strives to throw up a couple of good memories of “how I had something similar in my life...”.
Therefore, non-professionals do not stay long in psychological counseling - it is too difficult. It is more difficult than it seems to the unenlightened at first glance.
What makes a problem unsolvable?
Unsolvable problem looks like when a person 1) does not know how to solve it 2) knows, but cannot.
Let's deal with the first point first.
A person does not know how to solve a problem, does not see a solution.
This is the most difficult, nervous and unpleasant state. When you already know, but can’t, it’s easier, it’s clear what to do, the task is to gather your strength. And not knowing how, a person rushes about and looks for someone who could help him see these paths. He goes to friends, looks for an answer on the Internet, and makes an appointment with a psychologist.
I have already given a universal recipe on how to discover ways to solve any problem. To do this, when considering this problem, it is enough to change the external locus to the internal one.
The explanation for this miracle is simple. A person does not know “how” when the description of the problem is beyond the boundaries of his influence. Once you place the problem within your own boundaries, a solution will appear.
Look again at examples of how the locus changes and problems are reformulated.
Problem: “the woman I love doesn’t love me.”
This problem is unsolvable because its solution is beyond the limits of human influence, we are talking about what another person does or does not do, in in this case– doesn’t like.
How can we reformulate this problem by changing the locus?
There are several options. “I worry because a woman doesn’t love me” - and then the problem is worry. You can work with feelings, you can work with suffering self-esteem, bitterness and fear of the collapse of relationships. “It seems to me that they don’t love me” - and then the problem is to figure out whether they love me. Although in the latter case it is important to understand why you need to understand? What will he do with this knowledge? Will he leave and try to restore balance? If it’s the first, it makes sense to find out, but if it’s the second, you can work on balance without this knowledge.
There is a more or less general formulation for such problems, which requires an understanding of the concept of imbalance: “I am at a disadvantage in this relationship” - and then the problem is its own disadvantage, you can work with it. This work is about reducing your dependence on a person and forming your persona in his field, more significant than it is now. The second is the opportunity to even go beyond the boundaries a little while remaining in the internal locus (from the point of view of psychology this is “magic”, but it has scientific explanation, that is, it does not concern anything supernatural).
The internal locus is a spacesuit that allows you to go into any airless space and visit alien planets. Within the limits of one’s own planet (its own borders) the locus is already internal, the spacesuit is replaced by the atmosphere.
Let's look at another problem: loss of a job (any loss of anything or anyone, even a wife)
In the internal locus, this problem will look like “worries about loss” and (or) “search for a replacement.” You can work with both problems, and even both at once. There's just nothing you can do about losing your job. The job has already been lost, this is beyond human influence. But a person can do something with his experiences: he must find ways to switch, compensate, console, cope with the trauma inflicted on him (raise self-esteem, restore his integrity, renew his defenses, and so on)
By the way, about injury. Having a problem with trauma, it is very important to again stay in the internal locus. The injury has already been caused (or so it seems, it doesn’t matter), you can’t go back, the task is to remove everything negative consequences, recover. (Or you need to formulate the problem not as “my injury”, but differently, for example, “the fight for the rights of other injured people”). In healing trauma, "revenge" or "forgiveness" is different ways restoring internal integrity, it is important to find the method that will be most effective, but do not forget about the future. Some believe that without revenge, integrity cannot be restored, but this is not always the case. Some are sure that if you try to take revenge, you will always lose more. This is not always the case either. It is important to consider your situation and carefully understand why you want revenge, what exactly it will restore or not restore, very often this gives only the illusion of restoring “justice” and “self-respect,” but sometimes not only an illusion, and then the only question is finding adequate ways.
But this is a separate topic, and if everyone is very interested in it, I will tell you in more detail later.
The locus always needs to be shifted, even when it seems impossible to shift it inward. There is always at least part of the problem that can be shifted within one's own boundaries. Everything that is beyond the borders is unsolvable, inaccessible, and does not deserve long-term attention, since nothing can be done.
Of course, knowing the solution is still very little to solve the problem. There must still be strength. That’s why I wrote at the beginning of the post that the problem is unsolvable when a person does not know how, or knows, but cannot. To find means to solve a problem that is located in the internal locus, that is, within one’s own influence, it is important to understand what is blocking the forces. As a rule, this is either 1) frustration (apathy), or 2) fear, aka uncertainty.
I will tell you how to overcome or cheat frustration and how to cope with fear and self-doubt to solve a problem.
In the meantime, there are problems for you on the topic “changing an external locus to an internal one.”
Reframe the following problems so that the locus changes from external to internal. There may be not one wording, but several.
1. “My colleague is annoying me with stupid conversations at work.”
2. “Mother constantly interferes with unnecessary advice”
3. “The child does not want to do his homework”
4. “My husband is offended because sex is too infrequent and boring”
5. “Nothing interesting happens in life.”
6. “My wife is constantly nagging about money.”
7. “The boss is a fool”
Descartes square
The ideal method for solving any problems that scare you. The fact is that we too often become fixated on a single question: “What will happen if this happens?” This makes it difficult to find a solution because you only look at the problem from one side. Descartes square is the simplest technique that allows you to find a solution in a matter of minutes. So, draw a square on a piece of paper. Divide it with a cross into four parts. Write a question in each part.
What will happen if this happens?
What happens if this does NOT happen?
What will NOT happen if this happens?
What will NOT happen if this does NOT happen?
Answer all four questions, and the solution to your problems will come on its own. Simply because you will look at the situation from four sides.
Automatic letter
A method that will require your time and patience, but the results may stun you. The essence of the method is very simple: you just need to take a pen, paper (lots of paper!) and start writing. There is no need to formulate questions in advance to which you need to find answers. The essence of automatic writing is to turn off your conscious mind and allow your subconscious to come out. So, you need to be alone in a calm environment. Take a pen and paper and start writing whatever comes to your mind. Don't stop. You will need a lot of time - from 20 minutes to an hour. At some point, you will actually begin to write completely automatically, that is, you will stop thinking about what exactly you are writing. Then all you have to do is re-read what you wrote. Most likely, you will find the answer to all your questions. But, really, he might surprise you.
Changing Focus
It is impossible to objectively consider the problem while being inside. Asking outside observers for advice is also pointless, because they have not been inside the problem and have no idea what it really is. Actually, there is only one way out - you yourself need to become an “outside observer.” There is only one way to do this, literally by running away from the problem. With your feet. The next stage is to get distracted! The thing is, if you just walk away, you won't stop thinking about the difficult situation. Time can help here (which you most likely don’t have) or strong impressions- better positive ones, naturally. You need to repress your emotions. After you have been away from the problem for some time, both physically and emotionally, you can return to it as an “outside observer.” This will help you look at the situation with different eyes and find ways to solve problems.
Contact a specialist
If you are completely confused, your loved ones will most likely suggest that you see a psychologist. And you, most likely, will not go to him. Because who knows how to look for it good specialist. And then, this requires time and money, which may also not exist. What's really important to understand is this: you need to look at the problem through someone else's eyes. This is why a friend who knows about the problem will not help you; your mother, who knows you very well, will not help; and even more so the person who is inside the same problem will not help. There is no need to be afraid of psychologists. There is no need to look for the best specialist in the world - it is likely that you will only need a couple of sessions. And you need to be prepared for the fact that the specialist will not give you any advice, but this is not necessary. The very opportunity to explain the essence of the problem to a stranger helps to look at it as if through someone else’s eyes.
Brainstorm
The good old way of solving problems - you've probably used it more than once. “Take advice from a friend” - that’s it. But in reality, the more brains involved, the better. You need a group of people who are willing to help you, a place where you can gather, and time to consider all your options. This method is not very suitable for solving deeply personal problems. But if it's a situation where you feel stuck, brainstorm ideal method. Because none of your friends will offer you a suitable solution right away. It will be born itself, in the process.
Eating mammoth
“You can even eat a mammoth if you eat it in parts” - that’s, in fact, the whole essence of the method. You don’t even need to cut up this “mammoth”, because you will get bogged down in new problem- how best to do this. Imagine that you are a predator, and in front of you is a harvested mammoth carcass. Come and bite. That is, don’t look for some one true way to solve a problem, try to approach it with different sides and “bite off” little by little. That is, make a small effort, one that will not strain you too much and will not frighten you. This way you will probe the problem from all sides - this is the first thing. And secondly, an understanding will gradually come from which side it is best to solve it.
Buddhist monks, known for their wisdom, say about problems in a person’s life: “Who can know what is bad luck and what is good?”
If you take a few minutes away from the string of affairs and worries and look around, you will notice that there are always two categories of people in our environment. Some people succeed in everything they try, while others are constantly concerned about how to solve a problem that arises in one or another area of their life.
A problem is a message from the Universe
We dream of a day when there will be no problem left in our life. It seems like you can go crazy from their number. Problems in the family, in business, with children, health problems... Where to find a way out of this carousel, how to deal with the ups and downs of life that fate sends?But there is no need to fight at all, just as there is no need to avoid such situations. Everything that happens in our lives does not happen just like that. In this form, the Universe sends us coded signs that are designed for us to ask ourselves:
- What part of my life is affected by this situation?
- What actions of mine could have become the root of these troubles?
- About my thoughts?
- About my lifestyle?
- About an alternative path that would be worth taking?
When we write “problem” we mean “opportunity”
Do you want to know how problems are solved? strong people? They believe in themselves and look for opportunities in any situation, and believe me, they always exist.My friend was in a very difficult situation when she was dumped common law husband. The situation is banal to the point of disgrace: the rival turned out to be more attractive than the bored woman who devoted herself entirely to her family and their two common children.
Elena was left without money, without a profession, without the slightest prospects even for tomorrow. The only thing that kept her from going crazy was that the children demanded attention and care. It was even impossible to cry in front of them, because then quiet tears turned into a friendly choir of sobbing soloists.
By telling herself that every problem is just an opportunity, Elena found a way out of her predicament.
She reflected on her life and realized: in her family, and in the family of her parents, she always had to be dependent. She was constantly told what she should do and how to act in a given situation.
The soft and indecisive Elena had severely low self-esteem. She promised herself that for the sake of her children she would definitely stand on her own two feet and gain self-confidence.
While forced to stay at home, back in that “former” life, Elena learned to make amazingly beautiful flower arrangements, marked by impeccable taste. Friends and acquaintances always asked her to help with the design of family holidays.
Now Lena decided to get a job as a simple worker in flower shop. At the same time, she persistently worked on her outlook on life and self-esteem. Now my friend is the owner of a small but firmly standing flower business, and her design skills are used not only at home parties and are very well paid.
Happiness in his personal life was not long in coming, Elena’s husband is a very kind and kind-hearted person, mutual understanding reigns in their family. Now my friend gives advice on how strong people solve problems.
Who managed to overcome the problem
The famous American brain power researcher John Kehoe gives in his books an example of how to use it for good. difficult situations different people:- US President Franklin D. Roosevelt, unable to cope without a wheelchair, led the country out of the “Great Depression.” He couldn't even sit on his own because he suffered from paraplegia.
- Australian Prime Minister Bob Hawke, who served four terms in office, was previously forced to struggle with alcohol addiction.
- Champion Olympic Games Wilma Rudolph, not only was born into a very poor black family, but also suffered from polio at the age of 10. Vilma thought she was going crazy, reality was so unfair to her. Faith in the best and optimism took over, and the girl won three Olympic gold medals.
- The famous runner of the nineties Gail Devers, a few weeks before her performance at the Barcelona Olympics, was suddenly covered with terrible ulcers from head to toe. After a long search for the cause, it turned out that this was a rare disease that threatened the girl with amputation of her feet.
Gail decided to fight to the end, and a couple of days before the scheduled operation, the disease suddenly subsided. The girl won the 100-meter race at the games in Spain, and four years later became the Olympic champion in Atlanta.
If you think carefully, everyone can find many such examples in their family or in their immediate environment, among colleagues and acquaintances.
How to find the cause of the problem
It’s not at all difficult to go crazy from the problems that have piled up, as they say, “a bad thing is not tricky.” But you can find a way out of a difficult situation and find the cause of failure if you use a certain search algorithm.- Everything has already happened and the problem is obvious.
- Ask yourself what preceded this, what events happened shortly before its appearance, remember your thoughts and words.
Did you know that thoughts, this product of our mind, can include situations of failure not only in your own life, but also in the lives of people close to you? Negative emotions and thoughts, even carefully disguised ones, attract negative consequences.
If inside your mind there are only harmonious thoughts that your world cares about you, you love it, and the power next to you will always protect you from unwanted influence, this will be better protection from troubles.
- Ask yourself if this is the first time a problem has occurred in this area of your life. If such troubles have already arisen, it means that the Universe is persistently trying to reach you, aggravating the situation and offering more and more difficult options each time. There is only one way out - to react, to look for a solution to the problem.
- Try to understand what is common in all these situations, what unites them. If you are losing money all the time, then the problem is your wrong attitude towards it. If your relationships with women (colleagues, relatives, friends) are constantly not going well, then it’s all about your attitude towards them.
- Remember that during such problematic situations, people say things about you that you don’t like. These words are the very root of the problem that you need to find. Nobody is suggesting that you go crazy and trustingly listen to your opponents. But if you are outraged and blame someone else, then everything said by others is true.
- Ask yourself what you need to understand from this situation, how you do not accept people, the world around you, and, perhaps, yourself.