When is it time to divorce your husband test. Will my husband and I divorce? Online fortune telling? As a conclusion
Tatiana Sharanda
practical psychologist
family and marriage consultant
head of the psychological development center
The realization of being abandoned is difficult for both women and men
— It is very difficult to say that divorce is harder for someone, men or women. Firstly, it all depends on the situation, and secondly, on personal qualities every person.
Of course, if we talk about general statistics, women are more sensitive by nature, but still main factor- who left whom. There is almost always someone who has been abandoned. It's usually harder for him. The person who leaves is a priori stronger. Psychological pressure when thrown can be extremely powerful. Sometimes even men cannot cope with such situations. Moreover, they often seek salvation in alcohol, gambling, and so on.
- But it also happens that the decision is made mutually. The ending is not always tragic.
- Certainly. There are such couples, and I have deep respect for them. Unfortunately, not everyone can come to an agreement. Good relationship between ex-spouses are rarely preserved. But people came to me who, despite the divorce, are still friends. And at the reception they were about problems with their common child.
For example, one baby showed psychological difficulties, and both parents were interested in holding him and helping him understand himself. This is a wonderful example to others.
Divorce, get married, get divorced again, get married again
— They say that if one of the spouses has the idea of divorce in principle, then there is no turning back. Sooner or later there will be a break.
“And here we can’t say for certain. Situations vary. It depends on what roles each person plays within the family, which inner self dominates.
There are couples where both he and she are teenagers within themselves, regardless of their actual age. In this case, everything is unpredictable, because for them the relationship is rather a game. In words, spouses get divorced almost every day. Gradually, even those around them get used to their scandals. There are times when people actually get divorced. Then they get married again. Then they get divorced again and... get married (laughs). This is their personal journey of growing up. Often in such marriages the child takes on the role of the adult. Paradoxical but true! He is the most responsible and wise in the house. He had to become like this in order to at least survive.
A marriage where one of the partners plays the role of a parent can last quite a long time, since a mature person understands a lot, is not afraid to take responsibility and knows how to give in.
There are unions where the husband and wife are both independent individuals, both adults. In this case, the reason for divorce is usually very serious, for example, a discrepancy between the sexual constitution. When one of the partners is hyperactive, and the other is much less interested in the intimate side of life. Or someone has not just a fleeting relationship on the side, but a strong attachment that gradually develops into true love, and being together is simply unbearable.
Society no longer blames a wife who leaves the family
— Based on your experience, who most often initiates divorce?
— You might be surprised: today these are more and more often women! They can provide for themselves financially, their parents help them, they have ambitions, personal goals, society no longer blames a wife who leaves the family, it is no longer a shame. Sometimes it is almost impossible to reach the modern Amazon. If she decides something for herself, it’s difficult to stop her.
— Inner freedom is good. But is the decision to burn bridges always the right one?
— I am probably a very conservative psychologist. Today independence and strength are promoted. However, it seems to me that we need to try to save the family to the last. You shouldn't make hasty conclusions. After all, you can regret it very much later, and it’s not always possible to get everything back.
A lot of people come to me, and I can say with complete confidence that children suffer the most from the separation of their parents. This and psychological problems, which then accompany them into adulthood, and various diseases, the cause of which was severe stress on nervous soil. And in adolescence, suicidal thoughts may even arise. And these are not unfounded statements, but real situations that I, as a specialist, had to deal with. The psyche of children is quite flexible, but boys and girls aged 13-17 are extremely sensitive.
For 47 years the man carried within himself a tormenting feeling of abandonment
— Is it worth saving a marriage solely for the sake of children?
- If this is impossible, I always ask parents to at least try to preserve warm relations with each other. This is important for children. Don’t swear, don’t find out in front of them who is right and who is wrong, try to come to some kind of compromise, because, as I already said, the situation of divorce greatly hurts boys and girls. If you do not pay attention to this in time, the pain will torment a person throughout his life.
Just recently I talked with a woman who is already 47 years old. Her dad left the family when she was little. This is how the situation developed. She did not see her father. I decided to do this only now. I found out the address and visited my parent, who had long since moved to Moscow. The meeting turned out to be very warm. The father was glad for his daughter’s arrival, he showed her the capital and told her about his fate. The woman admitted that she only now realized: all her life she felt inferior. And only now she felt better. For almost 47 years the man carried within himself a tormenting feeling of abandonment.
— Have there been any cases in your practice when people regretted getting divorced?
— I ask about this, and usually people who are well over 35 give a positive answer to this question.
- What is the main reason?
— A relationship on the side that the partner could not forgive, even if it was actually something not serious at all.
I only know three good reasons for divorce
— How do you understand that a divorce is really necessary, because there are such situations?
— So that you understand better, I’ll tell you a little story. Back in the Soviet Union, I read a letter from a woman in a very serious magazine. This was a kind of message to all people. She wrote about her life. The narrator had a wonderful family: good husband and two children, peace and all. But the woman began to notice that her husband began to move away - he devoted all his free time only to the kids. At some point, the wife began to ask questions. The husband honestly answered that she was very dear to him and he respected her immensely, but... only as the mother of their children, it turned out that he fell in love with another.
The woman cried, was offended, cursed. He endured and did not make excuses. The man was very attached to the children; he could not leave his family. Yes, his wife internally did not let him go. Slowly and painfully, the realization came to her that the person dear to her was simply dying before her eyes. A conversation took place and they parted.
Without waiting for the morning, he took some things and rushed towards his dream. However, he was in such a hurry that he lost control and crashed. In an instant, hope and support for everyone disappeared. In the letter, she asked not to repeat her mistake, but to understand and accept the feelings of another and, no matter how painful it may be, to let go.
What is this story for? Love is the most important reason. If you feel that they are not lying to you, that a serious feeling is forcing a person to leave, then you need to come to terms with it.
The second reason is any human addiction, be it alcohol, drugs, gambling. If a person is not ready to fight with himself, it is impossible to pull him out of the swamp, no matter how hard his spouse tries, he will have to drown together. Here I have a rather tough position, because this is true. Too many broken destinies. Former people there are no dependencies.
The third reason is violence. I think everyone understands this. Don't wait for the aggressor to eventually cripple you physically or mentally. Pack your things, seek help, support and leave. There are always options.
It seems to me that there are three main factors. In all other cases, I advise you not to rush into a decision.
Remove rose-colored glasses!
“Maybe you should ask yourself some questions to better understand what’s going on in your soul?”
— Without going to a psychologist, you can go through projective techniques for unfinished sentences on the topic “Family Relationships.” In them you just need to finish the saying. It is advisable to do this together, and then exchange the results obtained; they will surprise both. Only I recommend turning to serious psychological sites.
When we get married, we often confuse expectations with reality, endowing our partner with non-existent qualities, perceiving his behavior from a position that is convenient for us. at the moment time. And as experience shows, taking off the “rose-colored glasses” and seeing a person from a different angle is very painful.
If partners simply decide to talk to each other, this is already a serious step forward! I take my hat off to people like that. Unfortunately, more and more often couples come to me where he or she demands in an almost commanding tone: “Explain to my husband (wife) what he (she) must do!” Such statements have long ceased to amaze me. Unfortunately, we only hear ourselves and our pain, without thinking about what is going on in the soul of another person. I always want to tell such people: “It’s time to take off the rose-colored glasses!” Although this should have been done before marriage. If you are not ready to accept another person, then it is better not to enter into a relationship. And if we change, then only together.
One more little sketch. I often watch people. What can you do, that's the job. So I remember one scene well (although it is repeated more than once in other interpretations). On the subway. The train arrived. A young couple at the station says goodbye. He kissed her and she walked forward. At the very doors of the transport, the girl turned around to look at the guy. But the young man had already taken out his phone and buried his nose in it. Not a very pleasant situation, you will agree. The girl never received the message she was hoping for.
It would seem nonsense! But it is in the little things that the truth can be seen. I can predict future relationships between people based on this story alone. And my verdict will be discouraging. The relationship is at the initial stage, but already here it is worth asking yourself whether this is the right person and whether we really need each other.
Freedom is too tempting
— Today it is fashionable to say “we took a break” when a couple decided to separate for a while and live separately. Is this method useful?
- In principle, yes. However, there is one thing. Freedom can be too tempting. Primarily for men.
Why do problems start in marriage? There are no obligations during the candy-bouquet period. Today we met, went to the cinema, and tomorrow we decided to relax. Positive emotions more, and it’s too early to make any claims. And then you have to be with the person constantly, overcome obstacles together, get used to each other. And for some this is extremely difficult. So it is here. If you feel the taste of freedom again, there is a tantalizing desire to fly away forever. When the wave of joy from independence subsides, it may turn out that this freedom was not really needed.
— Can you give advice on saving a marriage?
- Tell each other about your shortcomings. When I tell my clients this, their eyes widen. And yet, yes, let a man honestly say that from time to time he throws socks all over the apartment, that he doesn’t know how to hang frames on the walls, and so on, and a woman admits that she only knows how to cook scrambled eggs, and sometimes gets upset over little things.
Taking off the mask of ideality, we begin to move towards each other. Before marriage, both men and women often idealize their partner and expect a certain attitude in advance, but then it turns out that everything is not as beautiful as it was in their dreams.
In any situation, try to conduct a dialogue, not a verbal duel, put yourself in your partner’s place, think, then act. This does not always save the marriage, but, believe me, it will preserve your nerves and respect for each other.
Just fifty years ago, the mentality obliged a woman to endure all injustices from her husband and under no circumstances file for divorce. Over time, values have changed. It didn't make the women any happier, but it might have made them feel a little freer. For what reasons you need to divorce your husband is a purely personal matter, but in the article we will talk about in what cases divorce is inevitable and justified.
From this article you will learn:
- What are the divorce statistics in modern families?
- What are the reasons for divorcing your husband?
- Why women are afraid of divorce
Which families are at risk: divorce statistics
According to statistics, a third of marriages end in divorce. In the first place at risk are couples who have been together for three to six years and have a young child. Contrary to expectations, children do not keep spouses in a marriage, but on the contrary, they can be a catalyst for a breakup.
In second place were couples with experience family life 20–25 years. Spouses, having put their children on their feet, suffer from the “empty nest” syndrome and are looking for new life guidelines.
Surprisingly, divorces are least likely to occur in childless families, when the reason for the separation is the desire to have their own or adopted children.
Many couples find themselves dangerously close to divorce. Some of them have a poor chance of survival to begin with. For example, marriages concluded due to pregnancy, or early unions, when the guy and girl are 18 years old and do not yet understand what they want from life.
Psychologists advise not to rush into a wedding if the couple has been dating for only six months. An additional six months of relationship will help young people get to know each other better, and most importantly, get to know their partner’s shortcomings. The family will be stronger when the guy and girl getting married know what weaknesses of the other half they will have to put up with.
Young people are often disappointed in family life because they are faced with a discrepancy between their ideas about marriage and reality. The discrepancy between dreams and surrounding reality creates an unfavorable atmosphere in a young family.
The selfish interest of a man, because of which he got married, can become a significant reason for a woman to divorce her husband. If a girl is young and attractive, the last thing she wants is to stay married so that her husband can assert himself at her expense.
Emotional dependence can also destroy the union between a man and a woman. Such relationships cannot initially be called healthy. You may need the help of a specialist so that partners learn to be self-sufficient and learn what true love is.
If there are no sincere feelings at the heart of a marriage, it is doomed to failure from the very beginning. A woman can enjoy the patronage and money of her husband, but over time, irritation, anger, and disappointment will accumulate, which sooner or later will find a way out and it is unknown what dead end the family will lead to.
Today, marriage is not perceived as something indestructible. In pursuit of personal happiness, men and women, without hesitation, sacrifice what has been built over the years. In the first years of marriage, 40% of couples divorce, in the first 10 years - more than 60%.
According to statistics, marriages concluded before 30 years of age are twice as more durable than alliances, educated by people over 30. This is due to the fact that in adulthood it is more difficult to adapt to another person, put up with his weaknesses, change his habits, satisfy his partner’s needs, and not just his own. People over thirty find it more difficult to fit into family roles, especially if they have no experience of living together.
The main reasons for divorcing a husband:
- ill-considered marriage or union of convenience;
- betrayal, dissatisfaction with intimate life;
- unpreparedness for family life and responsibility. Incompatibility of views, values and characters;
- bad habits of one of the partners.
Let's note the most common reasons divorce from husband:
- 42% is occupied by the psychological unpreparedness of partners for family life. It can be expressed in the rudeness of spouses, humiliation and insults, reluctance to help in solving everyday problems, lack of common interests, inability to compromise.
- 23% of men and 31% of women indicated alcoholism as the main reason for divorce.
- 15% of women and 12% of men cited infidelity as a reason for breaking up a relationship.
- Only 9% of women cite the main reason for divorcing their husbands as their partner’s reluctance to help in solving everyday problems. Research says that 40% of spouses help their wives run the household.
Other reasons for separation of partners do not play such a significant role. From the point of view of women, 3.1% is occupied by domestic unsettlement, 1.8% by material difficulties, 1.6% by different views on material well-being, 1.5% – groundless jealousy, 0.8% – intimate dissatisfaction, 0.2% – absence of children.
Men assess the reasons for breaking up a relationship with their spouse differently. 37% of respondents cited the lack of serious intimacy as the reason for separation. 29% of men lacked attention and tenderness, and 14% lacked stable intimate relationships. 9% of respondents complained of lack of care. 14% of husbands felt excessive importunity on the part of their wife.
All families on the verge of divorce have common problem– they do not fully understand the reason for the separation. If spouses knew how to talk to each other, talk about their problems and listen to their partner’s needs, then many things could be avoided. conflict situations, reach a compromise and save the family.
Other reasons to divorce your husband
IN modern society the very concept of the indestructibility and value of marriage vows has been lost. The younger generation is quite frivolous about family ties. Personal comfort trumps the need to consider the interests of another person.
For women, a common reason for divorce from their husband is change social roles. Today, many ladies try on male roles: they provide for their families, make important decisions on their own, and do not ask for help. At some point, a woman may realize that her husband is a burden to her and file for divorce.
Another reason for divorcing your husband may be unjustified expectations. This behavior is more typical for young and immature ladies. When they got married, they thought that their spouse would constantly carry them in their arms, and the romance would never end. But the reality turned out to be completely different. The husband quickly lost his halo as a handsome prince and turned into an ordinary man who loves to eat borscht and lie on the couch after work. In this case, much depends on the woman’s upbringing and worldview. And if one girl is able to change her mind, accept that life is different from fantasy, and save the family, then the second will file for divorce and will blame her husband for this.
A common reason for divorce from a husband is infidelity. Infidelity destroys trust between spouses and faith in love. Many people treat it as a betrayal that cannot be forgiven. But first of all, betrayal indicates that not everything is in order in the family and there is no mutual understanding between the partners. Irritation from everyday contradictions and unresolved conflicts can accumulate for years and provoke infidelity of one of the spouses. Cheating can also happen in a prosperous family, especially if the partners have been married for a long time. In most cases, such frivolous behavior is typical of men who suffer from routine and monotony and are looking for thrills.
A person’s ability to remain faithful to his other half is directly related to his attitude towards sex before marriage, and this applies equally to representatives of both sexes. People who are used to being promiscuous find it more difficult to limit themselves and be faithful to their partner. Sex in early age based not on love, but on instincts and passion. In the future, this leads to the fact that a person’s level of responsibility and sense of duty towards the other half decreases. With frequent changes of partners, a man or woman begins to view sex not as an act of love, but as a non-binding procedure.
Unfortunately, in lately Reasons for divorce from a husband, such as aggressive behavior, violence, alcoholism, and drug addiction, have become more common. This is a sad statistic that shows that moral and moral values are deteriorating in society.
Surprisingly, the anticipation and birth of your first child can be a serious test for family relationships. Many marriages break up in the first years after the birth of a child, and the initiator of divorce is most often the man.
After the birth of a baby, caring for her spouse fades into the background for a woman. And a man, trying to adapt to a change in life, puts all the responsibilities around the house and childcare on his other half. As a result, the woman has no time left for her husband, who begins to feel abandoned, unloved and forgotten. Since this is a difficult and turning point period in the lives of both spouses, they cannot adequately assess what is happening.
Woman feels constant fatigue and lack of sleep, it is generally difficult for her to concentrate and understand her lover’s claims, because she constantly takes care of the child and at the same time tries to keep the house clean and ready-made food in the refrigerator. As a result, negativity begins to accumulate in the soul and gradually the partners move away from each other. The man sees the only way out of this situation as divorce.
To prevent this from happening, you can wish spouses with small children to learn to listen not only to themselves and their needs, but also to think about their other half, take care of her and solve all problems together.
It’s rare, but it happens that women cite banal boredom as the reason for divorcing their husbands. The period of falling in love and ardent passion is long behind us; over the years of marriage, the spouses have gotten to know each other so well that there is no longer anything to quarrel about. Love has given way to friendship and partnerships. Every day goes the same way, the spouses do not expect surprises or unexpected actions from each other.
But this state of affairs may not suit every woman. A lady dissatisfied with life begins to look for positive emotions outside the home, and then comes to the conclusion that it is easier to get a divorce and try to start over than to maintain a joyless and dull marriage.
But more often, if the relationship has outlived its usefulness, the man becomes the initiator of the divorce. This causes anger and resentment in a woman, because she had to sacrifice professional self-realization in order to take care of her children, husband and home. But the husband, in the grip of his own dissatisfaction with life, turns out to be deaf to his wife’s experiences. Partners move away from each other, and the family is on the verge of destruction.
Often couples break up due to lack of their own home. When you are young, it seems that everything is ahead: career growth, big earnings, buying an apartment and a first-class car. But the years go by, and not all people manage to fulfill their plans and dreams. Living together for a long time with parents provokes quarrels and scandals. Bitterness from unfulfilled desires, dissatisfaction with life and constant irritation become the obstacle to family happiness, which the spouses are no longer able to overcome.
Poverty, inability to provide for a family or even oneself also become a frequent reason for divorce from a husband. When a person is in constant need, he cannot enjoy life. It’s even harder for a woman in such a situation, because she worries not only about herself, but also about the children who need to be fed, clothed, paid for their education, etc. The wife has to either decide on her own financial problems, or look for someone who can provide for her and the children. As a result, the marriage breaks up, since in any case it is easier for a woman to feed herself and her child than to also take care of an insolvent husband.
Signs that divorce from your husband is near
A woman may have good reasons to divorce her husband, but she will not always be in a hurry to do so. However, there are some signs of an imminent breakup. Spouses may be aware of them, or they may experience subconscious anxiety, but not understand its origins. Women, as a rule, are more sensitive to various signals and signs, because their intuition is stronger than that of men.
The first sign of impending trouble may be limited communication between the spouses and each other. One of the partners becomes withdrawn, stops sharing his thoughts and experiences, and does not respond to affectionate touches. Of course, such behavior is not always a sign of an imminent divorce. A person can, for example, get sick and because of this become isolated on his problem. Any situation requires clarification; there is no need to panic ahead of time.
But if things really are heading towards divorce, then over time the following points will appear in the husband’s behavior:
- refusal of physical intimacy;
- irritation when showing signs of attention from the wife;
- self-acceptance important decisions, without joint discussion with the spouse;
- to the question “how was your day?” the answer will be “this is my personal matter, which does not concern you.”
If you notice all of the above points in your spouse’s behavior, then the situation is critical. Of course, you can still save your family, but you will have to work very hard on yourself first.
Not all people can cope with the problem of saving a marriage on their own. If you feel that the situation has reached a dead end and your internal resources are at their limit, then you need to contact a specialist. It will help restore the balance of power in the body, soberly assess the current situation and your capabilities.
People can have different attitudes towards the same events and actions. And if one woman says that she has a lot of reasons to divorce her husband, then the second may find them insignificant and far-fetched.
Many girls strive to get married at the age of 18, without thinking about the fact that at this age a holistic and objective idea of real life. Infantile ladies who avoid responsibility will hold on to marriage until the last moment, even when there is no longer any point in doing so. For what reasons is it necessary to divorce your husband?
Firstly, if the relationship has finally broken down. A man lives his life without emotional attachment to his family and without perceiving it as part of himself. He feels nothing towards his wife except hostility and irritation. All the happy moments of marriage are long gone, and the memories of them have practically been erased.
Secondly, if a woman has experienced domestic violence or bad habits spouse. Unfortunately, over the years people can change for the worse. More precisely, with age, internal restrictions weaken, and what was kept in check breaks out. A man, in a fit of rage, no longer hesitates to raise his hand against his wife and even children, and drowns all everyday worries and problems in a glass of vodka. It is impossible to change an adult and make him better. For many people, such attempts, on the contrary, will cause aggression and anger, which will aggravate the emotional pressure on their spouse. Therefore, a woman needs to either resign herself and endure, or muster up courage and file for divorce.
However, most of the reasons why women divorce their husbands are individual in nature and depend entirely on moral values, personal ideals, principles and outlook on life. One thing is undeniable - you cannot force a person to save his family. If the decision has been made, then it is pointless to keep it, because in such a relationship neither party will be happy. After all, a family is not a yoke or a heavy burden, but a voluntary union of two adults, built on mutual love, respect and understanding.
How to increase self-esteem?
Let's use men as an example. How can a man improve his self-esteem? For example, if a man grows in his career and business, then his self-esteem also grows. He becomes more courageous, more self-confident. Why? Because he understands that the more successful he is, the more valuable he is, in principle, to many people. And his condition changes because of this.
Many girls also resort to this when pursuing a career or business. But it is important to understand, yes, self-esteem from a career or business can also grow higher, but this is not a woman’s self-esteem, this is a person’s self-esteem. And often a woman can be confident in work, in business, but often nonsense happens in life. And often there is such a dissonance that she is successful in her career and business, but not in relationships. It's different for women. A woman's self-esteem greatly depends on the quality of her relationships with men.
This is how the world works. This does not mean that you should bow down to someone or try. No. This means that you must first establish a relationship with yourself. These are the most important relationships you need to establish. And when you establish them, your relationships with men will also improve. Until you have established a relationship with yourself, you want to manipulate, you want to pretend to be someone you are not, and you attract the same men who pretend to be someone they are not. And you and each other have hard sex in the brain. If you are satisfied with this, then continue in the same spirit, if you are not satisfied with this, ask yourself more often the question: what is my plan, what do I really want and what am I doing or not doing for this. Am I moving towards my goals and desires or am I marking time?
10 signs indicating the need to divorce your husband
After the honeymoon, the spouses begin to get used to each other and learn to live together. This process can be difficult, because the partner’s shortcomings and weaknesses begin to appear, which can be difficult to put up with. It is during this period that the first doubts about the success of the concluded alliance may appear.
However, domestic quarrels are not yet a reason for divorcing your husband. All couples have difficult periods. Without them, life may seem dull. Difficulties strengthen you and allow you to get to know your companion better. However, sometimes a woman is faced with such actions of her husband that cannot be tolerated. For what reasons should you divorce your husband? Let's name the main ones:
Even having objective reasons to divorce her husband, it can be very difficult for a woman to decide to take such a step. She begins to postpone making a final decision and looks for additional evidence that the relationship can no longer be saved. To such signs separation soon can be attributed:
- the desire to complain even to strangers about the spouse in the smallest detail;
- no need to look good for your other half;
- opposing views on significant aspects of life;
- vlack of common goals and objectives in family relationships;
- feeling awkward when appearing with your spouse in public;
- lack of mutual assistance and support;
- there are no common topics for conversation and joint leisure;
- Children get very upset because of their parents' quarrels.
Women are creative natures, so they will try to save the family until the last chance. Reluctance to get a divorce can also be explained by fear of the unknown, fear of losing status married woman and the expectation of financial difficulties. However, there is an advantage to divorce. It allows you to gain freedom and start all over again, because life with an unloved husband is sometimes worse than the loss of financial well-being.
The reasons for divorcing your husband can be completely different. What else a man cannot forgive:
Why are some women afraid to divorce their husbands?
Divorce is stressful and saying goodbye to your usual way of life. This scares many women. As a rule, they are afraid of the following:
- Many mothers do not want to feel guilty for depriving their children of their father, and are ready to tolerate an unloved husband for the sake of the children’s happiness.
- Relatives and friends, not knowing all the circumstances, may take the husband’s side. A woman is afraid to be left isolated, without the support of loved ones, alone with her misfortune.
- Even if there are plenty of reasons to divorce her husband, the fear of being left without money will stop the woman. Material wealth is one of the main obstacles to separation, especially if the husband fully provides for the family. With the help of this tool, a man often manipulates his wife and puts pressure on her. However, there are women for whom the situation of lack of money is not a reason for fear, but for looking for work and professional self-realization.
- Fear of loneliness can also prevent a woman from putting an end to her relationship with her unloved husband. But we must remember that divorce does not mean loneliness. On the contrary, it gives freedom in the search for true intimacy and love.
The reasons for divorce can be subjective or objective, but in any case it is a test for the whole family. When a marriage breaks up, both parents and children have to say goodbye to their usual way of life and look for new support for building a happy future. It’s good if the spouses find the strength to remain friends after separation and not remember bad things, so that past grievances and feelings of guilt do not affect their new life.
Thank you for reading this article to the end.
Hello, my name is Yaroslav Samoilov. I am an expert in the psychology of relationships and over the years of practice I have helped more than 10,000 girls meet worthy soul mates, build harmonious relationships and return love and understanding to families that were on the verge of divorce.
More than anything, I am inspired by the happy eyes of students who meet the people of their dreams and enjoy a truly vibrant life.
My goal is to show women a way to develop relationships that will help them create a synergy of success and happiness!
When should a man think about separating from his wife?
- she has ceased to be interested in your affairs and shows no desire to communicate;
- the slightest offense causes her indignation, and every conversation strives to turn into a scandal;
- does not invite you to meetings with friends or relatives;
- does not show a desire to look attractive to you;
- cold sexually.
When a woman decides to file for divorce from her husband
- reluctance to provide for the family;
- various types of violence;
- treason;
- addiction (alcohol, gaming, drug addiction).
Universal signs
- you haven’t had warm feelings for each other for a long time;
- tolerate living together for the sake of the children;
- minimized spending time together;
- there is no desire to do anything for the family.
Is divorce always the right choice?
| Divorce is inevitable if there is: | When is it better not to rush: |
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You can forgive your loved ones a lot. But they must appreciate this and also strive to maintain the relationship. Otherwise, your attempts are another humiliation of your personality.
A test to help you make a decision
Test No. 1
Next to each statement, select your option: “yes” or “no.” If half or more of the statements are present in your relationship, divorce is most likely inevitable. If less than half, there is a chance to save the family.
- No common topics of conversation Not really
- All sorrows and joys are shared with others, not with you Not really
- Calm attitude of the wife/husband towards affairs on the side Not really
- There is no need to ask your spouse for help Not really
- Different views for life Not really
- Different goals yes/no
- Don't pay attention to appearance partner Not really
- Are you embarrassed to go out with him/her in society? Not really
- Different social circles Not really
- Different views on financial issues in the family Not really
- Frequent quarrels yes/no
- Conflicts affect children Not really
- Do you often think about divorce? Not really
Test No. 2
- How long have you been wanting to file for divorce?
- It was immediately clear that this union was short-lived 1 point
- About a year later 2 points
- Suddenly decided 3 points
- We've been thinking about this for a long time, but only now have we decided 4 points
- This is not a final solution 5 points
- Does your partner annoy you?
- Very annoying even in small things 1 point
- Often annoying 2 points
- Sometimes annoying 3 points
- Rarely annoying 4 points
- You are uninterested and bored with him 5 points
- What strength is your emotionality?
- You are reserved and calm 1 point
- No excessive emotionality 2 points
- Trying to control yourself 3 points
- Sometimes emotions run high 4 points
- You are very emotional and sensitive 5 points
- How do you think your husband/wife will react to you leaving?
- He will get angry and blame you 1 point
- Would like to return 2 points
- Completely immersed in work 3 points
- Pretends he's not in pain 4 points
- Will be very upset 5 points
- What will your life be like after divorce?
- Finally the long-awaited freedom 1 point
- Cope calmly without a partner 2 points
- The habit of a person will remind you for a long time, but you can handle it 3 points
- It won't be easy without him 4 points
- It's hard for you to believe that you are no longer together 5 points
- What's the scenario with children?
- No common children 1 point
- The other half does not participate in upbringing 2 points
- He/she rarely communicates with children 3 points
- Spends a lot of time with children 4 points
- Loves and cares for children very much 5 points
- Why did you decide to get a divorce?
- You were betrayed 1 point
- You were disappointed 2 points
- You have new love 3 points
- This relationship is making you unhappy 4 points
- You need freedom 5 points
From 7 to 14 points
It will be easier for you if you leave, slamming the door loudly. Only then will resentment and anger at your partner stop destroying you from the inside. After this he will understand everything himself.
From 14 to 21
You don't have to explain anything if you're about to leave. But to avoid accusations, it is better to calmly explain why you made this decision. If you leave silently, the husband/wife will have a hard time dealing with the breakup and will not decide to enter into a new relationship for a long time.
From 21 to 28
In your case, you shouldn’t break your partner’s soul, and it’s better to leave his life quietly and unnoticed. It's better when he's not at home. Leave a note about your final decision. Otherwise, it will take a long time and you will need to figure out who is wrong and why.
From 28 to 35
Most likely, you should try to remain friends. Otherwise, the chain of your previous relationships will drag on for a long time: you are used to him, you are not a stranger to him. In this case, friendship will slowly but surely distance you from each other. As a result, you will stop communicating altogether.
35 points
For now, it’s better for you to put off the idea of divorce. This will be a strong blow for your partner. Think about it, perhaps there are no serious reasons, and you are overwhelmed with emotions that push you to take such an action. It’s better to take a break from each other for a couple of weeks, live separately, and then calmly discuss everything.
What questions to ask yourself when in doubt?
If you answer all the questions honestly, you will be able to really assess the situation, and making a decision will be easier and faster.
- If I get divorced
– what will I get?
– what will I lose? - How will my life change after breaking up with this person?
- What new opportunities and plans will I have?
- What problems might I encounter?
- Will I be able to cope with them and what will I need for this?
- What's the worst that could happen, what am I most afraid of? And what will I do in this situation?
- Will I benefit the people close to me?
- Will I hurt them with my decision?
- Am I satisfied with these results and will I be able to put in so much effort and experience so many feelings?
When do you need a psychologist's consultation?
Many people believe that the help of a specialist will solve all problems. This is wrong. A highly qualified psychologist will never tell you what to do and how to do it. But he will help you find the true answers and strength within yourself to make a decision yourself. Therefore, you need to approach it responsibly.
You need to seek help if both spouses want to save the marriage, but they can’t do it on their own.
How does a person cope with divorce?
Everyone reacts to divorce differently, but everyone goes through certain phases of awareness:
- Shock phase
Lasts about two weeks. During this period, a person does not believe what happened. It is important that you have family and friends with you whom you can completely trust. - Depression phase
During this period, different emotions can overwhelm you. Resentment, pain, guilt because they could not save the family. It is important to understand that both sides are to blame and accept this, only then will you be able to cope and survive this difficult situation. - Residual phase
It appears rarely, but is always accompanied by strong emotional outbursts. The reason may be family holidays spent for the first time without a spouse or chance meeting with him. Frequent reminders of your ex – mutual friends, relatives, etc. – can make things worse. - Completion phase
The last stage of the “cure”. During this period, about a year and a half after the breakup, it is no longer so painful for you to remember about former love. Plans appear, the need for new relationships appears. When you realize you don't want to look back anymore, you're ready to start over.
To make it easier to cope with a breakup, change your environment. Start traveling or start rearranging your home. Change your hairstyle, hair color, go for treatments.
Do not abuse alcohol, otherwise depression will come with a new wave. Don't try to get back within a short period of time after the divorce. It will seem to you that you are ready to forgive all sins, but in reality this is not the case. If after six months the desire to return has not disappeared, then you can try again.
Alternative to divorce
Analyze your behavior first. Reconsider your attitude towards various situations, stop blaming each other for all the troubles. This is the key to mutual understanding.
Don't make a scandal
In a calm environment it is much easier to come to a compromise.
Help
If you see that your husband or wife needs help, do not be lazy to provide it. This will show that you care about the comfort of your other half and you care.
Support
Be, first of all, a friend and a psychologist who will regret and give advice. Learn to listen and understand each other.
Talk
If you see that the husband/wife is not making any attempts to save the relationship, there is no need to waste your life preserving the “empty” union. It’s also not worth enduring for the sake of the child. Very often the most the right decision will not endure for the sake of the child, but divorce for his own sake. He sees, understands and feels everything.
Today there are a lot of psychological practices, and rightly so.
When can you get divorced in Islam?
Islam does not approve of divorce. In the face of difficulties and disagreements, faith calls for patience, reflection and preservation of marriage. But still, divorce is not a sin. If a man makes talaq (oral or written declaration of divorce), he must wait 3 months. During this period he is prohibited intimate relationships. Blame (when a woman demands a divorce) can only be for a specific reason. She returns the mahr and is considered a violator of the marriage contract. If the offender is a man, he compensates the mahr in full or leaves it to the woman. When a wife goes to court, she must prove that her husband has not fulfilled his marital obligations. Legal reason for ending a marriage -
immoral and contrary to Islam behavior of the spouse, renunciation of Islam. If a woman or man leaves Islam, the marriage is annulled.
When can you get a divorce after the birth of a child?
You can file for divorce before the child’s 1st birthday. The divorce will be through the court due to the presence of a child. Based on the baby’s age, the father is seen outside the home and the court will not allow it without the mother’s presence. You can state in your request the order of raising the child and in his decision the judge will indicate at what age he will see the child alone and how often.
When can you get a divorce after marriage?
You can apply for divorce immediately after the wedding immediately after receiving the marriage registration certificate.
When can you get a divorce at the registry office?
Daria 2
I am 26, my husband is 24. We have been married for two years. The problems started when I called ex-boyfriend. Since the number was unidentified, my husband answered the phone. After this, questions began about my past. About the number of men and constant quarrels on this basis. And now, when the quarrel started again, I refused to answer his questions about my past. From his side, as in all previous times, there were threats of divorce and blackmail. In the end, I decided to stand my ground at least this time. Because I’m tired of these constant showdowns and searches for my exes for a purpose that is unclear to me. As a result, he left home, saying that I would regret it and that we were getting a divorce. Tell me, am I really wrong? What should I do in this situation? I don’t understand his desire to know everything about my past. Moreover, when I answer his questions, humiliation, name-calling and even assault begin.
Daria, hello,
You ask:
Tell me, am I really wrong?
And this question cannot be answered unambiguously. After all, this is your relationship, you build it on your agreements and rules.
You definitely have the right not to talk about what you don’t want to talk about. This is your personal life and you have the right to choose who and how much to devote to it.
Daria 2
I just love him and I know that he loves me. But I’m tired of the fact that he resists and stands his ground to the end. Using blackmail and threats of divorce. At first I put up with all this and followed his lead. But now I’m stuck myself. I thought that was enough. After all, if I have no influence on him, then this will be like this all my life. I'm almost not happy with the divorce right away. Anything a little different from what he wants - divorce
Daria 2
I don't understand how to act. Naturally I don't want a divorce. I want to save my family. But at the same time, I understand that he behaves like a tyrant. And I can't do anything about it. All the words are like hitting a wall. But his words and actions are true. And everyone else is fools and knows nothing about life
You won't be able to do anything about it.
A person's character is formed throughout life. Your husband apparently went through some traumas and shocks in his life. And you won't change it in any way.
All that remains is to find ways to somehow survive in such conditions, look for some workarounds, learn to negotiate, learn to defend yourself more gently. There is nothing more to be done here.
Daria, hello,
You haven't responded to your thread for a long time, so I'm ending it.
You can return to this site for an open consultation or contact me for individual communication.
“Should I divorce my husband?” - such a question will never arise in a family filled with love and understanding. At a time when the current relationship does not satisfy both partners, the decision to break up is made much easier. But if family life is the only one that doesn’t suit you, how can you overcome uncertainty and dare to take full responsibility? Let's discuss this.
What to do if family life is not satisfying?Possible reasons for divorce
Psychologists believe that breaking up a relationship for women due to mental stress is equal to loss loved one. Therefore, before getting married, it is worth considering the reasons for the desire to get a divorce, in order to make as few mistakes as possible in family life and protect future children from worries.
Destroy love relationship It’s possible for any reason, but let’s look at the most common reasons for divorce:
- marriage in the heat of passion. The basis of such a union was only sex. If there are no common views on life, husband and wife quickly get bored of each other. Rash actions very often lead to a break in relationships;
- The most common reason for divorce is the betrayal of one of the partners. It is difficult to forgive the infidelity of a loved one, and if this situation has been repeated more than once, then the desire to get a divorce comes instantly;
- couldn't stand each other's characters. The breakdown of a relationship is inevitable when both partners, due to their pride, have no desire to give in and get used to their loved one;
- The birth of the first child becomes a difficult test for young families. At this moment, both partners need to take all responsibility seriously, learn to sacrifice their selfish desires, and treat each other with love and care;
- people can get divorced over the slightest domestic disputes, but everyone knows that this is just a screen behind which lies the real reason rupture.
A common cause of divorce is infidelity by one of the partners. What are the consequences of rash divorces?
Having survived bad marriage, people make the wrong conclusions, like “all women are hysterical” or “every man is a selfish creature,” and subsequent relationships will be built on the basis of this opinion. Children suffer the most after family breakdown. In their understanding, parents are a sacred, inextricable whole, and when it breaks, the child develops an incorrect idea about family life. Another psychological stress is the division of property, which painful condition goes from fighting over who gets the car to deciding who the kids will stay with.
Divorce after infidelity
Women and men may have different reasons why they decide to cheat on their partner. However, not everyone takes into account that any manifestation of infidelity can lead to divorce. Despite the fact that human morality and religious doctrine They condemn treason, this problem is still relevant today.
Many men explain their infidelity by the presence of a primitive instinct. They argue that resistance to masculine nature can cause mental disorder. However, polygamy in a representative of the stronger sex can be transformed depending on which woman is next to him. Wise wives try to change their image as often as possible and constantly surprise their spouse.
Wise wives try to change their image as often as possible and constantly surprise their men According to statistics, women resort to infidelity much less often than men, and decide to do this only if they are truly unhappy in their marriage. The reason for female infidelity may be the desire to receive male attention, which they lack in family life. A girl always needs to feel that her appearance attracts the stronger sex. At times, the husband’s same-type compliments become boring, but the courtship of strangers is perceived as proof of demand.
See also:
Which negative influence Does divorce affect children at different ages?
However, most often, when a man finds out about cheating, he immediately breaks off relations with his wife, while the woman tries to maintain the relationship to the last, forgiving her beloved for many of his misdeeds.
Should I divorce my husband?
Often the question “Should I divorce my husband?” arises due to the infidelity of a spouse. But this type of severance is not necessary, and loving woman trying his best to maintain appearances happy life. However, you should not deceive yourself - forgiving your husband does not guarantee that there will be no new betrayal. In fear of losing financial stability, it is very difficult to decide to divorce, especially if there are children in the marriage.
But it is very rare for a woman to understand that a child has seen disrespect since childhood in a family where cheating regularly occurs. As children grow up, they notice that dad is unfaithful to mom and consider this to be the norm. Subsequently, they will begin to build their family according to the same principle.
Reasons why you need to get a divorce:
- violence in family relationships. If your husband hit you once, be sure that this situation will happen again. Do not deceive yourself in the hope that he will realize his mistake;
- constant humiliation of your personality. The psychological state of a person is very difficult to treat, and if your spouse asserts himself at the expense of your suffering, you do not need to endure such a life;
- partner's bad habits. Craving for alcohol and drug addiction are common causes of family breakdown. If your chosen one does not want to get out of this state, you have no reason to hold on to such a relationship.
In what situations is it better not to rush into drastic changes?
- you fell in love with a young, charming and sexy man. Should I get a divorce because of this? Psychologists are sure that you shouldn’t rush into a new relationship like a whirlwind. In most cases, such love quickly passes, and there is a desire to return to the previous relationship. But will they take you back?
- It seems to you that your spouse has ceased to understand you; it has become boring to be with him. If you really loved your boyfriend, then understand that he is not a clown, but a person who also has personal concerns and problems. He also needs your support, so learn to compromise before you announce that you want a divorce;
- You can forgive your loved one many things, but he must understand your actions and also strive to preserve the relationship. Otherwise, all attempts made will become another humiliation of your personality.
How do children feel when their family collapses?
If there are children in your family, think about whether it is really necessary to inflict a psychological blow on your child because you quarreled with your husband? Children make it very difficult to get a divorce. From birth, the baby gets used to the fact that his parents sleep in the same bed, have dinner at the same table and spend their holidays together. Growing up in a complete family, he realizes what a strong and loving relationship should look like.
At the time of divorce, one of the parents disappears from the children's sight, leaving them completely confused and not understanding what is happening. According to statistics, most often men leave their families, and women stressful situation rarely can calmly explain to a child what happened. As a result, the mother reacts aggressively to the child’s question about dad, thereby awakening a feeling of guilt in his thoughts.
Children who have reached adolescence Having survived the divorce of their parents, they often slip in their studies and become uncontrollable, they begin to steal and run away from home.
After the breakdown of the family, the child begins to perceive adults as enemies who cannot be trusted. And in his understanding, a parent who left the family is presented as a traitor who simply left.
kids preschool age from worries and worries they get many phobias. The child takes on the character traits of the parent he misses so much. When leaving a family, an adult does not even understand how much pain he is doing to his children. And especially impressionable people can subconsciously return to infancy, suck their thumb before going to bed or wet the bed. Often after parents divorce, the child becomes depressed and falls ill. Therefore, before deciding to divorce, think about the people close to you.
Divorce of parents is a psychological blow for a child Test “How painless is it for you to break off a relationship?”
Sometimes going through the divorce procedure is much more difficult than forgiving all the betrayals and improving relationships. Do you want to know how to get through this moment easier? Our test will help with this.
How long ago did you realize that you wanted a divorce?
- from the first day you felt that this relationship was short-lived - 1 point;
- You’ve been planning how to break up for a year now – 2 points;
- this decision is sudden – 3 points;
- you have long thought that you need to break up, but you decided only now - 4 points;
- no final decision yet – 5 points.
Does he annoy you or not?
- every little thing in it infuriates you – 1 point;
- his actions are very often annoying – 2 points;
- sometimes he is simply unbearable - 3 points;
- you rarely get irritated – 4 points;
- you’re just bored next to him – 5 points.