Question to a psychologist:

Psychologist Elena Nikolaevna Gladkova answers the question.

Hello, Elena!

Loneliness as a social phenomenon has many reasons! And each of them is worthy of separate investigation and research! But I don’t think that this will make your situation easier or make your worries about this less painful!

But, nevertheless, you can try to determine some possible reasons, which, as you rightly noted, may come from you, at least for yourself.

It may also sound banal to you, the idea that we take all our ways of building relationships from the experience that we have in relationships with the people closest to us - parents, family members.

So in this case, try to answer yourself the questions - “What is your situation like from your childhood? Have you ever felt alone in your own family? What was your confirmation of your importance to other family members? Were the thoughts or desires that were important to you “an empty phrase” for your family members?”

If in your family it was customary to take into account the opinions of elders, denying yourself the right to have your own opinion, if sacrifice in favor of the most “important” family member or his “authoritative” opinion completely crossed out the opinions and desires of other family members, if you were accustomed to expecting responses permissive reactions to the opportunity to express yourself, if your activity in attracting attention is tied to the approval of your abilities and assessment of your actions, this does not mean at all that something similar may be of interest to other people, whose attention and interest you want to receive in this way. Such behavior may seem to others to be too consumer-obsessive, obliging them to do similar actions towards you, and for some, any obligations to someone else are tantamount to “debt fetters” that can paralyze their activity, their spontaneous expression of desires and feelings. In addition, a person who uses such a scheme for building relationships can sometimes react so painfully to the lack of appreciation of others for his efforts, and be so tied to signals confirming the correctness of his actions to build the relationships he needs so much, that he is not able to adequately assess the inadequacy of such ways to build relationships in specific cases with specific people.

This is just one of possible reasons lack of response in your attempts to make connections with others.

Perhaps your desire to receive the attention of others precisely in response to your attention to them does not carry the sincerity that is felt by others as promissory note in front of you, which is what they try to avoid, not allowing you to get as close to them as you need.

I think it makes sense for you to start getting to know yourself better and your ways of building relationships, and at the same time look at why anyone allows you to be considered a “nobody” and unable to correct this situation. Relationships are always just a mirror in which you can see your behavior: we receive a reflection of what we demonstrate to others, but whether it suits us or not is up to us to decide! And if you are not satisfied with this reflection, then you need to change your behavior. But here, I think, there is work to be done that would be better done with a specialist. And this is better not only because it will help speed up the work process itself, but also because in this “mirror” you will be able to quickly see exactly your problem, and not variants of problems that may not have anything to do with you.

Start by regaining love and respect for yourself! Then you can attract the love, respect and interest of others.

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Still from the film " Gone with the Wind"

Today we increasingly see successful, beautiful, smart women who want to create long-term and lasting relationships, but fail every time. And if at first it may seem to you that the reason is in the man, in his character or simply in the circumstances, then with each subsequent unsuccessful romance, more and more questions will arise for you about yourself. Of course, every case is individual, but there are also general behavioral tendencies that block the path to personal happiness. We'll tell you which ones.

You "stand on your tiptoes"

For some people, expressing their desires openly is not an easy task. Calmly declaring that you don’t want to watch this movie, that you want a steak and not a salad, and that dry red wine gives you heartburn may seem something shameful and unacceptable to you. But is this really so?

Still from the movie "Bridget Jones's Diary"

“Standing on your tiptoes” means appearing better than you really are. And the most surprising thing here is that for a partner, your “best” image may not be as attractive as you think, but, on the contrary, excessive and repulsive. In an effort to show one's good side, there is an unconscious desire to gain approval and be accepted. But if you look deeper, then in fact this attitude is laid down from childhood - in order for your mother to be happy and love you, you need to be a good girl. Phrases that can be heard from every playground - “behave well”, “don’t be mischievous” or even the question “are you a good girl?” – are practically built into the culture of upbringing.

Problem " good girls"is that they give up their desires to please others and do not accept all of themselves at all, preferring only socially approved behavior.

Still from the film "Good Girl"

A holistic personality is one that is multifaceted, spontaneous and reactive in its manifestations. Giving a negative reaction to an insult without looking down at the floor is the norm. Refusing the first kiss if you are not yet ready for it, without fear that the man will consider you touchy and leave you, is also the norm. IN family life the “stand on tiptoe” attitude results in a woman enduring and holding back every time she doesn’t like something. But sooner or later, even angelic patience comes to an end: and then a tub of dirt is poured onto the head of the unsuspecting spouse. But all this time he was in the illusion of an ideal relationship.

You don't talk about relationships

In 90% of cases, all disagreements and conflicts in relationships occur due to the inability to correctly convey your need to another. We often remain silent, avoid conversation, become offended, trying with all our appearance to show our partner our dissatisfaction. Man is a social being, and he builds his communication using not only facial expressions and gestures, but also the main means of communication - speech. It is not difficult to assume that in order to realize the needs of another person, we need to hear and realize this need.

A seemingly simple way to start talking about your desires turns out to be a skill that you need to work on.

Still from the movie "Mr. and Mrs. Smith"

In psychology, the word is often used - “to present oneself,” that is, to openly declare one’s feelings and emotions. For example: “I get angry when you talk to me in this tone,” or “I get very upset when you leave me alone in an unfamiliar company.” At first glance, it may seem that these phrases are no different from accusations. However, upon closer examination, one can notice that there is not a hint in them of an assessment of the behavior of another - only facts.

It is important to remember that, as a rule, it is the assessment that causes a strong reaction in the partner and is perceived negatively. Phrases that begin with the presentation of your feelings, on the contrary, contain great potential for resolving conflict and the field for productive conversation. In family therapy, in the presence of a psychologist, it is possible to preserve many unions of two loving people, thanks to the skill of open communication. Using such phrases, already in the first stages you can say a lot about yourself and understand a lot about your lover.

You don't know how to ask

The topic of women, who are sometimes ahead of many men in strength of spirit and acumen, is being discussed especially actively today. The trend is this: strong women are taught to be weak, or at least to appear so. They are taught to ask for help, allow themselves to be taken care of, and forget about their wallet when they bring the check to a cafe on the first date.

There is nothing wrong with playing this role once or twice, but if we are talking about a long-term relationship, the philosophy of life strong woman anyway, sooner or later it will make itself known. What kind of men are they most likely to attract? As a rule, they are soft, flexible, capable of accepting someone else’s point of view without much discussion, able to please, and dutiful. And what kind of men does such a woman want to see next to her? Strong, demanding, defending their opinion, assertive, tenacious, self-confident, persistent. Essentially, she wants to be with a man equal to herself - but she meets the complete opposite.

Still from the film "Gone Girl"

The behavior of a strong woman is most often based on a difficult, broken relationship with her mother. From early childhood, a girl may be deprived of maternal care and love for various reasons. In this case, the mother is actually present in her daughter’s life, but performs her parental role purely formally. In such relationships there is no deep affection, warmth and trust.

You accept other people's ideals

Each generation has its own set of stereotypes that influence the choices we make. Today, for example, people still continue to talk with disdain about those who give birth to women and those who have been brides for too long. Mothers pass on to their daughters attitudes from the series “in our family, all women got married at 18” or “all men cheat, the main thing is that they bring home a salary.” And the media continue to publish statistics on marriages, as if slightly condemning those who decided to divorce (

I just don’t have a good relationship with my colleagues, for this reason I have changed many jobs and in each new place I have to start all over again. I good specialist with an excellent education. Throughout my childhood and adolescence I studied and engaged in self-development in various fields. But at the same time, I never boast about my education and do not try to put myself above the team. It seems to me that the reason for the difficulties is my pride, which I cannot do anything about. As soon as I arrive at a new place, all my colleagues quickly turn against me. No matter what I do, they are still not happy with me. But I am not accustomed to such an attitude, because this does not happen among friends, both at school and at university. And then... immediately there was such a “turn from the gate.” Because of this, my career is at a standstill, my parents are no longer happy with me either, because they don’t understand why I don’t produce results. And I... I just don’t want to look for a new job anymore... now I haven’t worked for six months. And now I feel the need to wear a hijab, but then, most likely, I will not be able to build a relationship anywhere. Help.

From a religious point of view:
If you had no relationships with anyone at all, then you would not have friends outside of work. And if this is not the case, then reconsider your methods of communication and compare them with your behavior in the work team. Quite often people, even very nice people in life, are too strict at work, which is why they don’t work out well. good relationship with colleagues. After analysis and comparison, draw appropriate conclusions. If you want to get close to someone, build good and warm, friendly relations with him, follow the advice of the Messenger of Allah (peace and blessings be upon him), who said: “Give each other gifts and love each other” (“Jamiul-Ahadith”, No. 11014)

تهادوا تحابوا

In addition, the next time you get a job, do something like a picnic, go somewhere outdoors, you can invite not only colleagues, but also your friends to the same event. Such a meeting will help you show a different side of yourself to the team.
Regarding your desire to wear a hijab, I will only say that this is one of the instructions imposed by the Almighty Himself on Muslim women. Allah says in the Quran: “Tell the believers (women) not to show off their embellishments, except for those that are visible (the oval of the face and hands), and let them cover the cutout on their chest with their veils and not show their beauty...” ( Surah An-Nur, verse 31).

وَقُلْ لِلْمُؤْمِنَاتِ يَغْضُضْنَ مِنْ أَبْصَارِهِنَّ وَيَحْفَظْنَ فُرُوجَهُنَّ وَلَا يُبْدِينَ زِينَتَهُنَّ إِلَّا مَا ظَهَرَ مِنْهَا وَلْيَضْرِبْنَ بِخُمُرِهِنَّ عَلَى جُيُوبِهِنَّ وَلَا يُبْدِينَ زِينَتَهُنَّ

Not a single Muslim woman who has worn a hijab has ever regretted it, so be bolder and more decisive!

From a psychological point of view:
I will not touch on the religious side of your question, since in this area a theologian will answer better than me. Let's dwell on the features of your character. This is important because no matter what situation you find yourself in, and no matter what decision is made, you will still remain yourself with your own character. First, it’s worth understanding what you understand by the word pride. Pride itself is a rather terrible character trait, suggesting that you internally feel superior to others, better than them, for which Iblis was punished at one time. However, the entire text of your letter does not indicate (this is my personal opinion) that you have pride. Most likely, in your case there is deep internal self-doubt, which you are trying to hide under the guise of pride. This happens when a person has a deep inferiority complex. First, you need to boldly admit to yourself that you have any psychological problems, find out if you have hidden feeling envy of others. Gaining self-confidence is quite difficult, but it is quite possible. IN in this case It is appropriate to recall the formula that William James once derived. He postulated the idea that self-esteem will begin to grow as you achieve some success in any activity. The main thing here is that you set realistic goals for yourself and strive to achieve them. As you achieve your goals, you will begin to get to know yourself better and acquire a sense of inner necessity and self-worth. Another psychologist Alfred Adler once wrote very well on this topic. He, in particular, said that if a person wants to get rid of certain inferiority complexes and learn to interact better with people, then he needs to do as many good deeds as possible for the people around him for at least two weeks. And it doesn’t matter whether they answer you the same or not. If you combine both approaches (Adler and James), it becomes quite clear in which direction to move.
Now let's touch on the other side of your letter. You say that you have not developed relationships in any team. It’s important to know what meaning you put into these words and why exactly they didn’t work out. We won’t go into details, let’s just focus on the main thing: how would you feel if you were in the shoes of your colleagues, how would you behave? The answer to this question will allow you to understand some of the motives for your own behavior.
But if, contrary to my assumptions, you actually have pride, then you should fully understand the seriousness of this character trait and its harmful consequences for you. The good side of your situation is that after going through these events, you have become more aware and understanding of yourself, and this is a very important step on the path of spiritual self-improvement.

The question was answered:

Muhammad-Amin Haji Magomedrasulov
graduate of Dagestan Islamic University

Aliaskhab Anatolyevich Murzaev
Psychologist-consultant at the Center for Social Assistance to Family and Children

Do you hope that everything is definitely serious with the new guy, but the relationship ends as soon as you have time to get used to him? Are you tired of going on dates and want to spend your evenings watching your favorite TV series together? Are you worried that you’re unlikely to get married because you can’t have a long-term relationship with anyone? Then this article will help you!

So why don't things work out for you? serious relationship with men?

1. You're picking the wrong guys.

You step on your favorite rake again and again, choosing guys who don’t want to be with you or don’t want a serious relationship. You are in vain hoping to make someone who only needs rare (or frequent) meetings in bed fall in love with you. You put a lot of effort into transforming a man who doesn’t want to burden himself with unnecessary obligations. And then, when you realize that you are at a dead end, you again take the starting position - and go along the beaten path: to a new guy who is also not eager to get into your network.

How to solve the problem? First of all, don’t let yourself be deceived: if a guy says he wants a serious relationship with you, but all his actions indicate the opposite, then he’s just lying to you. And secondly, don’t deceive yourself: when you want to build a family with a man who openly admits that you shouldn’t expect all this, just accept it and don’t try to prove to him that he wants the opposite.

2. You are too critical of your boyfriends.

You have dreamed up the image of your one and only so vividly that you can barely restrain yourself when you discover a flaw in the new guy. Then another one is added to it, then another and another, and you realize that your current boyfriend is not at all the one with whom you are destined to live happily ever after... And really, how can you be with someone who does not clean up the crumbs? off the table, bites his nails or has no sense of style? Over time, you become more and more picky, and even a small minus is perceived by you as a terrifying disaster that ruins your future together.

How to solve the problem? Remember that you are also imperfect and your chosen one has to put up with your eccentricities and not-so-nice habits and character traits. So is it worth being so picky? In addition, Mr. Perfect, whom you invented for yourself and are now diligently looking for in every passing man, probably does not exist.

3. You are always proactive

You don't wait for him to ask you out on a date, buy flowers or give you a compliment. You are in a hurry to call him and tell him where you are going tomorrow, point your finger at the bouquet you like and ask for kind words about your hair and dress. You are so unable to restrain yourself in playing ahead that you are the first to start talking about feelings, weave plans for a joint future into conversations, and are also ready to invite him to move in together or even formalize a relationship - what if he takes too long with all this and you have to wait on him? his first steps for an eternity?

How to solve the problem? This approach frightens men: they like to act as the hunter themselves, and not feel like hunted game. Therefore, with this approach, build long term relationship You will only succeed with an extremely modest and spineless mama's boy. But you don’t need one like that, do you? Then endure the desire to decide everything in your couple - let the man take the initiative.

4. You are afraid of being lonely...

So much so that you please him in everything. You change your daily routine and habits to please him, you do everything he wants, as if he is a real sheikh and the last man in the world, who - oh miracle, oh happiness! - can make you happy by living together and spending time together (and in the future, maybe even marriage!). You don’t ask him to wash the dishes, clean up scattered things after himself, and don’t even mention that he’s doing something wrong, because your complaints may upset him. You do not say that he offends you in any way, bring all proposals up for discussion carefully, fearing to anger your one and only, fearing that after a careless word you said, he may go in search of a more flexible and prudent female individual.

How to solve the problem? It's simple - you need to become a girl who you want to conquer, who you want to protect. And for this you will have to love yourself again and understand that if a man does not want to perceive you as you are, then he is not interested in you. And no amount of obsequiousness will become the seed that will give rise to reciprocal feelings for you in him. She can only tire you.

5. You are not ready for them

Or maybe you’re just not ready for a serious relationship? Have you been offended by some man whom you cannot forget and to spite whom you are trying to be not alone by hook or by crook? Or are you satisfied with the non-binding format of relationships, but the opinion of your family and friends that “it’s time to start a family” makes you forced to search in the crowd for “that one, I don’t know who”?

How to solve the problem? Listen to yourself - and stop listening to strangers. And if you understand that you don’t really need a serious relationship right now, don’t deny yourself the pleasure of being alone - then every day will become much more joyful. And your man will certainly be found - without the pimping of relatives and friends and any tricks on your part. Just because one day you must meet each other.

Knowing when to quit and when to move on is key to emotional survival.

While we are not 200% sure that the relationship is over, we continue to believe in it. This is understandable, because over the course of several years (or months) we become so attached to a person, we can say “grow into” him, that parting is very painful. It is clear that you are trying to maintain the relationship: there is always hope that it will change for the better.

Not everyone has the courage to destroy a relationship the moment it really ends. Here are 21 signs that “finita la commedia”, if it has not yet arrived, is already very, very close. If you say at least four points out of all: “This is about us,” think about breaking up more seriously than usual.

1. Resentment

You are constantly offended by your partner, but you don’t say anything. You think that this is how you save your relationship, but in fact you are only delaying that unpleasant moment when all the accumulated negativity will burst out and your relationship will end in a painful break.

Resentment does not go away, especially if the factors that cause it do not disappear. If it doesn’t spill out, it means it accumulates inside, and this causes stress and illness. And, of course, it destroys relationships - slowly but surely.

2. Disrespect

If you and your partner have reached the point where you are showing mutual disrespect, it's time to destroy your illusions. There is nothing easier than to stop feeling attached to someone who disrespects you.

People can continue to live together without respect and awareness of each other's value, which leads to absolute indifference about the needs and desires of the partner. Well, what kind of continuation can we talk about?

3. Contempt

It doesn’t matter what motives caused contempt, be it a failed career, changes in appearance, or something else. Partners should support each other in any situation, because isn’t this warmth what we really need under any circumstances, and especially during some personal problems.

If you start to treat each other with contempt, no longer receive warmth from the relationship, and live not with a friend who will understand, but with a cold creature who judges you, why continue?

4. Lies

I'm talking about that lie when you tell a person: “I love you” without experiencing any feelings. You're afraid of hurting him, but you're not actually protecting him, you're only making things worse. The truth will come out: you cannot lie your whole life without ruining it for yourself and your partner.

Well, if you say to yourself: “We are happy, I am happy, everything is fine with us,” when you feel that everything is already over for you, this is also an escape from reality.

5. Mistrust

If you don't trust your partner, then there are reasons for this. If they are so serious that trust cannot be regained, why stay with this person? Checking, worrying and wasting your nerves all your life?

6. Swearing in public

Anything good you can say about your partner can be said in public. And it’s better to leave all the bad things for personal conversations. Scolding a person in public means only achieving a negative response or hidden resentment.

In addition, if you scold your partner in public or even just allow yourself unpleasant jokes about him, it means that dissatisfaction is growing inside, which has already begun to spill out.

7. Distance

You have already broken off the emotional connection with your partner and thus gently let him know that it is all over. Maybe it’s better to do it right away, rather than create suffering and doubt?

8. Demanding proof of love

“If you love me, you...” It’s very tempting to control a person’s life in this way, and if you periodically hear this phrase, then something has gone wrong.

The only person who can change his feelings is himself, and your actions have nothing to do with it.

Well, if you say so yourself, think about whether you really need this person, will he become loved if he does something? And is it possible to manipulate someone who really is?

9. Public humiliation

If your partner humiliates you in public once, there is a high probability that he will do it again and again. It doesn’t matter that he drank a lot that evening or was in a bad mood.

Public humiliation of a partner only speaks of deep self-loathing, and no matter how much love you give to this person, it will not improve the situation without his strong desire to change and work with his self-esteem. And this is difficult not only to correct, but even to admit.

10. Obsession with another person

If your partner is obsessed with another person - whether he is friends with him or hopes for a closer relationship - sooner or later this will lead to a breakup.

Of course, this does not mean that partners should completely immerse themselves in each other and give all their energy to only one person, but an obsession with someone else is fraught with suspicion, jealousy and resentment.

Yes, your partner is clearly missing something in your relationship if he is so drawn to another person, but you are unlikely to be able to give it to him. And you certainly shouldn’t cheat on yourself for the sake of another person.

11. Obsession with pornography

There's nothing weird or bad about partners watching porn together. Some semblance of voyeurism helps to get aroused and find something new that you can later try in bed with a partner.

But if one of the partners is obsessed with pornography, complete satisfaction will always elude him: in pursuit of the Holy Grail of multiples, he may end up on the path of sexual perversion.

So, if you are not satisfied with such arrangements, think about both the root cause of this obsession and the possible consequences.

12. Emotional infidelity

Some people believe that monogamy is the only possible option relationships, for others it is difficult and almost impossible.

If you cheated for a change sexual experience, the relationship can still be saved, but if there is an emotional attachment to the person with whom you had an intimate relationship, it’s time to end the relationship.

The first question people ask when they find out their partner is unfaithful is: “Do you love him/her?” Because it is the emotional, and not the physical, connection that is the core of the relationship, and if it is gone, then there is nothing more for you to do here.

13. Inability to end the conflict

It begins as an endless struggle without reaching consensus, which gradually develops into “as you wish”, when the partners no longer care about the results of their struggle.

There is a rule: never go to bed angry at each other. And there's definitely something there.

If neither partner can pacify his pride and desire to always be the winner in a dispute, cannot agree to a truce without achieving his goal, this relationship has no continuation.

14. Subconscious

If you unconsciously do things that are harmful to your relationship, this is your psyche telling you what you really need.

You can think whatever you want, but your actions speak of your true desires better than all your assurances and hopes.

15. Obsession

If your partner has an obsession with, for example, alcohol or substances, he/she is a shopaholic, a gambler, a workaholic or obsessed with sex, you will always be in second or even fifth place and will not get the emotional connection that you would like.

If you don't have an obsession with something, your partner's addiction can ruin not only his life, but yours as well. Not a very pleasant prospect.

16. Painful attachment to exes

If your partner still maintains a more than close relationship with his ex-passion or husband/wife, this is destroying the relationship.

Former partners need to be respected, especially if you have children together, but the first role is still given to the current partner. If this doesn't happen, it's easy to feel unimportant and unwanted, which is a recipe for breakup.

17. Threats and emotional blackmail

This is a clear sign. Emotional blackmail is often presented as strong love, but in reality it is control. And control, in turn, is the abuse of feelings. You have to run away from this as far as you can see.

18. Constant comparison and ratings

Does your partner compare you to those who look more attractive, earn more, are smarter and more interesting than you? This is a form of humiliation. If someone thinks the grass is greener in someone else's yard, let them go there.

People are unique creatures, although they are similar in many ways. You shouldn’t compare yourself, let alone listen to it from your partner.

19. Indifference

Why stay together if you don't care about each other?

20. Disappearance of attachment

There's nothing wrong with wanting a roommate, but if you want more from a relationship, don't stay with a partner who isn't the one for you. Don't just stay because it's convenient for you.

21. Physical violence

There are no excuses, no explanations, circumstances and promises do not matter. You just have to leave.

In general, conflicts in relationships are a way to get rid of pain, but their reasons may vary. This can be a way to open the boil of dissatisfaction and resentment that has arisen in the relationship in order to clean out the wound, remove what is bothering you, and save the relationship.

But it also happens differently, when conflicts are a way to break off a relationship, to tell the other person that it is over, that it is no longer worth torturing each other.

And it’s better to learn to distinguish one conflict from another, otherwise it will be painful and bad for both partners.